Courage Is A Woman
by AnnFleur
Summary: SCULLYxSTELLA. "How does one get one's life back on track after a devastating experience that leaves you a changed person?" Scully and Stella (The Fall), a story of two women who are innately different but in my mind would work so well together. A little bit of Mulder and a lot of New York City.
1. Prologue - Scully

_This story is set shortly after The Fall S3 and a few years after XF I Want To Believe but before S10 (AU). There are three main characters – Dana Scully, Stella Gibson and New York City. I plan on writing this whenever I feel emotionally down (yes – like therapy), it will be vulnerable and close to my heart which is why I'm not putting any stress on myself to continue or finish this within a set timeframe. If you know me you know I have difficulty finishing stories, so I don't think there will be a particular backbone or ending to this one. Expect irregular updates but expect them to be deep and real._

"Courage is a woman who, despite everything that is against her, still remains undeniably and unapologetically herself."

 **Courage Is A Woman**

Chapter 1. _Prologue - Scully_

'Thank you all for attending, and you all have my card should you have any questions regarding the subject matter,' Scully concluded. 'Good night.'

The lecture hall applauded and as people started to pack up and leave Dana Scully sighed, collected her notes and left backstage. She never liked giving lectures in front of a big audience – it was the reason she never got into teaching much. However, this offer had come along at a perfect time. It was a chance to travel again, get away, but this time in much more luxurious conditions than she was used to. She had been asked to give a lecture at an international crime-fighting conference in New York and somehow she had never considered saying no. The subject was exactly right for her, as it dealt with medical and psychological conditions of a criminal which might influence their liability in a case. However it had been a while since she had addressed such a big group of people, some of which she knew but mostly they were strangers to her. A list had been shown to her beforehand, and she'd seen names from all over the world. There was a German agent, some FBI trainees, a group of forensic anthropologists from Finland and several other identities such as NYPD personnel, a DSI from England and presumably a few more that she didn't remember. It had heightened her nerves to a point where she had considered cancelling, but now that it was over she was happy to have persevered.

As she got ready to leave a friend from Washington came up. 'That was great, Dana,' she said. Annabelle Watson was one of her former co-workers at the hospital before she had decided to try out and start the FBI training. She'd been accepted and ever since Scully had tried to help her as much as possible, writing character profiles and recommendations whenever she needed them. The young woman's enthusiasm sparked her own again and she was instantly glad she'd invited her to the lecture. 'I'm glad you enjoyed it,' Dana answered. 'I hope it was educational.' Annabelle nodded. 'It was, I think everyone in that room learned a lot today. You were awesome.' Dana smiled. 'Thanks. Are you staying here or are you going back to Virginia tonight?' Annabelle sighed. 'Going back I'm afraid. I'd love to stick around and see more of New York but we're in the middle of an assignment. I'll let you know how it goes.' Dana nodded. 'I'd like that. Have a good trip back.' 'It was nice to see you again,' Annabelle said. 'Thanks again!' With that she left and Dana smiled to herself. It actually felt good, to inspire others. It had been a while since she'd felt this way. It occurred to her that she wanted to share her success with Mulder, so she grabbed her phone. However, something stopped her. Would he even care? She knew Mulder, and his past record for caring was not that great. He'd undoubtedly be invested in his own pursuit, not really listening to her anyway. So she decided against calling him. Sharing her successes was something that she would have to give up on wanting. With Mulder, at least. It was one of the many things that had almost become a habit for her. Almost, but not quite yet as something inside of her still wanted him to ask. She wanted him to call her and ask her how the lecture went. She knew he wouldn't, but deep down the desire was there. Just like she wanted him to cut the crap and be honest with her for once. It had been a long time since that had happened. They were basically living separate lives now, her having conceded and having moved back in hadn't done anything to change his behavior. He was still obsessive, like an addict he was getting hooked on one theory after another, always looking for that next thrill, that next breakthrough which could possibly save him or cost him his life. Scully had learned to deal with it, she'd taught herself to accept this side of him and she'd taught herself to look out for signs that he was getting worse. If she saw him declining she'd stop him, but for now she believed that this was the right thing for him to do, to get it out of his system. Or at least, she wanted to believe.

Truth be told Dana knew they were both on a destructive path. She couldn't remember the last time they had actually had a meaningful conversation, she didn't want to remember the last time he really looked at her. It was painful, but she loved him, so she kept hanging on. However, this conference and the lectures she was giving had provided her with a little escape. She would be in New York for another three days, and she intended to enjoy them. As she left the building she was greeted by the hustle and bustle of Manhattan rush hour, and even though she had never cared much for big, smelly cities, she felt a strange energy settle in her heart. Stepping into the busy street she made her way into the flow of people making their way home. Carefully navigating her way through the streets she found her way to her hotel, a really nice one close to Park Avenue. She almost felt a little out of place, but the FBI had insisted on putting her in an upscale hotel for this weekend, so she'd decided to accept it without question. Quietly, she loved it. She deserved this.

As she walked through the lobby she could spot a few of her attendees gathering in the restaurant bar, presumably for a drink. She smiled, thinking that she'd just like to have a shower and curl up in bed. When had she gotten this old? Making her way up to the 32nd floor and into her room Dana Scully contemplated what to do with the rest of her day. It wasn't late, it wasn't even properly dinner time yet and the weather was beautiful. It would be a waste to spend the evening inside, but she was tired and didn't really feel like mingling with other people. She thought of the city outside of her hotel and how she had always been close to it but she'd never allowed herself to enjoy it fully. It supposedly had one of the best skyline sunsets on the planet and she'd never gotten to see one, so she decided that would be number two on her to do list (right after that shower): Get down to Brooklyn and try to relax while enjoying the sunset. It was very unlike her to do stuff like this, usually she'd just like to revise and tweak her lecture and get some rest, but not tonight. Tonight she would do something for herself for once.

About an hour and a half later, Scully marveled at the view unfolding in front of her. She was sitting on the grass in a park on Brooklyn Heights, looking out across the river and the Manhattan buildings. She had bought some dinner on the way and right now she was thoroughly enjoying the choices she'd made. She never just got to sit on some grass, eating French fries, not giving a fuck who was around her or who was watching her.

Sighing, she let her mind wander a bit. What else had she missed in all those years of obedience? She felt a little ashamed at the thought, but truth be told she had always been quick to run after Mulder and his crazy theories without considering what she might be missing out on. He had pointed out to her on more than one occasion that he felt guilty for all that she had lost because of him, and she had told him time and time again that she did not in any way hold him responsible for that. And she didn't. She'd do it all over again if it meant ending up with the love of her life, because that's who he was and that would never change. She loved him totally, utterly and completely, but sitting here in the warm evening sun, all by herself, brought up some questions that Dana Scully hadn't been prepared to face or answer.

Don't give up, he'd said. It was a phrase that she had heard a lot of in her life, either she had told him not to concede or he had used it on her to convince her to keep trying. For her, it had always meant 'It's worth the fight', or 'it'll be worth it in the end'. However, somewhere deep down she worried. Had she given up on certain things in spite of herself? It hadn't felt that way and she didn't regret a thing, not even anything in the past few years, but looking back at her life she realized that she might have missed out on a lot just because she didn't want to give up on Mulder and give in to herself. Would it be so bad to say no every once in a while? She knew it all came down to her own confidence and how she was afraid of disappointing him somehow – it came with the many perks of growing up in a military family. She had a tendency to want to please, and sometimes that meant she got left behind.

Not today, she thought. Not this time.

She still had three days left and she promised herself, right there on the green grass of Brooklyn that she would grant herself this time. She had just one more lecture to go, the day after tomorrow, and other than that it was just her and New York.

After about an hour of relaxing, her phone rang unexpectedly. When she saw the caller ID, she smiled, but inwardly she felt that pang of guilt again – it was Mulder. Just a few hours ago she had accused him of not caring, and yet, here he was calling her. 'Scully,' she answered. 'Scully, it's me,' he answered as per usual. 'So how are you enjoying the Big Apple, the concrete jungle?' Mulder asked. She smiled. 'Good, actually. I just realized I've never really just been here without having to work all day. It's good.' Mulder chuckled. 'So the original Melting Pot is growing on you, huh. You know people call it the centre of the universe? Might be an X-file there.' She shook her head although there was no way for him to see. 'I think that's just Times Square, Mulder. And I'm not working, X-file or not. Didn't Skinner tell you? They closed that department about half a decade ago.' She knew Mulder was still a little sensitive about it but they teased each other about it all the time. 'Ouch,' he replied. 'Way to break the mood, Scully.' 'I'm sorry,' she replied. 'Anyway, how's things going over there?' 'Just fine,' he said. 'You know, the usual.' 'Have you left the house yet since I've left?' she asked, and it was half a joke, half truly a concern. 'I have, actually. A man has to eat,' he said and she smiled. 'I'll be back in a coulple of days.' He sighed. 'Okay, I'll be waiting.'

As they said goodbye Scully realized he hadn't actually asked about the lecture at all.

Scully decided to take a walk along the river, watch the sun set and make her way back uptown to her hotel before it got really late. It might be October and winter might be fast approaching, but the evenings were still pleasantly warm and the weather was much better than she had anticipated. She got up and collected her things before she started following the path down towards the water. People were gathering in photogenic places, tourists and locals coming together to create a beautiful mix of cultures. She saw a few romantic couples hand in hand, groups of children playing baseball, people taking selfies and others enjoying the evening to get a workout in running along the river and through the park. It was easy to get lost here, to become invisible but yet feel like the best version of yourself. It was a total antithesis and she found that it was the opposites of this city that were making her fall in love with it.

It was around 2300 when Scully finally made it back to her hotel, having walked the Brooklyn Bridge before getting in a cab. As she entered the lobby for the second time that evening she spotted someone she vaguely recognized from her lecture – a woman who had caught her eye earlier that day because of her strong and elegant demeanor. She seemed to be engaged in flirtatious conversation with one of the male bartenders, who looked like he was about to break some company rules for her. Smiling to herself, Scully thought about her self-proclaimed freedom: Seemingly she wasn't the only one using this trip as a pocket universe. Making her way upstairs to her room she thought about the woman, and all the other people that she'd seen today. She had made friendly conversation with some of them, caught up with others that she already knew, yet still she was alone tonight. She didn't mind, she liked being by herself but it was an innate difference between her and some of her friends who always seemed to have someone around. She had accused Mulder of being a recluse once (maybe more than once) in the heat of the moment, but truth be told she wasn't much more socially adept herself.

About thirty minutes later she was in bed, her laptop propped up on her legs to do some final work before going to sleep. She thought of the woman in the bar. Would she still be down there? Or would she be making her way up to her room as well, with or without the bartender following? She didn't do one-night stands anymore, things had a tendency to get ugly when she did so she'd given up a long time ago. Anyway, she was with Mulder now so a romance was out of the question anyway, pocket universe or not. Still, she envied the blond woman who seemingly put her sexuality and satisfaction out there a lot more than she ever had.

Scully had never thought of herself as a very sexual person. Sure, she liked the feeling, but she had always needed a certain connection to feel completely at ease. Also, she preferred making love over sex, making the distinction between a meaningful, emotional and physical connection and a way of self-satisfaction through sex with someone. Her first time with Mulder had scared her in its intensity but it had to this day been one of her most cherished experiences. Dana felt her body react to her trip down memory lane, a warmth spreading through her limbs and belly. She missed those days, the days where Mulder would look at her like she was the most valuable, precious thing in the world before carefully approaching her (or pushing her against the wall of her apartment). Neither had happened a lot recently and even though she didn't really need sex to survive she did miss the connection that she could only share with another human being in that way.

She decided it was time to go to sleep, to try and process the events of today and start out fresh tomorrow. There was nothing planned, she had the whole day off and Scully felt almost overwhelmed with possibilities. She decided that she'd get breakfast somewhere before just heading into the city to try and regain that feeling that she'd gotten a few times today: That feeling deep down where she felt so full of life and energy again. For the first time in a long time she felt like it was okay to be utterly and unapologetically herself.


	2. Stella

" _The brave one is not she who doesn't feel afraid, but she who conquers that fear with undeniable brilliance."_

 **Courage Is A Woman**

Chapter 2. _Stella_

How does one get one's life back on track after a devastating experience that leaves you a changed person? How does one simply 'get back to it'? Stella Gibson had no clue. After arriving back home from Belfast she had turned the key in her door and she'd been utterly lost. She had decided to start by collecting the mail on her doormat, and after that, little by little she had tried to get some kind of control back over her life.

Her job was on the line, her reputation at the Met was absolutely shattered and so was her emotional wellbeing. She had been offered counseling, but she had declined. She had been offered a desk job at a different office by her superior instead of administrative duty, but she'd chuckled sarcastically and left the room. All of those decisions, every decision she had made in the past six months had all boiled down to this moment. Stella Gibson was sitting in her living room, a glass of red wine in hand, holding an invitation to a four-day forensic crime conference in New York. Clearly, the Metropolitan police just wanted to get rid of her for a little while as they still needed to figure out what to do with her. It was a work trip, all expenses paid, so she wasn't about to say no. However she couldn't shake the irony – one of the suggested lectures was about the impact of a defendant's mental or physical injury to a court case. It had been her ultimate downfall (if there had by that point been anywhere for her to fall down to) and although she knew she could learn a thing or two at this conference she didn't like the implications.

Paul Spector had touched her and he had left her wounded like no man ever had. Except maybe her father who, in dying, had left her with the biggest wound of all – a gaping hole in her heart. Ever since that had happened she had vowed to herself not to let anyone get that close ever again. She had faltered and she had failed before, but this was a different kind of pain. It went deeper, it was more personal. He had, after all, read her dream diary which was the most private thing she owned. Now that he was gone the knowledge had gone with him, but still she felt utterly exposed at the thought of someone (let alone a serial killer) reading her most private thoughts and dreams. Since losing it she had started a new diary, but it was always put away in a bag or locker when she was travelling. Only in the confines of her own home would she leave it out on her bedside table. She had always been careful not to let anyone invade her privacy in a way that made her uncomfortable, and she felt like that part of her had been destroyed in Belfast. Not only by Spector, but also by others. Men, mostly, who had in many small ways shown their inability to deal with her as a woman in their masculine, patriarchal culture had one by one said or done things that had hurt her. She hadn't shown it, naturally, but she was very aware of it. Still, she would conquer these little things every single day until one day the accumulation of them had made her yearn for a world without men.

Of course there had been good men, too. Some slightly overcompensating, others too insecure to prove useful in the long run. However, that had also impacted her for reasons she simply couldn't understand. She'd had her desires met and it had become public knowledge and apparently it was a big deal. Now that she was back home she had been reprimanded, she'd expected a demotion (wouldn't that be easy) but she hadn't gotten one, she had simply received a shitload of administrative tasks and small assignments that would keep her busy and off the streets, so to say. Stella had decided to grin and bear it for a little while before working her way back up, because even though she didn't agree with everything she knew she'd fucked up.

Therefore, the invitation to the conference in New York came at exactly the right moment. She needed to get away from under the paperwork and she needed to, literally, stretch her legs. Having visited New York many times before she knew the possibilities, the freedom it would give her and frankly she couldn't wait.

The hotel she had been appointed was every bit as fancy and upscale as she had come to expect. Stella had stayed in her fair share of nice hotel rooms while working for the Met, but she knew it was partially because of her reputation and demeanor that they didn't even ask, they just booked the best rooms for her. She was glad that she still had that, at least – apparently someone was unaffected by the rumors going around, and that someone had booked her this room. It was nice, on the thirty-second floor of one of New York's largest and most expensive hotels. It offered a beautiful city view and even though she wanted to pretend it didn't affect her, Stella still allowed herself a girlish giggle as soon as the door closed behind the bellboy. Oh yes, sometimes it was still good to be DSI Stella Gibson.

She had had a long day of travelling so she decided to call it a night and go to bed early today. She'd be in New York for a week, having added some of her vacation to the trip. Tomorrow would be the first day of the conference and she had decided to go to three lectures instead of the suggested two – she was here now anyway, she might as well put her time to good use. She wanted to research the lecturers a little before going in tomorrow so she put her alarm for an early start, took a long shower and got ready for bed.

Her dream diary made its way into the bedside cupboard and she put a glass of water on the table should she need it – she knew her body and she knew how it reacted to the time difference. She was exhausted so it didn't take her long to fall asleep.

 _She walked along the green paths of Central Park, a blue sundress flowing around her knees. Not wanting to look she felt a large hand in hers, a clear memory from her childhood. But she wasn't a child, she was a full grown woman holding a hand that was a little too familiar in its usual absence. The hand squeezed hers softly. 'Look, Stella,' a familiar voice said. 'That's the Belvedere Castle.' She smiled and increased her pace. 'Come on,' she encouraged the man next to her. 'Let's go!' Her voice was her own, but her tone was that of an eight-year old._

' _Easy my star,' she heard the voice say and she slowed. Still, she hadn't looked, because she knew that would only bring her pain. Somehow her consciousness was protecting her – to look up would mean to know without a doubt that this was a dream, something that would never be a reality. Not looking meant there was still hope._

 _As they ascended the stairs towards the top of the castle Stella looked around, carefully avoiding the man to her right. The park looked as beautiful as she remembered, leaves had started to change color and the sun was shining brightly across the turtle pond. There was no one around and everything around her seemed to focus on the man next to her._

 _Slowly but surely Stella felt the world around her shift. It was as if she didn't have a choice; she was going to see him anyway. As she felt the hand slip from hers she tried to close her eyes. 'No,' she said out loud. 'Come here,' she tried to get the hand back in hers. It didn't happen, nothing seemed to work as the dream turned against her. A man appeared in front of her – her daddy, her knight – and he held his arms out to her. 'Come here, Stella,' he said softly and even though she knew she shouldn't, she approached him anyway. Eight-year old Stella had been defenseless against her daddy's charms, and in her dreams, so was fourty-year old Stella. All the armor she had built, every wall she had erected with care wasn't enough to help her now as her father hugged her close. This time she could close her eyes and she allowed herself to breathe him in._

 _She sighed._

 _As her arms came around him she relaxed into his embrace, it felt so good to hold her father close again – it was something she missed dearly, his presence, his support._

 _She was about to give in to the feeling and fully be in the moment when she felt a shift. Clouds gathered and the arms around her tightened. Too late she realized that she was no longer holding her father._

' _Hello, Stella.'_

Somewhere on a dark New York street, in a fancy hotel room a woman jolted upright.

Cold sweat covered the front of her top and her back, and Stella sighed deeply to try and control her reaction. It was just a dream. She collected her diary from the cupboard and once she had her breathing under control she wrote down what she remembered. It had been a similar dream for days now; she was a young girl but she wasn't and her father was with her but he wasn't. Every time she looked at him he would change into her most recent demon, but the longer she could refrain from looking at him the longer she could be with her father again. It was a torturous game and she cursed her mind for the trickery. ' _Saw daddy again – in Central Park this time. I'm wearing the blue dress, the one from my eighth,'_ she wrote. ' _I can't stay with him, I can't look at him. When I do he becomes Spector. Can't remember much more.'_ She put her diary down again and pulled the damp top over her head; she was used to sleeping with very little to no clothes on so she didn't bother to get up and replace them. Looking at her alarm she noticed it was around 2AM, which in London time would mean time to get up and start the day. Sighing she laid her head back down, pinching her nose against the upcoming headache. Stella hoped she'd still be able to get a few hours of sleep in before dawn. Recently she had been alone a lot, and it had meant that her brain had too much time to process everything. It had come up with multiple cruel ways to torture her about many and all things in her past that she might have regrets or doubts about, and honestly she was about done with the shit it kept producing. Maybe a counsellor or psychologist wasn't such a bad idea after all. She made a note in her phone to check the lecturer's list for any psychologists that she could meet and talk to while she was here before lying back down.

About an hour later she still hadn't gotten much sleep. The city outside seemed to call to her to stay awake. Deciding that if she was going to be awake she might as well enjoy the view Stella got up and opened the curtains. She got back into bed and marveled at how the room was softly lit by the outside lights. She was pretty high up, which meant she got all the beauty but none of the noise and chaos that came with this city. The scale of different buildings looking back at her made for an interesting canvas, so diverse but all coming together as one. Stella found it comforting and she quickly felt herself relax and fall into a slumber even though the city carefully colored her room. She allowed herself to succumb to the heaviness in her head and soon she was asleep again, dreamless this time, while the buildings of New York watched over her.

Stella woke a few hours later at 05:30 and she quickly decided she wasn't going to get much more sleep. She ordered room service and put on a robe before sitting up in bed with her laptop. She decided to start the work she wanted to do before the conference started, and soon she was invested in all the interesting people she was about to meet. A couple of familiar faces crossed the board, but mostly the names were new to Stella. She enjoyed meeting new people so she was looking forward to later today.

Room service came and delivered her breakfast, adding quietly that breakfast was usually served from 0700AM but that they didn't mind the exception. She tipped the delivery boy a little extra for his troubles and ushered him out – they could have just said no on the phone, she thought. However breakfast was nice and it did wonders for her jetlag so she quickly set her alarm for 0700 the next day just to make sure she stayed on the good side of the hotel's service. No more ordering before the kitchen opened.

The hotel had a pool and she debated going for an early swim around 8AM but looking outside she decided on a walk instead. She was on holiday after all, her usual habits could be broken. After ordering a coffee at a nearby Starbucks she strolled off towards the river, trying to avoid the traffic that was New York on a Wednesday morning.

Later that day Stella found herself in front of her hotel room mirror, trying to decide which blouse to wear. She had brought a number of work-appropriate garments, and usually she wouldn't bother taking long to decide what to wear but today she seemed hesitant. It was her first big public event since the Belfast disaster and she was bound to meet people she knew. Those people would undoubtedly have heard certain details and they would have drawn their own conclusions. That's the trouble with the media, Stella thought – she had absolutely no control over what was published about her. She liked to be in control of her image; liked to be able to steer it in whichever way was wanted or necessary at the time, and her recent choices had robbed her of that ability. So for now, standing in front of a full-length mirror deciding what to wear was what she was reduced down to.

Stella quickly decided on a light beige silk mix blouse and one of her wide-legged pants, feminine but not too revealing and the same time. She decided to go without make-up except for her usual mascara and a little concealer (jetlag was indeed happening), and her hair was brushed but left untamed. Looking at herself she smiled. Confidence had never been an issue for her since university, but quietly she feared aging like any woman must. However, she knew that the way she carried herself would always mirror in the way people treated her. As a very self-aware teenager she soon learned the power she had over people, especially men, and she had learned to use that power. She wouldn't abuse it, but she could definitely yield it to fit her purpose. It was an art that she had perfected over the years; to know who to keep close and know who to cut loose. As she was looking at the reflection of herself now she saw that woman again, the one who knew what she wanted and needed and wasn't afraid to go out and get it. She liked that woman – she was a lot stronger than dream diary Stella. Vulnerability was a word she tried to stay away from, even though she envied those who were able to open up – she had always thought it wasn't for her. Although she craved it sometimes, the closeness and depth that would be a stable relationship, it scared the hell out of her as well: Who would want her if they really knew her?

The first lecture was very interesting, as was the second one. It was the last lecture of that day that really caught her attention though. It was the one she had been assigned to in the first place, but the interesting thing was that the lecturer was a woman. A former FBI-agent with experience with the paranormal, whatever that meant. Dana Scully was a very interesting woman to Stella, a conundrum of strength and vulnerability. She was very open about her experiences and how she had seen things she could not deny, but she was also a scientist and a sceptic by nature. Stella thought of how Spector had almost fooled her with his acting, and she thought how helpful it would have been to have someone like Dana Scully on board for her investigation. She had seen it all, experienced people at their worst – she would have seen right through Spector. However, that was all over now, and the goal was to learn as much as possible to avoid a repeat of those events. Stella made a lot of notes and really found the woman inspiring. Also, how was she a similar age and could she have done so much? Medical doctor, pathologist, paranormal investigator, FBI Special Agent, and what else? Stella couldn't help but wonder about her achievements. Also, she saw some little signs of nerves and self-consciousness in Dr. Scully's demeanor. How, she wondered. How could someone so accomplished still have doubts? She felt slightly protective towards her, and she felt she wanted to talk to her. Reassure her, and help her in some way. She made a deal with herself to make time for that somewhere during the conference.

All too soon the lecture was over and Dana Scully disappeared backstage. Sighing, Stella gathered her things and went back to the hotel.

Walking through New York she thought she spotted the redhead FBI Agent a few times. Each time it turned out to be someone else, but it unsettled her how much she seemed to have gotten under her skin. Stella believed that every woman had a right to feel confident, a right to step into their power and own that. Somehow she had seen that Dana Scully was struggling with that and it reminded her of her own situation. Somewhere halfway down Park Avenue she had a fleeting thought – what if this doctor woman was also a psychologist? Would she be the perfect person to talk to?

Arriving back at the hotel she tried to shake that thought. It was always best to have a counselor or psychologist that was an outsider, she knew from experience. That someone would be digging deep into her brain and there were certain people she didn't want to know everything. Personalities who were interesting to her from the second she saw them were always among those certain people. Therefore, even if Dana Scully was the best psychologist in the world, she wouldn't want her to dig into Stella's brain – she might not like what she found there.

Stella rarely went out looking for a hookup, but she had decided that tonight, that was the end goal. She needed the distraction because she would otherwise be tempted to call the number on the card she had received at that final lecture. Now that she was back at her hotel and she'd put some distance between her and the woman that had caught her interest she wanted to put her mind to other things. The conference was done for now and the hotel had a nice bar, she would be free for the rest of the day and she would have plenty of time to try and meet someone appropriate there. The trick was to look for a man who didn't expect her attention. The ones that did were always the ones that had already put themselves above her in their minds and she would have none of that. Stella needed the control, she needed to lead. It was one of the things she liked about New York, people were down to earth and honest.

After heading down to the bar she quickly became intrigued by one of the bartenders, starting a calm conversation with him in between his duties. A few men came up to her and offered her a drink. She accepted one drink off one, told another one to fuck off and a third was ignored as if he wasn't there. The bartender regarded it all with interest and caught her eye more than once – he really was an interesting type, she thought. He didn't come to her rescue because he knew she didn't need him to, but he did keep up the irregular conversation they had been having. She loved the independence he gave her while still definitely being interested.

'I'm going up to my room in a bit,' she told the bartender – Nick his name was – to see if he would be interested. 'I'm staying in room 312.' Nick nodded. 'Okay.' He understood.

An hour later Stella was back in her hotel room, having showered and changed into a bathrobe. Dana Scully had not been on her mind for quite some time. She knew what she was getting ready for and it was exactly what she needed. Being in control of her sexuality had always been important to her, but she knew that she had nothing to fear from Nick the bartender; he would be exactly what she was looking for. He had told her earlier on at what time his shift would end, and that was about ten minutes ago. As if on que she heard someone rustle by her door before knocking.

As she made her way to the door she already knew who would be on the other side. Nick, even though he hadn't been flirty, had made it quite clear that he was interested and she had liked his sweet demeanor – he wasn't the arrogant type, although he was particularly good looking. It was a combination that Stella loved and thought it was too rare, especially in London. As she turned the doorknob and opened the door she saw two warm brown eyes looking back at her. 'Hi,' he said. 'Come in,' she answered and something inside her stirred. It had been a while since she had felt this way.

She hadn't changed who she was, never would she even consider doing that. However, she knew that what she'd been putting out to the world recently had been a watered down version of Stella Gibson. One that conformed more, one that worked by the book more (or even cared about the book in the first place). She had deemed it necessary but she utterly hated it. Being here, in New York, an ocean away from home she felt like she knew no one and that was her salvation. The freedom she had here would help her come back to who she had been. For the first time in a long time she felt like it was okay to again be utterly and unapologetically herself.

 _Author's Note: This was a lot of establishing where Dana and Stella are. They will meet soon, and I think they will have a very interesting relationship. I'll be honest and tell you I don't know exactly where this is going, but they are going on a journey together – with me. It feels vulnerable and strange as it is the first f/f relationship I'll write but it's such an interesting and natural pairing to me that I just have to try._


	3. Strangers In New York

Courage Is A Woman

" _You and I met in this city we love, I got in a car with a stranger_

 _You and I get a kick from the ride, we like to live in danger_

 _But who's to say that you know me if you know my name?_

 _I don't need to tell you my story"_

 _Rada – Anonymous In New York_

Chapter 3. Strangers In New York

He was handsome, and the night was young. The curtains were partially open, and outside the city was slowly turning its head away. Stella felt safe and in control, exactly how she liked it. She walked back with Nick towards her bed and turned them around to sit him down. 'I smell like work,' he said. 'That's okay,' she answered softly and kissed him. His hands came up to her legs and she let him, but stopped him when he tried to untie her robe. His shirt came off and she stepped back for a moment to give him the space to remove his jeans. He sat back down, didn't try to turn her around or control her, and she felt proud of her ability to judge people. It had been tested recently, but apparently she still had it.

Stella straddled him, allowing him to touch her breasts through the robe and bra and sighed at the feeling. He was a good kisser, but when he wanted to travel his lips down to her neck she stopped him once again, recapturing his lips before he could protest. They moved further onto her bed and Nick stayed in a sitting position while Stella settled in his lap. Their fucking was slow at first, both of them caught in the feeling of the other person. They were a good match, he thought, and he wondered what she looked like naked. The robe had slipped off one shoulder and he saw freckles dusted across her delicate skin. Somehow he understood her, he knew this was about her more than it was about him and he liked it. She leaned back a little to look into his eyes and he was quickly lost in the turbulence he saw there. His hands came to her face and she softly redirected them, letting them settle on her hips. As her movements became more frantic he matched her speed, moving his hands up her back to ask her to lie down with him. She let him softly pull her down to him because of the undemanding nature of his request and he took a little bit more control of their rhythm, and somehow she found it sweet. He was clearly there for her needs.

Soon, waves of pleasure were coursing through Stella. Sometimes, orgasm wasn't even her end goal – not everyone had the ability to give that to her and sometimes it didn't matter. It was about the physical connection first, the touch of another person, the looking into each other's eyes, the control she could have. How much she could take and how much she could give. But Nick was good, he was handsome and strong – and he obviously understood her motives. As she felt him move impossibly deep she couldn't control her reaction, a moan came from deep within her and she buried her face in his chest. His hands held her close, one on her lower back and the other in her hair and she was slightly uncomfortable but really too far gone to care as the world around her seemed to stop and she came.  
As the tremors subsided she lifted her head and sat up, looking into his eyes. He seemed to be asking permission and she nodded, barely noticeable but he understood. She moved on him, determined to control his pleasure, to make sure he didn't take it but she gave it to him. One more grind, one more circle of her body and he dug his fingers into her hips, moving slightly uncontrollably. The movement caused another small wave of pleasure to wash over her, it had always been one of the most erotic things about a man – the moment they let themselves go at the mercy of her power.

Much later Nick invited her into the shower, and she declined gracefully, smiling at his considerateness. As he re-emerged she was sitting on the side of the bed, looking at him. 'How long are you staying for?' he asked in his New York accent. 'Five more days,' she answered. They didn't specify whether they'd meet again. He didn't ask, she didn't tell. He suspected he would not see much of her again, but he might be mistaken. Nodding, he looked at her one last time. 'If you need anything, I'll be in the bar most of the time.' It was partially a lie because he'd only be there from the afternoon into the night, but he figured she knew. Stella nodded and granted him a smile in return. 'Thank you.' Nick left and she remained there for a little while, sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at the door.

A few doors down Dana Scully was asleep, her curtains also opened a little as a reminder of where she was. Her night would mostly be spent asleep, as opposed to Stella's, who was still suffering from jetlag and nightmares to keep her from resting properly once she made her way into bed.

The next morning came quickly for Dana, and as the city started to wake up and the light slowly crept into her room she opened her eyes. Sighing she buried her face in her pillow for a few minutes – the first few minutes were always the hardest. As she looked at her phone she saw a text message from the conference organization to thank her for yesterday and one from Mulder asking her opinion on an autopsy report. She ignored the first one and told Mulder she'd get back to him, in the end, she was on a kind of holiday. Within the hour she was outside, a fresh cup of coffee provided by the hotel in one hand and her phone in the other. The air was cool but there was a promise of a sunny day hanging around the city and she decided to try and spend most of it outside. Getting breakfast was easy, there were hundreds of places to choose from and soon she'd found a cute place with a bar table looking out into the street where she could sit. She ordered a very indulgent breakfast that included pancakes, yoghurt with fruits and another coffee and sighed in contentment as she put it all out in front of her: What a way to start the day.

Stella woke three times during that night. The first time she wasn't sure if she had dreamt – there were images in her mind but they might just be her imagination. The second time she had a headache and needed the bathroom, where she was reminded of her evening in a pleasant way: The bathroom smelled faintly of man and Nick had left it in a kind of disarray.

The third time she woke she was sweaty and shaking: he had returned. Just as her brain had started to replay the events of last night in her mind, just as she had subconsciously decided to give in to that feeling she had felt it happen. Her mind had reached deep within and somehow the image of Nick had turned into Paul. Overpowering her, pinning her down – violating her even in death. She grabbed her dream diary from the nightstand and tried to make sense of her feelings. Writing down what had happened seemed too personal but she tried anyway, thinking that it was what she would have done before. Jotting down what she remembered she also decided to stop trying to get some decent sleep, apparently it wasn't going to happen. She felt slightly more rested than yesterday but the headache hadn't gone, and she vowed to herself not to drink any alcohol today – her body could use a day off.

It was around the same time as she had woken up yesterday, her phone reading 05:51AM. Remembering the room service policy she decided on a swim, maybe the pool would be open and it would be quiet so she could gather her thoughts. Putting on her swimsuit she covered it with Adidas tracksuit bottoms and a zip up hoodie. She collected her things – swimming cap, goggles, slippers and a towel and headed downstairs.

The swimming pool door indicated no opening or closing hours and she could see it had been in use by the rippling water so she decided to just dive in and enjoy her alone time there. Swimming was her outlet, it was freeing and demanding at the same time. She could exhaust herself or relax completely, train every part of her body or train her mind, and she was completely submerged within herself. If she needed to, she could cry and no one would notice. If the outside world threatened to get too hard she could use the water to escape.

The hotel pool was a decent size, nowhere near her regular competition-sized pool back home but it would do nicely enough. She started swimming and soon she got into her rhythm, controlling every movement, every breath she took. Her mind wandered to the conference, and soon, to the doctor she had seen. Diana? She didn't quite remember her name but she knew she wanted to talk to her. She had after all said that they could contact her if they had any questions. And Stella had many, many questions.

She continued to swim for almost a full hour, slowing down a little in between before picking her speed back up. No one disturbed her in the pool, and she enjoyed having the space to herself, reminding herself to try and use this time slot for her entire stay in New York. At around 07:30 people started to join her, and she thought it was time to leave. Back in her hotel room she decided to, after having showered away the pool's chlorine scent, dress casually for the day. Dark, slim fitting pants and a T-shirt would be comfortable yet classy and she'd be okay walking around Central Park all day. Stella usually didn't wear flats, she was a high heels type of girl, but she was glad to have brought a pair of shiny black business-like shoes that would be feminine yet durable if she was going to walk a lot. Knowing the city she remembered distances were always longer than they would seem at first, and even though the walk would be worth it she wouldn't want to spend all day in pumps. Her hair was still slightly wet and she decided to let it air dry. It would turn out more straight than usual but she didn't mind, not wanting to waste time blow-drying and curling it.

Soon, she was outside and looking for a spot to eat something. Swimming had made her hungry and her headache had turned into a dull throbbing – no alcohol, she reminded herself. After walking for a few minutes she spotted a coffee house across the street. As Stella walked into the café she looked around to see if she could sit. On the left, by the window, she spotted someone she recognized - the woman from the conference. There was a bar table set up against the front and sun was starting to seep in, reflecting off of the woman's bright red hair. Dana, she remembered. Her name was Dana. Stella ordered a coffee and a sandwich and thanked the barista before taking a table on the wall. She could see Dana from her position, and she was intrigued by how the sunlight carefully illuminated her. She seemed oblivious to the world around her, and Stella tried not to watch her too intently – after all, she didn't even know her.

After looking at her from a distance for a few minutes while finishing her sandwich Stella decided to join her. She was eager to get to know Dana and there was really no reason not to say hi – they had seen each other before, although that might be unbeknownst to Dana. She grabbed her coffee and walked over to the bar area where people were slowly leaving for work. As she stepped into the light that came in through the window she got a look at the food Dana was indulging in and she smiled. 'Hi,' she said, cocking her head to the side. 'Can I ask you something?'

Scully heard someone approach before she heard the voice, but when she did she felt strangely captivated. A smooth, soft voice with an impeccable British accent was asking her a question and it was so unexpected that she had to gather herself for a second. 'Sure,' she answered. 'I'm not from around here though, so I'm not sure if I can help you.' She didn't know why she made an excuse but she felt like she needed to. 'That's okay,' the woman answered. 'I think I saw you at the crime conference yesterday, would that be correct?' Scully nodded as she realized she recognized the woman from there as well. 'Yes, actually. I was there yesterday lecturing.' The woman in front of her was the same woman she had seen in the hotel bar the night before. She had been thinking of her earlier, and last night as well, thinking of the ways in which they differed. However sitting next to her now Scully could only notice the similarities. 'I'm Stella Gibson, Detective Superintendent with the Metropolitan Police,' the woman introduced herself. 'I'm here from London.' Scully smiled. 'Dana Scully, I'm a medical doctor.' She didn't name the FBI part, thinking that Stella would know if she attended her lecture and there was really no need to name it in a busy New York café. 'Mind if I join you?' Stella asked and Scully indicated the seat next to her. 'Please do. So what brings you all the way here?' she dared to ask. Stella looked at her coffee for a moment. 'A case, or rather… The aftermath of one. It's a long story. I found your lecture yesterday very insightful,' she slightly changed the subject but Scully was clever too. 'Did it relate to your case? I hope it was helpful in some way.' Stella nodded. 'Yes, and yes. Which is why I wanted to talk to you. I was wondering if I could run some notes by you.' It was only partially a lie – she could use any insights Dana might have to ease her mind and to help influence the still ongoing cases against her, but there was something more going on. Stella felt a tingle in her belly whenever Dana's eyes met hers. She was open and bright and it didn't seem like an act like it sometimes was for Stella, and that reeled her in like a fish on a line. She was defenseless against Dana Scully's blue eyes, her red shining hair and her obvious intelligence. It unsettled her a little but it also intensified the feeling, and since she was on holiday she allowed herself the chance to explore this. As long as she could control it she would be fine.

Dana looked at the other woman's face. She was maybe a few years younger than Dana, but not by much looking at what she had achieved. Her blond hair was slightly damp, probably from showering, and she looked clean and classy. Scully thought she looked like the ultimate power woman: self-assured, calm, peaceful and in control, all things she struggled with on a daily basis. She hadn't come here with the intention of making friends but she had a feeling that Stella Gibson would be her type of person. 'What kind of notes do you need me to take a look at?' she asked. 'Nothing procedural,' Stella said quickly. 'I just have some case notes on a man that malingered amnesia in favor of his court case. It was a difficult case that didn't end well, but I'd like to learn as much as I can from the experience given the fact that it will stay with me for a long time and possibly put an end to my career.' Scully nodded. 'Okay,' she agreed. 'Do you want to meet later to go over them?' Stella agreed. 'Yes, but let's not waste a perfectly good day by staying inside. Do you mind working outside somewhere?' Scully shook her head softly. 'No, not at all. I was going to go into the city today anyway.' Scully would never forget how the first time she was in New York she was astounded by the amount of parks and green corners she found. Stella smiled. 'Good. Let's meet back here at let's say... 1400? We can head to Central Park for the afternoon.' Scully nodded. 'Okay. I do think we're in the same hotel actually, we could just meet in the lobby.' Stella regarded her quietly and Scully felt as if she was looking straight into her soul. 'Sounds good,' Stella agreed. 'I'll leave you to it,' she said with a hint of a smile around her lips, pointing towards the partially devoured pancakes. 'I'll see you around.' Scully nodded. 'Bye.'

Both women spent their mornings rediscovering the city and with it maybe parts of themselves, and both women were on each other's minds.

Scully thought about the blonde who apparently was in a bad spot after a particularly hard case. She would never have guessed it from the way she looked – put together and on top of things, but then again, that might be the point. She hadn't seen any indication of a wedding band, or any other jewelry. Going from what little she'd seen in the bar last night she'd profile Stella as single, independent, but with a difficult childhood. From what little they had spoken she suspected Stella knew how to work through her emotions, but also care deeply if things got personal. She recognized herself in those characteristics, and she smiled at the thought – somehow, this detective, this stranger that she'd only just met was known to her.

Stella decided to go shopping and she found herself trying on dresses in no time. As she stood in front of a full-length mirror she let her eyes roam her reflection. She had picked a navy blue midi length dress, the neckline deep and flattering but still very high-end and leaving enough to the imagination. She liked what she saw and sighed contently. Her mind wandered to Dana Scully, would she be interested in women? Maybe not, at first. She'd been there before, and it hadn't been an issue then, Stella thought. Going with the flow sometimes meant breaking your own rules. Was it smart? Probably not, and it sure as hell wasn't appropriate but Stella really and truly couldn't care less at the moment. She found she was really looking forward to spending more time with Dana, liking her mysterious energy. She bought the dress and decided to walk back to the hotel to make sure she met Dana on time.

After Scully finished her pancakes she made her way to Bryant Park. It was one of the places that had stayed with her from other visits. The park was located behind the New York Public Library, making it something of a hidden treasure. It was surrounded by skyscrapers and there were busy streets on three sides of the park, the fourth being guarded by the impressive library building. There was always such a wide range of people there, street artists, musicians, the working class on break, students. Actors studying their lines, writers, locals, tourists… To Scully this one tiny park represented the entire city, and it was a strange but beautiful thing to be in the middle of. She had brought her tablet so she could do some work, but while she was looking over Mulder's autopsy files she felt her attention wander to the people around her. Sighing, she put her tablet away again and reminded herself of the fact that she wasn't in any way obliged to work today, especially not for Mulder. Almost immediately she caught herself and she chuckled at the realization: She would be working this afternoon as well. And she was actually looking forward to it.

Stella Gibson had taken her time to change before heading downstairs to meet Dana that afternoon. As she walked through the lobby she spotted her partner from the previous night in the bar, getting ready for his shift, and as he made eye contact she smiled at him. He nodded at her as a sign of recognition and went on with his work – yes, an appropriate choice, she commended herself again. As she looked down at her dark maroon high heels she heard the lift ping again.

Dana exited the elevator and immediately saw Stella waiting for her a little further into the hotel lobby. She was wearing dark blue pants, a grey fitted T-shirt and red heels, and Scully felt a little bit intimidated; Stella seemed to be all business and it was a little bit unsettling. Dana hadn't really considered her outfit and was still wearing her dark jeans, although she had changed into a different top because of the nice weather. Her Nikes seemed awfully casual compared to Stella. Also, the heels had added a few inches to her height and she was now definitely taller than Scully.

'Hi,' Dana said smiling, unsure if they should shake hands or not. 'Hi,' Stella answered. 'Did you have a nice morning?' Scully nodded. 'I did, actually. How about you?' Stella started walking and Dana followed. 'Yes, thank you,' she answered. Any awkwardness Scully had felt quickly faded as they found they talked easily. Together they exited the hotel and headed for the subway. They decided to head to Central Park, get some lunch on the way before exiting the subway at East 96 street and finding a random spot in the park to sit. Neither of them knew their way around Central Park well but both of them had been there before and they felt confident they would find their way. Soon they found a spot on the reservoir, giving them a view neither would quickly forget. Deciding on a bench on the running track Stella smiled at Dana who was admiring the New York skyline visible from their position. 'It's quite the view, isn't it.' Dana nodded. 'It is, I don't think I've let myself see it before.' It sounded strange but it was true and Stella understood. 'Have you been here before?' she asked. Scully nodded. 'I'm pretty sure I ran this exact track one morning. But somehow I didn't even see this.' Stella smiled sadly. 'Well, we're here now.' Dana met her eyes and sighed. 'Any advice?' Stella frowned a little. 'What do you mean?' Dana looked down at her folded hands. 'You seem to have it all under control. I'm… I could use some of that right now.' Stella shook her head. 'I think women often feel pushed to have everything under control. Be beautiful, be confident, have a husband, have a child. Be happy. The reality is, no one has their shit together. We're all just pretending. The image we put out to the world sometimes isn't in any way who we are.' 'Huh,' Scully pondered. 'I recently realized I've been living for someone else for a long time, so even though I'm not sure how I feel about that yet I agree with you.' 'Are you married?' Stella dared to ask, even though there was no wedding ring on Dana's hand. 'No,' Scully said softly and it moved Stella a little to hear the vulnerability in Dana's voice. For a few seconds she waited for her to ask the same question, but Dana never did – she seemed caught up in her past, looking out over the lake. Changing the subject Stella grabbed some of the files she'd brought from her bag. 'Here, this is what I'd like your help on,' she started, opening the folder and putting it on Dana's legs. Dana met her eyes shortly and smiled, thankful for the interruption. 'The Belfast Strangler,' she said softly and started to read.

Two hours later they had moved to the grass lawn after Dana's legs had gone numb from sitting on the bench. Stella had been grateful, not wanting to admit that her heels weren't the most comfortable ever, but the lawn had given her a chance to kick them off for the excuse of being unable to walk gracefully. They had settled in the shade, partially against a tree because Dana had been afraid of getting sunburnt – something Stella could easily imagine being a problem for the fair skinned redhead. She would have had the same problem but the SPF in her moisturizer would take care of the worst of it. Both women had their notebooks out, having had some interesting revelations during their discussion. Stella was impressed by Dana's knowledge and ability to analyze while Scully thought she had never met someone with more human insight than Stella Gibson. She seemed to be able to read people very well, and Dana was sure Stella had concluded a thing or two about her during the past few hours – but she didn't mind. In fact, she was really enjoying the way they were able to discuss with and listen to each other, something she realized she missed with Mulder. He would often not even hear her out, seemingly not even listen to her unless she explicitly told him to shut up. Stella was different. She was interested in every word, every theory Dana had and even if she didn't agree she'd be open to the suggestion. Dana found the case interesting as well, although she could see that Stella was only showing her the theory – It must have been devastating, but she wasn't giving much emotion away. Dana regarded her quietly sometimes, hearing words coming out of Stella's mouth that seemed almost detached from what her eyes were showing. Those icy grey-blue wells were unable to hide the truth, and Dana had been trained to look for the truth all her life.

At one point Stella met her eyes while talking about how the suspect had played a game with her during their interviews and Dana was instantly slightly taken aback by what she saw. Stella averted her eyes and continued to speak but Dana stopped her, putting her hand on Stella's forearm. 'Hey,' she said softly. 'Are you okay?' Stella hadn't really given her a reason to ask other than what she'd seen in a flash across the other woman's eyes. A darkness, a memory. One that Stella seemed to want to forget. Stella stopped talking and gathered herself for a second before meeting Dana's eyes again. This time, the darkness was gone. It had been replaced with something else, something Scully couldn't exactly place. A coping mechanism, her mind told her. 'Yes,' Stella answered her, almost coldly. Scully recognized it as emotional detachment, something she was particularly bad at recently. She'd often tried it just before she broke, and suddenly she was afraid she had pushed Stella to that same point. 'I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm sorry,' she apologized. 'No need,' Stella said. 'It's nothing.' Dana decided to let it go for now and she removed her hand from Stella's arm.

Shortly after that they decided to call it a day and enjoy the park a bit before heading back. Unbeknownst to Stella, Scully wondered if it would be okay to ask her to join her for dinner, she would enjoy the company and they could talk a bit more. After packing up she decided to just ask, after all, there was no reason not to. 'Do you have dinner plans?' Scully asked as she was waiting for Stella to put on her heels. Stella looked up at Dana, balancing on one shoe while slipping into the other. 'I don't,' she replied. 'But I know a few places, if you'd like to join me.' Scully smiled, she should have known Stella would turn it around in a heartbeat – suddenly she was the one getting asked to dinner. 'I'd love to,' she conceded. They started to walk side by side, trying not to get in the way of the joggers along the water. It was still early, around 4PM and the sky was blue and warm. Scully wondered about what she'd seen in Stella's eyes, thinking that in reality they were strangers after all, having only just met that day. She really had no right to pry, Stella didn't owe her an explanation. Next to her, Stella was quiet – a battle was waging inside of her. She knew that her only hope of dealing with her experiences was to talk about them, to confide in someone, but she felt so vulnerable that it scared her. However, Dana lived across the world from her and she would probably never see her again after this conference – it might be the perfect opportunity.

Quietly and peacefully they walked through the park, staying off the main roads and enjoying the weather. It wasn't as crowded as Scully would have thought and it made her feel free. Then she remembered the question Stella had asked her earlier – if she was married. Stella wasn't the only one not telling the whole story, she thought. 'Can I ask you something?' she said softly to the woman walking next to her in impossibly high heels. 'Go ahead,' Stella answered, putting her hands in her pockets. 'Are you?' 'Am I what?' Stella didn't understand at first. 'Married?' Scully clarified. 'I think by now you've seen that I don't wear a ring, agent Scully.' Dana nodded. 'I have. But that doesn't mean anything.' She remembered how she herself had decided this would be a getaway from all the shit in her life, and it wasn't so hard to imagine someone like Stella doing the same thing. However, Scully was pretty sure she wasn't married and for a split second she wondered why she'd asked in the first place, if she already knew. And what did it matter? 'I've never been with someone long enough to get to that point,' Stella admitted. It was just a statement, no particular tone or mood detectable and Scully pondered her answer for a second. 'I have and it still didn't happen,' she said. Stella looked over at Scully as they walked along the Great Lawn. 'Would you have liked it to happen?' she asked. Scully shrugged. 'We've never needed it, I think.' Stella made a mental note of the fact that Scully was in a relationship, and a committed one going by her answers. Scully saw a waffle stand and walked over. 'Do you want a coffee?' Stella nodded. 'Sure.' Scully ordered and paid and it gave them both a chance to think about their conversation.

'I had a dream about this place,' Stella confessed. They had been walking past the Turtle Pond and she'd spotted the castle. She had decided to try and open up a little bit, see how it went and take it from there. 'Oh,' Scully said. 'Do you have memories here?' Stella nodded, and Dana thought she looked sad. 'You don't need to tell me,' she added quickly. Stella looked at her, smiling weakly. 'It's a long story.' She didn't elaborate and Dana didn't ask, and it was a gentle reminder to Stella of how not everyone wanted or expected something from her. She liked the quiet energy Dana had, the way she listened and the careful apologies when she seemed to have hit a nerve. Stella liked her altruistic and compassionate nature but she also wanted to reassure her that she wouldn't break when the questions got difficult. 'Dana…' she said and mentioned for her to stop walking, softly grabbing her wrist to turn her around. Scully stopped and turned, facing Stella. Stella breathed in deeply, gathering her thoughts before meeting Dana's eyes. 'My father died when I was a girl. He took me here once. That's where the dreams come from.' Scully searched Stella's face, admiring her strength. However, there was more, and Dana felt like she could push a little. 'That's not all of it, is it,' she said softly. Scully watched how Stella's left eyebrow raised, not in a question but in tension. 'No,' Stella said, a slight tremble in her voice. 'I've been having nightmares ever since the case.' Scully knew enough about serial murderers to know they could haunt the dreams of even the strongest person in the world. She didn't ask Stella to clarify, because she knew that Stella's dreams involved the Belfast Strangler. The combination of a loss of father and this man violating her dreams made Scully feel deeply for Stella, who she saw was trying her hardest not to seem affected. To anyone walking past she would seem completely calm and in control, but Scully wasn't oblivious to the pain. She decided to follow her gut instinct, Stella looked like someone who was at moments as lost as she was – and maybe they could help each other. Scully stepped closer, well into Stella's personal space and softly embraced her. Stella returned the gesture, her arms coming around Scully's back. They stood like that for a few seconds, Stella closed her eyes and Dana breathed out slowly. It was a comforting hug, something neither had realized that they had needed until right this moment.

After a few seconds, Scully stepped away, grabbing onto Stella's hand a little while before releasing her. 'I understand,' she just said. Stella had unshed tears in her eyes but seemed in control of them, and as she swallowed them down she smiled at Dana. 'Thank you,' she responded. They both looked at their coffees, wondering how they had managed not to spill them, and in silent agreement they continued to walk past the Belvedere castle. 'So,' Dana said. 'Where did you want to go for dinner?'

And just like that, the tension was gone. Knowing, understanding and accepting each other's needs both women knew that they were safe with each other. They didn't need to tell each other their stories, not just yet. As they got deeper into the park they reached the Ramble, a series of smaller, secluded paths leading through the heart of the park. Stella smiled at Dana's enthusiasm, and when Dana reached back to grab Stella's hand to help her climb a series of steps she decided to let it linger a little while. Dana didn't seem to mind and Stella softly squeezed her palm. She saw Scully look down at her feet for a second before a smile spread across her face again. She didn't look at Stella, but quietly she decided that this was okay. She was allowed to have this. It wasn't something she was familiar with and she didn't even really know what it was, but she knew that she wanted to let it develop.

Stella slightly regretted her choice of shoes, but she would gladly suffer a little to see Dana so open and free. She could see the exact moment Dana decided to accept this, whatever it was, and Stella was intrigued by her reaction. The way she held on to Stella's hand, softly but surely, and the straightness in her shoulders told Stella that she'd be okay. Dana wasn't going to abandon or hurt her, that's not the kind of person she was. Whatever pain they both might be in, they had a few days away from it and Stella was determined to try and find herself again.


	4. Habits

Courage Is A Woman

" _I must be crazy to want this_

 _'Cause you are the girl of my dreams_

 _But I'm prone to ruin the good things_

 _Cautious 'round balance it seems_

 _But with you it is different_

 _The rules don't apply_

 _But I need some distance to step out of line"_

 _Maria Mena_

Chapter 4. Habits

It was well after 7PM when they finally made it to their dinner location of Stella's choice, a restaurant on Madison Avenue that wasn't as fancy as Scully had expected it to be. They had been walking all afternoon, finding a quiet place here and there to look out across the park and relax a little before moving on but they were tired and their feet hurt. Stella had always loved exploring the Rambles in Central Park, it was her favorite place in the city, so she had thoroughly enjoyed herself. However, she was hungry and so was Scully. The host gave them a seat in a corner by the window and took their order for drinks before handing them a menu. Soon, both women were enjoying their drinks and pasta, but mostly each other's company. 'How many times have you been to New York?' Scully asked Stella, because it was only about a three hour journey for her, it must be almost a full day's travel for Stella. 'I don't exactly know,' Stella answered. 'I lived here for a couple of months on an internship while I was in uni and I came here as a child.' They talked about their education a little, Scully being deeply impressed by Stella's achievements, and slowly the conversation turned personal again. Neither of them minded but both of them were aware of it.

Slowly the conversation turned towards Scully's relationship with Mulder, and Stella was intrigued by what she saw play across Dana's face every time she mentioned him. 'How long have the two of you been together?' she asked after learning that he was also with the FBI. Scully smiled. 'We've been working together for twenty years,' she answered. 'We've basically grown up together.' Stella nodded. 'You were partners?' Dana glanced at Stella, a smile in her eyes. 'Yes, and yes, we did sleep together during that time. But it's more than that, it always has been. I think we've known since the moment we met that we would always be in each other's lives. We're... We're important to each other. I think we saved each other more than anything else. He needed me, and I needed him.' Stella looked at the redhead sitting across from her – what a different life they'd had. She couldn't relate to what Dana was telling her whatsoever and it made her heart ache for that same connection. She'd long ago given up on finding a life partner, but she was human after all and especially recently she thought she could use someone to save her. 'That sounds an awful lot like fate,' she said to Dana, a smile trying to hide her true feelings. 'Back then I would have called you insane,' Scully answered. 'There is no such thing as fate. But now, I'm not so sure. We've been through a lot together and we're still here, somehow. So I think you're right. I want to believe that fate knows best.' Stella didn't answer but called over the waiter to collect their plates.

As they were enjoying their chocolatey desserts Scully's thoughts wandered to the woman on the opposite side of the table. She had said that she had never been in a long, committed relationship, something Scully found hard to believe – she knew it must have been by choice. Realizing they were on two completely opposite sides of this she stopped herself, who was she to question Stella's life and the path it had taken? She knew nothing, and she had no right to judge her. Her own relationship was pretty dysfunctional, and even though she'd never actually considered a relationship with someone else or even leaving Mulder for real, she couldn't help but admit to herself that it had been on her mind recently. How does one keep track of one's happiness if all you've been doing is making sure everyone else is all right? She'd asked herself that question before while in New York and Stella and her different view on life just intensified the feeling for Scully. Was she happy? Was she where she needed to be?

'Dana?' Scully was ripped from her thoughts by Stella's voice, clearly waiting for an answer. 'Where are you?' Stella asked. 'Sorry,' she said. 'I was… I don't know what happened, I must have zoned out for a bit. I'm sorry, what did you ask me?' Stella looked at her empty plate. 'Never mind, we're tired. Let's head back soon.' Dana nodded. 'That's probably a good idea. Look, I didn't mean to be rude, I was just lost in thought for a minute.' Stella looked at her. 'It's fine, it really wasn't important.' It hadn't been, and Stella had been more interested to see what went on behind Scully's eyes than she had been wanting an answer, because she'd seen such a battle going on there. Even though Dana had a seemingly perfect relationship Stella knew better than anyone that looks can be deceiving. She quietly concluded that Dana wasn't as happy as she said she was. She looked vulnerable and distant while her brain was working and somehow it drew Stella in even more.

They split the bill equally and agreed to head back to the hotel, both of them craving a shower and a change. Also, they hadn't been alone all day since that morning and Stella needed some time to herself. She had realized somewhere during the blissful afternoon in Central Park that she had started to feel attracted to Dana Scully. This was a problem. Dana on the other hand felt strangely powerful and free, and the smile on her lips spoke volumes to the New Yorkers they passed. This, to them, was a woman who had done what many others had done before her – Coming in to this city and in some sense by doing so, coming into themselves. They soon got in a cab because even though the hotel was literally down the street, it was almost 30 blocks down and neither of them really felt like walking too much anymore. Sitting side by side in the cab they were quiet, but comfortable and Stella was soon lost looking at Dana who was enjoying the view outside. The cab ride was almost as slow as walking would have been due to the infamous traffic but neither of them minded. When they finally did get back to the hotel, Scully punched the elevator button and sighed. 'I really enjoyed myself today.' Stella looked at her. 'Me too, and your help has been very insightful.' 'Glad I could help.' Scully answered. As they entered the elevator Scully pushed the button to her floor. 'What floor are you on?' 'Same, actually,' Stella said. 'Room 312.' Scully smiled. 'We're practically neighbors then. I'm in 316.' Interesting, Stella thought, when she'd wanted to put some distance between Dana and herself last night– she couldn't have been much closer if she'd tried.

They said goodbye by Scully's door that was closest to the elevator. Scully felt a little awkward but Stella softly reassured her by taking the lead, establishing that they could go to the conference together the next day. Scully agreed and diverted her eyes to the floor before meeting Stella's eyes. 'I'll see you tomorrow, then,' she said and Stella nodded. 'Good night.' With that, she turned away and walked the few doors down to her own room. Dana watched her for a few seconds before entering her key card – Who even was this woman? What had brought them to this point?

Once the door was closed behind her Scully remembered that she had almost not looked at her phone today – she'd been too busy and frankly, she hadn't wanted to distract herself with work from home. As she fished it out of her bag she found the battery dead so she plugged it into her charger, thinking she hadn't asked Stella for her number. What if she needed to contact her? I'm with the FBI, she thought. I can figure it out. Carefree she got rid of her shoes and jeans before opening her closet, ready to change into something more comfortable. It was around 10PM and she really didn't feel like doing anything anymore, the day's good weather and company having tired her out, so she opted for leggings and her pajama top. The cleaning services had partially closed her curtains and she decided to open them, and to spend the rest of her evening in front of the amazing view that was provided by the circus of lights dancing across New York – after the shower, of course.

A couple of rooms down Stella Gibson was basically doing the same thing, although her room had a bathtub which she had already decided she was going to take full advantage of this evening. She let the tub fill up as she slowly undressed herself, regarding her reflection in the large bathroom mirror. She took good care of herself, but it wasn't for anyone else – it had for a long time now only been for herself. She had learned not to care what others thought, she was in control of what they saw and when they saw it, and that gave her confidence. However, today's events had her thinking about Dana. Would she like the way Stella looked? It had been a long time since she'd been with a woman, but for Stella it had always been about the right person for her needs, whatever gender they may be. She thought she didn't know Dana at all, really – had she ever been with a woman? Had she liked it? Were her and her partner exclusive, or was there some room for her? Stella sighed, deciding not to think about it too much – after all, she was only here for a few days and there was an ocean parting them. A one night stand might be nice, but something more was out of the question before the question had even gotten a chance to be asked. As Stella got in the tub (which had filled up nicely, bubbles everywhere,) she thought back to a recent dream she'd have where a bathtub was the place she died. She had decided back when she'd first had that dream that she wasn't going to let it ruin her baths, but to be honest she hadn't had one since. She felt uneasy and tense, but she made an conscious effort to relax.

About fifteen minutes later she felt frustration rise in her chest. He wasn't here, he was dead – why couldn't she seem to let it go? Every time she tried to relax and breathe out slowly she felt her chest compress, as if he was pushing down on her, as if she was drowning. Every time she closed her eyes she felt his presence, his hands on hers, massaging them before moving his hands to her neck. Very slowly but surely she was starting to panic, and as soon as she recognized the signs she decided to get out of the tub. Wrapping a large towel around her naked body she sat on the edge, trying to calm down, while tears were slowly beginning to stream down her cheeks.

Scully sat on her bed, reading through her notes she'd made with Stella. It was an interesting case and looking back she had found some additional links that Stella might be interested in. Sighing, she collected her notes and put them in a folder. Halfway through, she stopped and chuckled at herself – what was she doing? Why was she preparing to go to Stella's room to show her something that could easily wait until tomorrow, and why was she lying to herself about her motives? It was late and Stella was probably tired, but Scully felt like she needed to see her. She wanted to talk to her more, make sure… Make sure what, exactly? She knew that with or without her, Stella would be okay. If they never saw each other again she would be okay. She'd probably not give Dana a second thought before moving on. Still, their day had meant something to Scully – it had shown her possibilities she hadn't thought of before. Scully thought about last night and the bartender, and she wondered if Stella would be alone. That would be awkward as hell, interrupting DSI Gibson during one of her conquests. Still, somehow, Scully decided to take the risk, not to overanalyze her motives, to just go with her gut for once. It had been a while since she had done that.

Collecting the folder she checked her appearance in the mirror. It would just have to do, she didn't look her best but she had just showered after all and she was sure Stella had probably done the same thing. She got her key card from the table and put on her trainers before heading to room 312.

Stella was still sitting on the bathtub edge when she heard a knock on the door. She realized she was cold, still slightly damp but her body chilled with the air drying her heated skin. 'Just a second,' she called, surprised by her own voice – it sounded hoarse and heavy, and she cleared her throat before standing and looking in the bathroom mirror. Wiping the fresh tears from her cheeks she knew there was no way to hide what she had been doing, and she decided that it was no one's business anyway – let them see, let them draw conclusions. They would be wrong and she wouldn't care. She slipped on a pair of socks and, still covered in just a big towel, she walked over to the door.

'Stella, am I interrupting?' Dana started as soon as the door opened. 'I found some interesting connections I thought you'd want to see…' She stopped dead as she looked upon Stella's face. Her clear blue eyes were open and raw, her lip slightly trembling and a tiny dent in her chin giving away her effort to appear okay. 'What's wrong?' Dana asked softly. 'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come.' 'No,' Stella said quickly. 'It's okay. Come in.' Scully did so hesitantly and closing the door behind her she put the folder on a table nearby. 'Are you okay?' she asked softly. Stella nodded. 'Yes.' Scully could see it was mostly a lie, Stella felt far from okay but she was unsure if she should let it slide or if she should push a little. 'You don't have to tell me if you don't want to,' she said softly, trying to navigate the roadmap shown in Stella's expression. 'But I'm a pretty good listener if you do.' Stella smiled sadly and moved over towards the bathroom. 'I'm going to get dressed. Pour yourself a drink if you want.' It wasn't an answer, and Scully hadn't expected one, but it was something else, something more valuable. Acceptance.

Scully poured two glasses of red wine that she found on a tray table close to Stella's bed, patiently waiting for her to reappear. She walked over to the window, looking at the view that was so similar to hers as she thought about their differences. Judging from the state of Stella's room she was used to staying in hotels like this, upscale places that had many services Dana didn't even know about. She saw a dinner menu, a coffee and tea set and the tray table with an assortment of alcoholic beverages she didn't have in her room. Also, on a chair there were a couple of bagged clothes, probably from a dry cleaning service. Stella seemed to have unpacked everything, whereas Scully had been living out of her suitcase – out of habit more than anything else. Stella seemed to be unapologetically making this hotel room her home for now, her domain. It spoke of a form of control, almost saying to the hotel: You work for me now. Not in a rude way, but in an elegant, clever and unquestioning way. Scully liked it and thought she should do more of that in the future. After all, she had just vowed to herself multiple times that she wanted to pay more attention to her own needs and wants.

In the bathroom, Stella quickly changed into a bralette and her cuffed pajama bottoms, deciding to grab a T-shirt from her wardrobe instead of the silk top she had been wanting to put on. She felt slightly vulnerable and it wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't comfortable either and she used a few moments to gather her thoughts before exiting the bathroom. Dana was by the window and as Stella grabbed and put on a dusky pink v-neck from her wardrobe she turned around. 'Wine?' she asked and handed Stella the wine glass. Untying the bun from the top of her head Stella gratefully accepted the offer. 'I could use some,' she said while moving over to the window, Dana following her. She could feel the other woman's profiling skills hard at work, trying to gauge her mood, gather information from her body language. 'Stop analyzing me,' she said slightly jokingly. 'I'm fine, I promise.' Scully stood next to her at the window and smiled slightly shyly. 'Sorry. Comes with the trade.' Stella sipped her wine. 'I don't like it,' she said seriously. 'Anyway, it was bound to happen, we've been talking about this shitshow of a case all day. I knew it would be hard to shake that.' Scully stood next to Stella, looking at her for a second before turning her gaze towards the city. 'Are you seeing a psychologist about this?' she asked quietly, putting down her glass. 'I'm sure the Met has people for that.' 'They do,' Stella said, turning away from the window to gather her thoughts for a second. 'I've slept with all of them.' 'Oh,' Dana replied.

Scully looked out across the city. From this room she was just able to make out where Times Square was, a small space between two buildings slightly flashing pink, yellow or blue every few seconds between the array of red and yellow. After a few minutes of silence and wine she decided to share something personal with Stella because she felt safe with her, and even if they didn't know each other they were bound to go home to the opposite sides of the world soon anyway. Also, she felt that Stella was making an effort in being honest with her and she wanted to make sure she gave as much as she took. 'I've decided to take this trip as a kind of pocket universe,' she admitted. 'I'm trying to leave all the bad stuff behind. It's been a long time since I've done something for myself so I told myself that while I'm here, I can just do what feels right. That might sound strange to you, but it's something that I keep forgetting.' Stella looked down at her wine glass before putting it down and turning towards Dana, meeting her fierce blue eyes. She saw the truth behind that statement and she recognized it. 'Self-love is so important but so hard,' she said calmly. 'I struggle with it on a daily basis.' 'Really?' Scully asked, turning away from Stella's quiet intensity. Stella averted her eyes to the view outside while still facing Dana. 'I've made a lot of fucked up decisions over the years and I regret a great deal. It's hard for me to recognize the difference between self-love and self-destruction sometimes.' The vulnerability she had felt minutes ago in the bathroom spread out through her heart, and Stella felt a little out of place. She wanted to follow her instincts, step closer to Dana and feel that electricity that was their connection sparkle between them, but she was afraid of rejection. Something about Dana made her unsure – The way she looked at Stella went far beyond what Stella was used to and she was scared it would expose her deepest secrets. She was used to feeling in control, but Dana quietly demanded of her to be her equal, and even though she didn't deserve anything less it wasn't a sure and comfortable position for Stella.

Dana felt Stella's openness hang between them, knowing that it was something she had to be very careful with. Her statement had touched Dana, it was strangely familiar although she had never thought of it that way. She remembered the gentle hug in the park, the way Stella had taken and held her hand while climbing through the woods on high heels and how the physical contact had felt completely natural and soothing. Pocket universe, she reminded herself, and tentatively stepped a little closer to Stella. Her eyes were lost somewhere in New York but her soul was right there as Dana carefully put her hand on Stella's arm. Stella turned her gaze to Dana and a small smile that Scully couldn't decipher played around her lips. Stella's arm came around Dana's back, lying in the place she usually reserved just for Mulder. Slight pressure made Dana step closer to Stella and sighing she accepted whatever was happening – They were in the City of Light, the _concrete jungle where dreams are made of._ She would be okay.

Stella felt Scully carefully lean into her and she remembered their embrace earlier in the day. She knew it had been born out of the need to reassure and comfort, something people rarely did for her, and that it had been sweet and nice. Now, however, there was another element that complicated things: Dana Scully was incredibly beautiful, kind, sexy and interesting – and Stella was falling for her more and more every second they were together. Deciding not to second guess herself Stella leaned into Dana and they came together, meeting in the middle, Scully's hips touching Stella's stomach. Dana turned a little, leaning her head carefully on Stella's shoulder as their bodies found each other. Stella's arms came around Dana to rest on her back while Dana's did the same, clasping her fingers on the curve of Stella's spine. Scully felt a shiver run down her body at the intimacy of their embrace – it was protective, raw and very vulnerable for both of them, but neither felt uncomfortable. Stella's only thought was that she didn't want this to end. The warm feeling of Dana's body against her own was comforting to her and the incredible view made her almost feel like she was dreaming. Was this even a possible reality for her?

Dana looked up after a few seconds, meeting Stella's eyes. They pulled back a little to search each other's gaze, trying to find a reason to move, some indicator that what they were doing wasn't exactly what they wanted. The only thing they found was raw and pure depth – emotional weakness that was laid bare by the other's mere presence.

Stella realized in that moment that these feelings she had didn't complicate anything after all. They only simplified the situation. Dana Scully was here, and Stella wanted her to stay. Not to fuck her (not yet, anyway), but to feel and make her feel safe and comforted. She smiled carefully, giving Dana all the time she'd need to move if she wanted to before slowly licking her lips and moving to kiss her cheek. The kiss was soft, a mere whisper of a touch and Stella watched in fascination as Dana made sense of what was happening. She was prepared to hear an apology, to be rejected, but to her surprise Stella witnessed a slow smile spread across Dana's face as she turned her chin up and defiantly met her eyes again. This time it was Dana who moved – Stella stood still as she felt Dana's hand move to her cheek. Softly Dana touched her lips to Stella's, lingering for a second before Stella responded. Their first kiss was slow and sweet, as Dana tentatively explored the connection of their lips. After a few moments Stella's eyes closed with the wonder of it all as she leaned into this woman who was slowly driving her crazy. Dana sighed and was encouraged by Stella's response, carefully licking Stella's bottom lip on her last kiss before pulling back a little. As they parted Scully breathed deeply and Stella pulled her a little closer. 'Hey you,' she said softly. 'Hey,' Scully replied, looking out at the night view unfolding before her. In the reflection of the window she could see how Stella still had her eyes closed.

After looking out across New York for a few minutes, Stella Gibson safely in her arms, Scully started to feel her bottom lip quiver a bit. As she concentrated on the feeling, a wave of emotion washed over her – within the frame of a few seconds she felt sad, guilty, angry, but also grateful, loved and cherished. It was a deadly mixture and tears came to her eyes. As she tried to hold them back she sniffed.

Stella immediately recognized the sound and felt the mood in the room change with the sound of Dana's tears. Her left hand which had been resting on Dana's back came to hold her red tresses close to her shoulder. 'It's okay,' she tried, not really sure what she needed to say. 'I'm sorry.'

Scully leaned back out of the embrace, letting Stella's hand fall to her side. As their eyes met Dana wondered about what she saw in Stella's icy blue orbs – something true, something deep – but she decided not to linger on it. 'Don't apologize,' she said softly, her voice heavy with emotion. 'I'm not.' Stella smiled knowingly, she understood Dana's inner turmoil all too well. Just because she had gotten really good at hiding it didn't mean that she was impervious to the feelings that sometimes came with physical contact. 'Don't try to hide it,' she advised. 'It's beautiful.'

Realizing what she'd said she looked at Dana's face for a reaction, and watched as Dana averted her eyes to the floor before moving to sit on the carpet in front of the window. She reached for Stella's hand and Stella let her pull her down, sitting cross legged next to Dana. 'I've never done this before,' Dana admitted softly. 'I don't know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.' Stella held onto her hand, putting it on her own leg. 'You're doing it because it feels right. I don't usually do this either.' Dana smiled at her. 'You mean you don't kiss every FBI agent that crosses your path?' she teased. 'Only the beautiful ones that drag me through Central Park all day,' Stella answered, a cheeky smile on her lips. It was the second time she'd called Dana beautiful and even though she meant every word of it she couldn't help but notice how Dana was ignoring it. She decided to let it slip for now. Standing Stella collected and refilled their wine glasses before rejoining Dana on the floor. As they leaned into each other Stella's head found Scully's shoulder again and their hands came together on Stella's thigh. As their fingers entwined they continued to observe the city from high in the sky, both of them silently grateful for the top floor accommodation – it offered a sense of privacy that both of them needed right now. 'What do we do now?' Scully asked quietly after a few minutes of contemplation. Stella raised her head to look at Dana's profile, the outside lights reflecting in her eyes. 'Whatever you want,' she whispered and put her head back where it belonged.

On the small table in the middle of the room the folder Dana had brought was still waiting to be opened. It would lie there, untouched, until one of the women would remember its existence and save it from its lonely position, forgotten, abandoned.

Quietly Dana sighed and turned her head to face Stella, who raised her chin and regarded her openly. 'So,' Dana said softly. 'Is this self-love or self-destruction?' Stella's lip quivered, her chin denting in that utterly exposing way. 'I honestly don't know,' she answered, and Scully sighed. 'Does it matter?' she asked. 'No fucking way,' Stella said softly.


	5. Dreams

Courage Is A Woman

" _When times are tough, we need tough dreams. But real dreams, not lies." – The Fall_

Chapter 5. Dreams

For the first time in a long time Stella Gibson felt truly safe. Next to her, on her hotel room floor, Dana Scully was finishing her glass of wine – clearly unsure of how to proceed and covering it by drinking – but there was no tension in the air. No expectations, no demands, no threats hidden or otherwise. 'Can you stay?' Stella whispered to Dana. She knew it wasn't a question of 'can you', because really until tomorrow morning Dana had nowhere else to be, but Stella wasn't sure she would be able to take that step and spend the night, no matter how innocent her intentions might be.

Dana had expected the question, or maybe she hadn't expected a question at all – a part of her had already decided where her night would be spent. 'Yes,' she replied quietly. Releasing Stella's hand she stood up to put her wine glass back on the tray table in the corner. Her joints cracked from being in the same position on the floor for a while and Dana sighed. 'Let's move to the bed,' Stella said and Dana raised an eyebrow at her. 'To sleep,' Stella clarified, but she couldn't help the smile that played across her features.

There was a moment of sweet awkwardness when Stella took off her fluffy socks and sat up in the bed, throwing the covers back for Dana to join her. 'Sorry,' Scully apologized for her hesitancy, 'I don't really know what I'm doing.' 'That's okay,' Stella said. 'Come here.' Scully nodded, removed her sneakers, socks and leggings and climbed onto the mattress. As Scully joined Stella in the bed she turned her body, sliding down to lie next to her under the covers. Propping her head up on one hand, elbow on the pillow, Stella tried to reassure Dana. The vulnerability and curiosity on Scully's face was quickly melting her heart and all she wanted to do at that moment was hold her in her arms and fall asleep listening to Dana's breathing. She knew she'd probably have a nightmare and she dreaded the moment when Dana would ask for an explanation but she felt like maybe she'd be able to deal with it. 'I really enjoyed your company,' she said to Dana, who was lying next to her facing Stella. Scully nodded. 'Me too.' Stella could see that something was going on in Dana's head, and she decided to let it work itself out instead of pushing her. Dana was brave enough to ask any questions she wanted and at the same time Stella was intrigued by the process. There was a hint of feigned bravery clouding Dana's eyes when she finally met Stella's.

'What are we doing?' Scully said softly, and it was a question she'd asked before. 'We don't even know each other.' Stella reached out her hand to lie on Dana's arm through the blanket. 'I know enough about you to know that there is a story there. I'm interested in stories. I just don't usually take the time to look for them.' Scully smiled sadly, knowing Stella was right. She felt the same way. 'I'm in a relationship, and this has no possible future,' she stated. 'Exactly,' Stella said softly, withdrawing her hand before lying down on her back facing the ceiling. 'That's why it's happening.' Dana felt the truth of that statement down in her belly. She sighed deeply and moved a little closer to Stella, not wanting to invade her personal space but she had a feeling it would be okay. Soon, Stella's hand found hers and they held each other under the covers, meeting in the middle, in that gray area between giving up and giving in. Soon enough Stella was asleep and Scully was moved by the trust Stella showed her. She thought about their kiss, and the quiet joining of souls that had followed on the hotel room carpet, and Scully knew that Stella was right: It didn't matter whether it was right or wrong, not today. They had such an easy connection and they owed it to themselves to explore it, wherever it might lead. She found Stella attractive, no doubt about it, but the sensation was completely new to her. It felt like she almost had to allow herself to look, to give herself permission to enjoy another woman. The feeling of a female hand in hers, a smaller and softer body in the bed next to her made her feel a little strange – tentatively excited and slightly daring. Carefully as not to disturb Stella she robbed a little closer thinking she could always blame it on sleep if Stella were to question her, but she also knew instinctively that there would be no explanation necessary.

Behind Stella's blond hair Scully could make out the colors that were painted across the night sky, and the dancing hues were relaxing and soothing. She might be in unfamiliar territory, but she was completely in control and she felt utterly safe. Also, she felt appreciated and heard, two things she realized had been missing between Mulder and her lately. Mulder, she thought for a second – she'd never checked her messages before coming to Stella's room. The feeling of guilt that had stunned her before returned momentarily but it quickly faded again – even in their daily life they had recently had times where they barely spoke. Even if he had sent her a text he could do without her for a few hours. He had been subconsciously showing her that for years.

" _I'm glad you're here, Stella.'_

 _A voice penetrated the thick air, and inside Stella felt a panic envelop her. She wasn't in control of her body although she could see through her eyes and hear everything that was going on – but she wasn't able to connect brain to body and control her movements. Helplessly she watched as she witnessed herself walking naked towards a bed, a bed where a familiar voice was calling from. 'Come here,' it said. 'I know you want to.' She felt anguished, her inside screaming at her limbs to stop moving, to stop giving in to the voice. There was someone on the bed, and even though he was facing away from her she knew who it was. She wished she had the power to close her eyes, to stop them from playing this terrible film to her but even that had been taken away from her, so she was just a passenger inside her body while it approached its inevitable end. She knew he would kill her. She knew she would witness her own death. She'd been here before, in this hotel room, in his presence but there was nothing she could do about it. She saw her feet move, one in front of the other, her body swaying, tempting, seducing even. 'That's it,' the voice said softly. 'I want to see you.' Slowly the vessel that was her body made its way around the bed, to the other side, where he was waiting for her. He hadn't moved, he never did – letting her come to him was a form of control he wouldn't give up._

 _She watched helplessly as he stood up, already naked as well, and started roaming his eyes over her body. She felt sick under his scrutiny, wanted to run from this room and destroy her dream but she couldn't. All she could do was feel how his hands slowly came to her sides, moving up, up, up to her breasts and she had to watch as he slowly started touching her. She had dreamt of his touch before, and it had been relaxing at first – before reality slowly sank in. However, this time there was no relaxation, no escape from the thing that frightened her the most – she was in mortal danger and there was no way in which she could control the outcome. She was completely and utterly at the mercy of a serial killer._

 _Mortified she watched as his hands followed a path upwards, along her breasts, collarbone, and up her neck. They stopped there for a second, his thumbs caressing the underside of her ears. Strangely she felt the need to lean into his touch, it didn't necessarily feel good, but it triggered something inside of her. Soon enough that feeling was eradicated by his fingers tightening, constricting, strangling her. He was controlling her intake of air, she knew on impulse, and by doing so he was completely at liberty to do with her whatever he wanted – would he choose to let her live or would he watch sadistically as he squeezed the last drop of life out of her? Stella felt herself slip away, dark edges forming around her view of her murderer. She tried to scream and realized she had already been trying that for as long as she could remember – no sound came out, no impulse was being transferred through her brain – it was useless. She was going to die._

'No!'

Suddenly, Stella sat up, gasping for air. The single word she had been able to yell had woken her from her dream, and it took her a moment to realize she was in a different hotel room – with a different body next to her. Catching her breath she almost did not dare to look next to her, to where Dana was lying – had she woken her? Was this the moment she'd been dreading yesterday?

Glancing over to her left she met two fierce blue eyes as Dana sat up in bed, having woken up with Stella and still being slightly confused about where she was. 'You're okay,' she said on instinct, knowing that Stella had probably had a bad dream. 'Just a dream.' Stella nodded, slightly embarrassed. 'I know, I'm sorry I woke you.' She reached for her dream journal to write down her recollections, and Dana watched with interest. 'What are you doing?' she asked carefully. Stella blinked quietly, not meeting her eyes but jotting down words and phrases on a blank page in her journal. 'Writing down what I can remember. I started doing it as an investigative source years ago, writing down things that came to me in my sleep. Now I can't stop, even though I don't know if I want to remember it all.' She sighed. 'Maybe I should just stop doing it.' 'I think you're doing it for a reason,' Scully said. 'It must be doing something for you to still be using it.' Especially after Spector had her previous diary violated, Stella thought, but she knew Dana had no idea. 'It helps me find some peace,' she said quietly. 'It keeps me grounded.' Scully reached out and touched Stella's shoulder. 'You're right here, and you're okay.' Stella finally looked at her and a faint smile appeared around her lips. 'I know,' she said. 'So are you.' They searched each other's eyes for a few seconds, both processing the feelings that were quietly coursing between them. Stella sat up a little further against the headboard and moved in closer to Scully's body, carefully watching her reaction. Scully's eyes followed her every move and Stella's closeness sent a shiver down her spine. 'Come here,' Stella said as she regarded Scully with the serene intensity Scully had come to recognize. She moved slowly, sitting up and turning so she was facing Stella. Carefully she moved under the blanket to straddle Stella's legs, her hands coming in to gingerly touch Stella's jawline. Stella didn't move, she just let Scully look at her, investigate her. Slowly Scully moved in, robbing a few inches closer to Stella's body before pulling her in for a kiss. Stella's hands landed on Dana's hips, pulling Dana's form into her body as she slowly but confidently kissed her. Scully felt Stella's tongue on her bottom lip before it came to duel with her own, and she released a huff of air she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Stella smiled into the kiss. It gave her the reassurance that it was okay to keep going, as apparently Dana was enjoying this as much as she was. Carefully she let her hands find the hem of Dana's sleep top and play under the rim. She softly skimmed her ribs, causing the muscles underneath Dana's skin to tense. Stella pulled back a little, breaking the intimate dance of their lips to make sure Dana was okay. She didn't know why but she needed to know that this was what she wanted, she didn't want to break their still new friendship and trust by going too far. Right now, this wasn't just about Stella.

Dana felt Stella's hands play on the lines of her ribcage, careful but steady and it sent a tingle all the way up Dana's body until her neck hairs stood on end. It caused a ripple of pleasure to rebound, and like the butterfly effect, the feeling got more intense as it went on. She was momentarily surprised when Stella broke the kiss, her hands still on Dana's skin, but as soon as Scully met Stella's eyes she knew they were far from finished. The unasked question was clearly visible in Stella's eyes, and Dana felt her heart expand and open itself for this woman – this woman who was so loving, giving and trusting towards her, even though Dana had a feeling that was something Stella reserved for a special few. In an attempt to answer Dana clasped Stella's hands in hers, slowly moving them upwards. She was a little nervous, afraid she would be rejected somehow, but as their hands moved Scully's shirt up and over her head all her fears fell to the floor wrapped in the soft fabric of her sleep top. Dana let Stella's hands find their own way back as she felt a little emboldened, kissing the blonde with a fierce answer to the question that was still hanging in the air. 'I'm okay,' she emphasized before pulling Stella closer into her. 'I'm not going anywhere.' Stella pushed herself up a little more, moving her lips down Scully's neck when she had the chance. She momentarily buried her nose in Scully's red hair in an attempt to hide her emotional reaction to the situation, but she was unsuccessful as she felt Scully squeeze her upper arms. They didn't address it further, both accepting it for what it was: An intimate encounter that did something to them. Something they hadn't felt being done to them in a long time.

Stella pulled her own top over her head before moving away from Scully, asking her to switch positions. Scully complied, and Stella threw her leg over Dana's thighs. Dana's hands tentatively started their path up to Stella's bralette, the pale gray color having fascinated her from the moment she laid her eyes on it earlier that evening, before Stella had put on her T-shirt to cover it. Carefully she touched the lace sides and watched as Stella sat perfectly still. Now that she was on top Stella felt a little more in control, although she had to admit that it wasn't as important anymore. She watched in fascination as Dana moved her hands up Stella's sides, around her back, and finally back to cup her breasts. Stella sighed on a smile, cupping Dana's hands to encourage her and show her that she wouldn't break. Dana was intrigued, of course she'd seen hundreds of female bodies in her line of work but to touch one, to touch Stella as freely and intimately as she was doing was something completely out of her frame of reference. She was surprised by the feelings it created in her as a soft weight settled in her tummy; it was a combination of pleasure, anticipation, desire and care. She cared for Stella a great deal already, and somehow this felt precious.

Slowly Dana learned the lines and forms of Stella's body, dropping her lips to the curve of her shoulder before finding a path back up to kiss her. She wanted Stella to touch her as well, but Stella's initial hesitation and careful approach told Dana that she was waiting for an okay. As Dana released Stella, her hands coming to rest on Stella's hips, she laid back against the headboard. 'Take it off,' she whispered, indicating her bra with a slight nod down to where Stella's eyes had wandered. Stella smiled and from her superior position she reached out to trace the straps on Scully's shoulders. 'It looks good on you,' Stella complimented Scully's choice of the dark green, lace, non-padded top. It suited her skin hair color incredibly well and Stella thought the color made her eyes sparkle with life even more. 'Thanks,' Scully replied a little shyly. Stella's fingers moved the bra straps down while their eyes never lost contact. Scully shivered at Stella's intentions, her fingers leaving no doubt in Scully's mind as to what Stella was about to do – she had, after all, just asked for it. Stella leaned in close, taking Dana's bottom lip between her own and kissing her fiercely. As their tongues met in between, Dana arched her back towards Stella. It gave her all the access she needed to swiftly but surely draw her hand across Dana's back and flick open her bra in one quick movement. Scully smiled into the kiss as their excitement grew – she was getting a little impatient. Staring at and touching Stella was slowly getting to her, she had been feeling her body react to their contact and she was sure Stella wasn't unfazed as well. The bra dropped away from her and Stella removed it completely, throwing it down next to the bed. Breaking the kiss Scully leaned her head back as she finally felt Stella's small, slightly cold hands on her breasts. Stella caressed the sides of her chest, lightly tracing the outlines of Dana's breasts before circling in to the center. Scully shivered at the light touch, goosebumps erupting on her skin. 'You're being so careful,' she said softly, her voice wavering a little. In response, Stella's eyes sparkled before she dropped her lips to Dana's nipple, her tongue and lips circling and nibbling a little rougher than Dana had expected. She gasped in surprise and raised her hands to tangle in Stella's unruly hair, instinctively holding her close. 'Yes,' she managed, closing her eyes to focus on the feeling. Stella travelled on a wet path to Dana's other breast, feeling herself getting wetter with the noises coming from Dana. 'I want to feel your skin on mine,' she whispered before sitting back, leaving Dana naked before her from the waist up. Stella pulled her bralette over her heard, discarding it to the same fate that had befallen Dana's bra, and looking down at the woman before her she stopped for a second. She followed Scully's eyes, feeling comfortable under her scrutiny and eager to continue their coming together of souls. Without saying a word Dana sat up a little more and closed the distance between them, feeling her breasts press against Stella's. Stella, emboldened by Dana's actions, moved one hand to Dana's cheek while the other slid dangerously close to Dana's inner thigh. Cheek to cheek they stayed while they explored each other's bodies, breathing into each other's hair, Dana feeling and mapping every inch of Stella's ivory skin. Stella was still wearing her pajama bottoms and Dana's fingers quickly found the waistline, but before she could move further Stella stopped her by dipping her own fingers down Scully's thighs. She lightly scratched her nails up the sensitive skin, following an intimate path up to her lower belly. Scully's legs were held together by Stella's, and they shuffled a bit until Stella was sat on her knees over one of Dana's legs, the other standing up bent at the knee. Their eyes met again as a form of confirmation, and Stella saw straight into Dana's soul. 'Yes,' Dana breathed again and Stella kept watching her intently as she slowly moved her fingers into Dana's dark, lace rimmed panties. She watched her muscles tense under the light touch, she watched how Dana's brow furrowed in anticipation and how her eyes fell closed as her head tipped back. Stella took the opportunity to lean in close again, her free hand coming around the base of Dana's neck to pull her close. She kissed up her neck to her hairline, finally coming back to her slightly reddened lips again. Dana's hands found their way to Stella's pajama bottoms again, but Stella stopped her. 'They stay on,' she whispered, and Scully didn't question it. She disregarded the waistband and instead followed the curve of Stella's waist up to her breasts again.

Scully had always liked the feeling of her own breasts. She was happy with them, and she liked touching them. Touching Stella's breasts, however, was something else entirely. She tried to concentrate on the differences, a little heavier, a little firmer – as Stella's hand continued its journey into her panties. Sighing, she gave up on her own expedition and one of her hands came to lie on Stella's. 'Show me what you like,' Stella said softly. Scully grabbed the sheets with her free hand, her feet pushing her body closer to Stella. Stella moved to sit between Scully's legs, giving her better access. She carefully avoided Dana's clit as her fingers explored her outer folds and inner thighs. Dana was wet with anticipation and Stella smiled at the discovery as she slowly started following Dana's lead. Scully directed Stella's fingers, circling where she liked it the most before dipping down into her wetness. 'Oh God,' Scully whispered, and Stella quickly learned what gave her pleasure. Scully gave up on directing Stella – she seemed to be doing a fine job on her own as it was hard to focus on anything but her hand – and grabbed her hair again when she felt Stella's breath close to her navel. Stella explored the skin there with her lips, kissing up to the underside of Scully's breasts as she felt her hands in her hair keeping her close. 'More,' Scully whispered and she felt Stella's teeth on her skin. Nipping, biting, increasing the current running through her veins Stella made little marks all over Dana's alabaster skin. Her hand slowly but surely prepared Dana, spreading her wetness, and when Dana pushed her hips into Stella again she entered her with two fingers. 'Yes,' Dana gasped again, her hand almost painful in Stella's hair. She felt that Stella knew exactly what she was doing as she could already feel the effects of her touch start deep inside her belly. 'Tell me,' Stella asked again, and she watched from below as Scully laid her head back in bliss. 'Just... Right there,' Scully managed as Stella explored her inner walls. Slowly moving in and out was bound to drive Stella crazy and she hoped it would have the same effect on Scully, who was moving more and more with every stroke. 'Faster,' Scully asked almost shyly, and Stella answered by softly biting the skin under her nipple. 'Impatient,' she commented, and Scully moaned. 'You're driving me nuts.' Stella smiled into Scully's skin. 'That's the idea. Enjoy yourself.' Scully decided to give up and give in, let it happen, go with the flow. As she did, Scully felt her relax and tense at the same time – a true tell that she was closer than Stella had thought. Stella moved a little higher, her angle becoming slightly awkward. 'Touch yourself for me,' she whispered into Scully's neck. 'I want to watch you.' Dana whimpered and Stella felt her inner walls clench on her fingers as Scully started circling her clit. 'Faster,' she said again, more urgently this time. Stella withdrew her fingers before sliding a third one through her folds, only to be rewarded with another clench as she entered Dana again. 'Oh God, yes,' Dana whispered and she leaned her head into Stella's shoulder. 'I'm going to…' She didn't finish, and as her hair fell across Stella's skin and her teeth sank into her shoulder Stella felt Dana's orgasm wash over her. She went rigid for a second before ripples and ripples of tension started to ebb through her body. Stella stilled her movements inside of Dana, making sure to keep the pressure for Dana to ride out her orgasm as she watched the woman she had come to care deeply for come apart underneath her hands.

After a few moments, Dana's hand found Stella's, both of them intimately covered by Dana's panties. 'Oh my God,' Scully whispered as her orgasm had subsided. 'You're beautiful,' Stella said quietly. She felt her own arousal tingle in her toes, shivers running up her back just from looking at Scully's gorgeous disarray. Scully ignored the statement and withdrew her hand, pulling Stella to lie down next to her. 'I've never done this before,' she repeated a statement from earlier that night. Stella just regarded her silently, letting Dana make the next move – although she was very ready to feel Dana's fingers inside of her she would also accept another few hours of sleep before that happened. She had a feeling her dreams would be less unpleasant this time. Dana, however, had other ideas. 'The pants stay on?' She asked before moving up on one elbow. Stella nodded. 'For now.' Dana kissed her, a little harder than before, sucking Stella's bottom lip between her own. As she pulled her closer with her free arm she rolled her upper body over Stella's. She bit her lip softly before releasing her again, eager to taste Stella's skin. As Scully moved down a path towards Stella's nipples, the blonde's hands came to Scully's back, her nails undoubtedly leaving marks. Scully traced Stella's nipple with her tongue, remembering what she liked herself – everyone was different, but she'd liked what Stella had done to her, a lot. Beneath her, Stella shivered slightly at the touch, and Dana increased the pressure a little encircling Stella's nipple with her lips. Slowly she journeyed from Stella's right breast across her sternum to the left while her left hand slipped under Stella's waistband. She didn't know why Stella didn't feel comfortable removing her pants – and she didn't care. Everyone has insecurities, she thought, Stella was entitled to hers. As her hands encountered Stella's center for the first time she raised her head to look at Stella's face. Softly, she caressed the shaven skin until she reached the softness of her inner thighs. 'Go on,' Stella encouraged her, one hand coming to lie on Scully's cheek as the other slid into her hair. She spread her legs a little and Scully changed her angle so she had better access. Her lips had travelled up and landed on Stella's neck, close to her pulse and she could feel it beating wildly through their intimate proximity. As her fingers carefully explored Stella's folds she could feel her grip tighten, and Scully reveled in Stella's direct and open responses. 'Slowly,' Stella managed, and Scully complied – dragging her fingers along Stella's most private parts before tentatively dipping in to find her opening. 'Yes,' Stella breathed and her hips pushed up to force the contact. Scully smiled into Stella's neck. 'Now who's impatient?' She heard Stella's chuckle turn into a moan as she chose that exact moment to enter her with one single finger. She'd never experienced this before, and the clenching of Stella's inner muscles felt surprisingly erotic. Scully added a second finger, moving her face back a little to look at Stella who was laying back, her eyes closed. Her hair was fanned out across the pillow and the outside lights were reflecting off her shiny chest, still slightly damp from Scully's lips and tongue. The sight was utterly erotic and Scully wanted to share the moment with the woman underneath her. She withdrew her fingers but kept them slowly circling Stella's clit. 'Open your eyes, Stella, look,' she said and Stella met hers eyes instantly.

Of course there was no way Stella could see exactly what Scully saw, but somehow, in their connection and trough looking into Scully's eyes she saw a truth. Something that touched her deeply and moved both her and Scully to a wordless understanding. 'You're the beautiful one,' Scully said very quietly, almost too quiet to be meant for Stella to hear.

Stella kept her eyes on Dana, focusing on the pleasure running through her. Steadily she moved one hand over Dana's, just like Scully had done before, and directed her to where she wanted her most. 'I need you inside of me,' she said, and Dana thought for a second how it didn't sound strange at all to say that to a woman. More confidently than before she moved her fingers through Stella's folds before circling her clit once more. Stella's hand was already assisting her, moving her wrist at the right pace for her to see stars. Scully felt something she'd never felt before – another woman's inner walls clench and tighten around her fingers, and she knew Stella was close. 'I want to see you come,' she said confidently and resolutely. 'Come on, Stella.' Her fingers pumped in and out at Stella's pace, and soon Stella's hands fell away and a deep breathless moan started from inside Stella's chest. 'Yes,' Dana encouraged her and captured her lips in an intense kiss. Her movement changed her angle slightly and Stella grabbed the back of her head as she felt her orgasm wash over her the instant Scully hit the right spot. 'Oh fuck,' she moaned into Dana's mouth as the waves of pleasure coursed through her from Dana's lips on hers to the tips of her toes curled up on the bed. Dana felt Stella's walls grab her fingers as a rush of warmth and wetness surrounded her. She stayed close to Stella, changing her pace to slow movements as Stella slowly but surely rode out the final waves of her orgasm.

After a few moments Dana's movements stilled and she withdrew from Stella's pajama pants. They didn't say anything for a few minutes, both content to be in each other's presence while trying to accept and not over-analyze what had just happened. Stella knew it had been a long, very long time since she had ever felt this way about anyone – if she'd been falling for Scully before, she was head over heels by now. It scared the shit out of her because she was completely unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the level of intimacy she felt at the moment, but she decided to enjoy it while it lasted – they were in New York, after all. This would not last.

Dana tried to be as in tune with Stella as possible, to enjoy every second as much as she could. Being overly sensitive anyway she felt extra vulnerable right now, but it didn't bother her until she felt Stella slowly trying to distance herself. Not physically, they were still lying next to each other, their hands entwined on Stella's tummy as Dana's lips had landed on Stella's shoulder, but mentally Stella was slowly moving away. 'Don't,' Scully whispered as soon as she identified the feeling. 'Stay right here.' 'We're in New York,' Stella stated sadly. 'This is a dream. I don't need a dream right now.' Scully moved back a little to prop her head up on her elbow, watching Stella intently. 'Didn't you say that's why it was happening?' she questioned. Stella turned to look her in the eye. 'Maybe I was wrong.' 'I don't think so,' Scully said. 'If it's a dream, it's a very real one.' Stella chuckled, remembering something she had said a while ago. 'Tough dreams,' she whispered. Scully didn't comment but came to lie down next to Stella. After a few moments of quiet she rolled away to shuffle out of her panties. 'Is this okay?' Stella nodded. 'Of course.' Scully was now naked in bed next to her and the feeling of warmth was slowly spreading through Stella's limbs again. Why was she fighting this kind of ultimate peace?

Scully pulled the blanket back over them and wanted to turn towards Stella to hold her, or kiss her, but Stella turned away. Throwing back the corner of the blanket she got out of bed and as she turned her back to Scully Stella continued to remove her pajama pants and panties in one movement. Scully watched quietly, feeling that this was important somehow. She didn't look at Stella's legs but kept her eyes on the curve of Stella's spine. Once she was naked Stella walked up to the window and closed the see-through curtains. As she turned back to Scully she was glad to see Scully meeting her eyes instead of watching what she'd been afraid to reveal – the scars that were faint, but visible and tangible and would always be a part of her on her inner thighs. They were from a lifetime ago, but somehow they revealed more than she'd been willing to confront a few minutes ago. She didn't know what had changed – all she knew was that showing Dana didn't seem so unimaginable anymore. Dana kept her eyes on Stella's the entire time, quietly supporting her in what seemed like a big step towards her recovery from the Belfast case. As Stella got back into bed Scully caught a glimpse of Stella's scars – cuts, probably self-inflicted, the doctor in her immediately thought – but she decided to leave that conversation for later. Stella would tell her when she was ready, when she felt strong enough.

Stella pulled the cover back over their bodies and pulled Dana close to kiss her fiercely. 'Thank you,' she whispered softly and Dana smiled at her – a quiet, confident smile Stella recognized from herself. 'Sleep well,' Dana wished before settling next to Stella on the pillows. Stella nodded and found Scully's hand to entwine their fingers again – she had a feeling Dana would keep her grounded for the rest of the night. 'You too,' she said before turning onto her back again.

The only quiet sounds in the room were the sounds of two women breathing, their hearts slowly synchronizing as their brains were trying to process what had just happened. Both of them were aware of it, although neither had addressed it – they hadn't just had sex. It hadn't been elaborate, but it had been good and sweet and intense and everything they had needed to let go of their fears. For Stella it was the fear of normalcy, fear of losing control to a life of dependence, the fear of being lived. For Scully it was a much more specific fear: What did a life without Mulder look like? Did that even exist, was it a possibility? Did she want that to happen? Had she caused it to inevitably happen? Scully had fought half of her life to be with this man, this wonderful man that she'd just betrayed in the worst way possible. There was no way that he deserved this. But did she? What if she deserved this, this unthinkable kind of relationship, this je-ne-sais-quoi form of happiness?

There was no way around it – they were just seeing the tip of the iceberg, just the tiniest part of what would become their relationship if they chose to pursue this. Both knew without a doubt that they were falling deeply, strangely and completely in love with one another although they would deny it if asked about their true feelings. The protective walls that had been surrounding both of them hadn't crumbled exactly, they had just... Moved a little. Extended, to surround both of them, to protect them from the outside world.

New York would keep them safe. For now.


	6. Passing By

_Author's Note: This entire story is based on one piece of music, Yiruma's 'Passing By' (as played by Jeroen van Veen). I'd love to know what you think of the story so far as I'm feeling a little insecure (although I am thoroughly enjoying writing this). Constructive criticism is very welcome._

Courage Is A Woman

"… _You will learn the truth is not found in science or on some unseen plane, but by looking into your own heart, and in that moment you will be blessed, and stricken. For the truest truths are what hold us together, or what keep us painfully, desperately, apart."_

Chapter 6. Passing By

For the second time that night Scully felt Stella slip away and succumb to sleep next to her. This time, however, she was a changed woman – different from before. For the fourth time that night her mind wandered to the man whom she'd fought for, the man she'd still happily die for if it saved him. Something deep inside of her wanted to call him, talk to him, needed his reassurance, but another part of her wanted to stay hidden here in New York for the rest of her life. For the first time tonight she took a moment to think about how she really felt. It was dangerous, and she had to be careful in analyzing her emotions – but in the end she could only conclude that even though it felt strange and new, she felt good. Safe, confident, at ease and protective and as she thought about it she remembered something she'd written long ago.

 _Chance meeting your perfect other, your perfect opposite, your protector, and endangerer. Chance embarking with this other on the greatest of journeys, a search for truths fugitive and imponderable._

She had always believed that there was only the one for her, only that one man who was her perfect opposite and in that, her soulmate. She barely knew Stella, really, but still her mind had chosen this exact moment to remind her of how absolute her feelings already were – while Stella was naked next to her, her soft, small hand lying unconsciously in Dana's. This certainly was an imponderable truth as she was now faced with two loves, one even more unlikely than the other. One even more doomed to fail, although she didn't know which one that would be. Quietly she turned towards Stella and shuffled a little closer, holding their clasped hands up to her lips. The movement caused Stella to sigh deeply and turn her head towards Scully. Sinking into a deep sleep she looked beautiful, Scully thought – one of her blond locks had fallen across her still faintly blushed cheek and her lips were only slightly parted. Scully smiled to herself, softly kissing Stella's hand before closing her eyes. Whatever the future would hold, she had a couple of days left in New York and she owed it to herself to not worry too much right now. Stella had come into her life when she had needed her to, even though it seemed highly problematic – Scully knew she was here for a reason, Mulder had taught her that. Tomorrow would be a fairly normal day for her working at the conference and she hoped it would help her bring things into perspective. Opening one eye she peeked at the alarm clock on Stella's bedside table before lying back down – 02:16, they'd still get some decent sleep – and she closed her eyes for the millionth time that night.

Stella was the first one to open her eyes the next morning. However, in that moment after waking and before full consciousness, she had one thought that would stay with her for the rest of the day – this is perfect. Everything seemed to stop for a second and she had a moment to just revel in the moment, feeling warm, relaxed and happy. As she woke up more she felt Scully's lips against her hand, and looking over to her left she saw their hands – relaxed in sleep, but still together – close to the beautiful redhead's face. Scully's hair looked darker than it had before, fiery and soft, and her face seemed happy and content. Stella took a few seconds to observe her bedpartner, something she never really did – most of the time there was some kind of regret or doubts in her mind that kept her from enjoying this peaceful moment, but not today. There were doubts, of course, but none of them seemed insurmountable and all her questions seemed to have answers here. She felt good, until her mind started to sum up all the reasons why this was bound to fail – Dana Scully was a US agent, living and working here. She was in a relationship, one that had been going on for half her life. This was the first relationship Dana was starting with a woman, and the first new relationship in decades. She herself hadn't had a meaningful relationship of any kind in a long time either. She was on a rebound after a life-altering case, she hadn't even figured out who she was post-Belfast, how was she supposed to be ready for someone else? And still, a voice in the back of her head was carefully and stubbornly optimistic – Dana Scully had caused her to feel something good again. Something precious and full, and Stella knew that that was worth fighting for. If it wasn't meant to be she'd deal with that later, but for now, she still had some time left in New York with Dana and she hoped the circumstances would allow them to make the most of it.

Carefully she disentangled her hand from Dana's, slowly and steadily as not to wake her. Sitting on the bed she remembered taking off her pants yesterday in a leap of faith, but she knew Dana had put two and two together and drawn the right conclusions. Looking at her inner thighs she swallowed – the scars were faint, but the memories of the pain were still fresh and real. Recently she had thought about ways to hurt herself again, to make herself at least feel something – and she'd found her ways, but they hadn't included physical self-harming this time. Maybe, one day, Dana would ask about the story – what would she say? Stella didn't talk about her past much, thinking it should inform the future but not interfere with it. However, maybe, one day, she'd be strong enough to tell Dana why.

Stella walked to the bathroom, grabbing some things from her wardrobe as she went. She had no idea about the time and she didn't really care, she knew the pool would probably be empty and quiet and that's just what she needed right now. She debated having a very quick shower, but she was afraid to wake Dana who was still resting peacefully – she'd shower down by the pool before getting in. As soon as she'd changed into her bathing suit and trackpants, throwing on the same T-shirt she'd worn yesterday evening, she wrote Dana a short note. As she turned to put it on her bedside table Stella spotted the file Dana had brought over yesterday. Something inside her wanted to open it, see what Dana had found out – but she knew there was only darkness waiting for her. For one day, just one day she didn't feel like dealing with that bastard. He didn't deserve her attention and pain. Stella decided then and there that, at least for this trip, Paul Spector would no longer cloud her days. He'd be a memory, but one that was no longer allowed to intervene with her emotions. She was done letting him control her like that.

She grabbed her key card and took one last look at Dana before leaving her to sleep. They would meet again before Dana had to leave, she was certain of it – it was still early and they'd agreed to meet for breakfast. That appointment was, as far as Stella was concerned, still standing. No need to change your breakfast plans just because you made love.

About twenty minutes later, as Stella was coming into a rhythm swimming laps, Dana Scully woke up in the blonde's hotel room bed to a feeling of being alone.

It didn't just have to do with the empty, still slightly warm spot beside her – it was something deeper, something that had settled in her stomach during sleep. Although she felt free, she was too much of a sceptic and realist to just accept the situation. Wishing she could talk to someone about the situation she knew she'd have to suck it up a little longer, at least until she found the right time to talk to Stella or when she gathered the bravery and courage to take it up with Mulder. In all honesty, really, she was alone. These feelings she was having, they were hers alone. She'd vowed to herself to not let anyone else inform her feelings or emotions lately and right this moment she realized how hard that really was – it meant that one's feelings were only truly one's own, and Scully realized that that was fucking scary.

'Stella?' she said questioningly. Scully had a feeling she was alone, but she hadn't heard Stella leave. She wasn't that good a sleeper so she was slightly surprised that she hadn't woken up. Quietly Scully stood from the bed, grabbing a bathrobe from a chair. She looked through the room, around the corner and in the bathroom. It was obvious that Stella had been there, her clothes were folded and put away. As Scully walked back into the main room she spotted something – a piece of paper on the table next to the file she'd brought in yesterday evening. As she picked up, her belly tingled – Stella had really made her feel something yesterday. She found herself hoping the note would be good.

 _Dear Dana, I've gone swimming. Meet for breakfast? - Stella._ And underneath it, scribbled closely together to make it fit on the piece of paper – _Forget about Belfast. We're in New York._

Dana smiled and put the piece of paper back down slowly. She walked over to the window to open the see through curtains and look out across the city. So we are, Dana thought. She just hoped Stella would take her own advice – she hadn't had another nightmare but Dana knew that this case had been incredibly hard on Stella. She was happy with the breakfast invitation, although she hoped it wouldn't be awkward. She had little experience with mornings like these and she knew that one of them would have to open up in order for the other to follow. Scully had always considered herself quite a private person but Stella seemed to be even more so, which meant Scully would have to be the first one to wear her heart on her sleeve and there was no way she was comfortable with that. However maybe, at least for this trip, she could be brave and open herself up a little. It seemed so easy in theory – if things went wrong, if she misinterpreted Stella's feelings or her own, she'd never have to see Stella again because they lived half a planet away from each other. Literally.

Scully decided to head back to her own room and get ready for the day. She had an appointment and a lecture later that day, but for now she could focus on breakfast, and Stella. She gathered her clothes and decided to take the file as well. She considered leaving her number behind but she settled for a note as well, taking the one Stella had written with her. She replaced it with a note of her own, a short one – _Breakfast around 9? Come get me when you're ready. X –_ that would leave Stella around two hours to get ready, and leaving it on the table Scully left for her own room.

Stella came back to an empty hotel room a while later. The water had woken her up, the physical activity having warmed up her muscles and brain for the day. She felt a little calmer than she had this morning, although the unfolding events were still a jigsaw puzzle with pieces thrown all across the floor to her. At least she felt like the pieces were all there, she just needed to find a way to fit them all together. It would take some time and effort but in the end Stella knew there was a possibility of something beautiful and complete, as long as she didn't give up.

The room was unoccupied like she had expected it to be – frankly she hadn't given it that much thought, she always came back to empty hotel rooms. Even the ones that weren't empty when she left them usually were upon her return. This time however had been a deviation, and she only realized it when she stepped through the bathroom door. Dana Scully was gone and she had left a void that felt deeper than just an empty hotel room. Turning back Stella spotted the note on the table where she'd left hers a while ago. Something inside of her was scared to look at it, but she picked it up nonetheless. She glanced at it sideways, recognizing Dana's handwriting from the day before. It was prettier than her scribbling, more sophisticated in a way – the words were written with care and precision which was something she never did. Stella felt a tingly warmth spread through her as she read Dana's words to her, remembering the way they had talked yesterday and last night. They seemed to be so in tune, so understanding of each other without even really knowing each other that it should scare Stella away but it didn't. She would go to Dana's room to get her for breakfast like she'd asked, and they would spend the day doing their own separate things. Maybe they'd see each other, maybe they wouldn't, but Stella knew that neither of them would forget what they had shared. Somehow they would end up here again, together, and Stella was already looking forward to it.

Stella showered quickly, getting the chlorine smell out of her hair before blow-drying it and getting ready for the day. She opted for a skirt this time, because she'd packed a million of them and it seemed like a waste not to wear every single one of them. Pairing a dark brown faux leather skirt with a revere collared blouse, white with a black piping. It was a classic look and she liked the way it looked on her. Deciding to skip on the make-up due to expected high humidity she picked out her heels for the day and started collecting everything she'd need. There was only one lecture she had to attend today but she was planning to attend another one, just because she could – so she made sure she had a spot there before collecting her papers and leaving her room to meet Dana.

Two rooms down Scully had a much less productive morning. She checked her phone as soon as she entered her room, but the pang of disappointment she felt when she saw there were no messages threw her off track. What did she expect? What did she want? It didn't take long for Scully to realize that she really didn't know. What would she have done if Mulder had texted her one, five, twenty times? Would she have been happy, flattered, or annoyed and angry? She felt guilty already, and it was a confusing kind of guilt, but the fact that she had been worried about not answering him while he hadn't even reached out to her confused the heck out of her. It didn't justify anything, obviously – but why did it feel like it did? Scully tried to calm herself with a long shower, the warm water cascading down her body as tears slowly formed in her eyes. As they ran down her cheeks, silent sobs shook her aching body. Happiness, she'd asked herself before, what does that even look like? Was it even a reality? Last night she had thought for a moment that she knew – her connection to Stella, the feelings that they had shared and the unspoken volumes of life experience that they had somehow shared had felt real. She'd felt closer to happiness than she had in a long time, but at the same time there had been a dark undercurrent running through her brain clouding that reality. Right now, alone, in the shower she experienced the full force of those feelings – she didn't regret anything, by no means. But by no means was she happy right now and that scared her maybe more than anything else, for it meant that even though she'd tried to let go, nothing had changed.

However when she heard the knock on her door at exactly 0900 Scully was ready for the day. Her dark gray suit looked expensive, her hair was slightly curly from her shower and her face betrayed nothing of the turmoil raging within her as she opened the door to reveal Stella. 'Good morning,' she stated, and it came off more formal than she'd wanted. 'Come in,' she added softly before stepping aside. Stella noticed how Dana didn't immediately meet her eyes but averted them to look her over before focusing on collecting some papers. 'Hey,' Stella said carefully, stepping in to stop Scully from avoiding her. 'Good morning,' she added just as softly as Dana had before putting a hand on Dana's arm. 'Are you okay?' The concern that Dana heard almost broke her again as she felt it down to her core. She wasn't okay, but it wasn't Stella's fault – if only those words were as easy to say as they were to think. Straightening her shoulders she finally met Stella's eyes. 'Yes,' she said confidently. 'Sorry, I didn't mean to be evasive.' Stella nodded and released her. 'I left you first. I understand.' Dana shook her head softly. 'No, that's not it. I just... I'm struggling with what this means and I don't want to define it.' Stella smiled softly, sitting down on Dana's bed next to the disorganized mess of papers that was still waiting to be put into folders. 'It's us, and we don't need to define it. Either go with the flow or don't.' She didn't mean to be rude but she needed to be frank. 'Let's have breakfast and just enjoy our time in New York, it doesn't need to be more than that right now,' she added as she watched how Dana seemed to accept her statement. 'Okay,' Dana said and Stella stood up from the bed, gathering the papers to hand them to Dana. As she turned towards Dana the redhead stepped a little closer. Stella put out her hands with the papers for Dana to take. 'Here,' she said, but watched with a curious smile how Dana put her hands over Stella's. 'Thanks,' Scully said softly before stepping in and carefully kissing Stella on the lips.

Stella was amazed for a second before she realized what Dana was doing. She dropped the papers, smiling into the kiss as she touched her hands to the sides of Dana's face while the papers snowed down between them. Slowly Dana captured Stella's bottom lip, then her upper, before meeting her tongue to languidly kiss her good morning for a few moments. When she pulled back Dana's hands found hers and clasped them, moving their hands between them. 'That's better,' Stella smiled. 'It is,' Dana agreed before turning towards the door. Grabbing her bag she looked back at Stella. 'Are you coming?' 'What about these?' Stella indicated the mess they'd left on the floor. 'Let's see how discrete housekeeping can be,' Scully challenged. 'Leave them, I don't need them.' Scully knew that there was no sensitive information in the papers, they were just basic medical studies that were also on her laptop in digital form. 'I think I like you going with the flow,' Stella commented quietly as they left Dana's room to head out for breakfast.

Breakfast was nice, Dana thought, having decided on a less indulgent meal than the day before. However the bread was deliciously toasted, the spread fresh and filling, the sides healthy and the company the best she'd ever had. Stella told her about the day she had planned, which lectures she was going to attend and that she'd signed up to see Scully's for the second time. Scully had listened and commented here and there, but mostly she'd been focusing on the moment – focusing on trying to stop running and start seeing what was right in front of her. That didn't necessarily just mean Stella, it encompassed the entire situation she found herself in. She listened to Stella's voice telling her that she was looking forward to hearing her talk, and she found that she needed someone to tell her they had that confidence in her like Stella did. She needed to hear it confirmed, even though she'd lectured a thousand times before, it was still nice to hear someone say they knew she was going to do well. With Mulder, she knew he appreciated her and believed in her but sometimes it felt like she was being taken for granted, and it was hard to live up to expectations that seemed to be sky high and growing.

After breakfast they went their separate ways, Stella wanting to attend a morning meeting at the conference while Scully had the morning off until her talk around lunch. They felt comfortable not arranging a specific meeting after exchanging numbers, both women feeling like they would meet again anyway. Stella was silently grateful to Dana for asking her for her phone number, because somehow she didn't feel brave enough to ask herself. It was something she rarely did. Most of the time she gave away her number because someone asked, but this was the first time she'd thought about asking someone – she had even considered leaving her number that morning. The card she'd received at Scully's lecture had only provided basic information and an email address, something Stella didn't feel like using. So when Dana asked if she had a US number or not she smiled and gladly gave her information to the redhead beside her. 'I'll see you around,' she said gently before accepting Scully's embrace. Stella sighed into Dana's shoulder before releasing her. 'Good luck with your lecture, you'll do great,' she added before turning and walking away in the direction of the subway station. Dana crossed her arms in front of her as she watched Stella leave.

A few hours later Scully stepped on stage in another packed conference hall. She hadn't intended on looking for Stella in the crowd, thinking it might add pressure to her doing well, but she found herself scanning the group anyway. As she made her way to the small table in the middle she introduced herself when the applause died down. She knew the subject matter through and through and she'd changed a few slides in her presentation so there would be something new for her to play off of as well, and overall she was confident she'd do okay. However, such a large group of people who were all experts in one way or another still had the ability to get under her skin, and as she started speaking she felt a nervous energy run through her limbs.

When, around the third slide, someone raised their hand to ask a question Scully looked over and in the movement spotted Stella. A slight blush crept onto her cheeks and she was grateful for the light make-up she'd decided to put on, knowing it covered most of her reddening face. She answered the question and thanked the woman for asking. Continuing to slide 4 she made eye contact with Stella, finding her quiet focus and attentive energy easy to work off of. She quickly found that Stella was a good focus point for whenever she was about to get lost.

Around thirty minutes into the talk she found Stella's eyes again and was met with a smile that she wouldn't forget any time soon.

Stella had been sitting quietly, watching as Dana took the stage she was clearly comfortable being on. Her voice betrayed nothing if she was even at all nervous and her stance was confident and powerful, yet she remained candid and approachable. After a few minutes Stella gave up on taking notes – she'd much rather focus on listening and regarding Dana on stage. There was much she could learn from that alone.

When Dana made eye contact with her, Stella didn't miss the tiniest hint of recognition that showed in the corner of Dana's mouth. After that initial moment she tried to look as reassuring and comforting as she could every time Dana met her eyes. She wanted to be an anchor, knowing that sometimes an anchor in a crowd like this was a life-saver to have – whenever she had to talk in front of large groups she tried to find a friendly face to draw power from. However, Dana seemed to have everything perfectly under control. Completely in awe of her strength and natural grace Stella couldn't help but sit back and allow herself to fully come into the moment. A soft smile came to play on her lips and it stayed there, born out of a sense of empowerment and pride and something she didn't yet dare to name. When Dana met her eyes again, Stella felt something change between them. It was palpable – to the both of them, it seemed, as Dana held her eyes just a second longer than before. Stella let herself break into the dazzling smile that had been building up within her, and she felt utterly touched when the smile transferred onto Dana's face to stay there for a few minutes until the subject matter turned more serious again.

After Dana's lecture, unlike the previous one, a group formed around the stage with people who had more personal or detailed questions. Scully moved down to talk to the gathering group, but she spotted Stella in the back of the auditorium. Stella decided she'd leave Dana to it – she had no place in that group and she didn't want to put pressure on Dana to wrap things up quickly. Stella smiled at her when Scully looked over before turning away and exiting the room. She found Dana's number and quickly sent her a message before going to find the restroom.

As Scully walked over to the table to gather a handout for someone she spotted Stella's message. She'd seen her leave and it had caused mixed feelings, but the idea that they would meet again was still strong within her. She opened the message, slightly anxious. As she walked back over she stopped for a second to read – _You were amazing. Congratulations. X Stella._ Quietly, Scully exhaled deeply, releasing some of the tension in her body. It hadn't been a tough crowd, but she decided to take the compliment as it was handed to her – she was proud of herself.

Later that afternoon, Scully found herself wandering around New York.

'Are you following me?' An amused, familiar voice came from behind her. Scully turned, a smile around her lips – she knew who would be waiting for her while she turned. 'What if I am?' she retorted. 'I'm with the FBI, I can follow people.' 'You were,' Stella said, stepping towards her with a smile around her lips. 'I honestly don't think you're allowed.' Scully shrugged. 'From where I'm standing, it's you who's following me,' she said smiling. She could see Stella hesitate for a moment, they were in the middle of Madison Square Park nonetheless- but she decided to not give a fuck as Stella would say. Carefully she stepped closer to Stella, who saw the decision in Scully's eyes the second she made it – and they met in the middle, their lips sealing together for a kiss that reaffirmed their unspoken of connection. As they parted Stella took Scully's hand and led her to the coffee cart that stood on the corner. 'Do you want something?' Scully nodded. 'Coffee, thanks.' The man gave them two big cups of coffee and they thanked him, taking off towards a bench in the park. They sat beside each other, opposite a fountain with the Flatiron building just visible through the coloring trees. 'So, how was your day?' Scully inquired, she hadn't seen Stella after the lecture, but she knew she'd attended other ones before and after Scully's. 'It certainly was interesting,' Stella said contemplatively. 'But I have to say that your lecture was the most insightful.' Dana didn't miss the double meaning that obviously fitted that statement – it had been interesting on many levels. 'That's because it was directly pertaining to your case,' Scully defended the convention, ignoring the personal aspect. Stella leaned her head to the side, deciding to let Dana get away with her deflection. 'Maybe. Anyway, you're done now, aren't you?' Scully laughed. 'How do you even know that?' 'I have my sources,' Stella grinned. 'When are you going back home?'

There it was, the question they had both been dreading. Stella hadn't meant to ask – it had just kind of slipped out, but she wasn't unhappy that it had. They could both use some clarity right now. 'I don't know,' Scully said. 'I'll be here tomorrow, and then I think I have to go. You'll be here for another few days, right?' Stella looked at her, a sad smile on her face. 'How do you even know that?' she repeated Scully's question. Dropping her eyes she sighed. 'Don't answer that. Yes, I've decided to take a few days off and stay here. It's always been a comforting place for me.' Scully touched the hand that was holding Stella's coffee. 'New York suits you,' she said softly. She'd had that thought before – Even though Stella was clearly not a local it was obvious that she was at home here. She didn't seem to be intimidated by the city, just intrigued and curious about the possibilities and the opportunities that this place held. Stella chuckled at Scully's comment. 'It suits us, you mean,' she said. Scully let the comment rest between them for a moment before releasing Stella's hand. Looking at the park before them a wave of sadness quietly washed over her as she was once again reminded of where they were. Pocket universe. 'Because of New York there is an us,' she said quietly. Stella sighed. 'What does that mean to you?' She was curious to know, since she was having trouble defining it herself. She'd tried to make sense of her thoughts while swimming this morning, and a good portion of the lectures she'd attended had been spent thinking about what she had with Dana Scully. In the end, she just didn't know, or she was too afraid to put a label on it.

Dana looked at Stella for a moment while contemplating her answer. 'Do you want to know my honest answer?' she asked. 'I do,' Stella said confidently because she didn't just _want_ honesty, she needed it.

Scully knew what she wanted to say. She'd thought about it a lot throughout the night and day – she'd expected the question to come up some time today, especially after the day's events. Scully sighed and put her coffee cup on the bench next to her before shifting a little to face Stella. 'I know you don't do relationships. And I don't know if that would even be something either of us wants. Also, you know that I'm with someone.' Stella breathed in slowly, guarding herself from everything Scully was saying. She knew it all to be true, but her brain and her heart were, for the first time since forever, in complete disagreement on what she wanted Dana to say next.

'Go on,' she encouraged when Scully stopped for a moment to gather her thoughts. Dana shook her head softly. 'This isn't going anywhere. You live in the UK, we don't know each other. But I felt something yesterday. And I felt something last night. I don't know what that means but I won't give up on it this easily.' As she was talking the answer to her own questions formed in her brain. 'I'd like to at least stay in touch when I go home. I don't want to lose you as a friend.'

Stella felt touched at Scully's openness and her ability to put into words what she was feeling. It might hurt, and it might not feel comfortable, but it was the truth. She nodded and sat back on the bench. 'You're probably right,' she answered. 'We met by chance, maybe we're both just passing by. That doesn't mean it can't be something beautiful while it lasts.' Scully sighed. 'Aren't those things the hardest to get over?' Stella nodded sadly. 'I think they probably are.'

They sat silently for a little while, both lost in their own world of thought while they drank their coffee. The sun was slowly turning, casting dark shadows across the park and, after a while, bathing the bench in full sunlight. Stella glanced over at Scully, amazed by the colors playing in Dana's hair. Tenderness washed over her like a blanket and she felt like she had to say something, even though it might sound redundant and lame. 'I feel protective of you for some reason,' she broke the silence. Dana looked at her, meeting Stella's eyes. 'I can fight my own battles,' she said in no particular tone of voice. But she recognized the feeling, had seen it in Stella's eyes but had also felt it herself. 'Oh, I know,' Stella answered. 'I'm not trying to be condescending.' Dana smiled a little. 'I know. And I know what you mean. I've felt it, too. I think it's a big part of why I came to you yesterday.' 'I'm glad you did,' Stella said. 'Me too,' Scully answered as she finished her coffee. 'It doesn't have to be just one night,' Stella added softly as she glanced at Dana. 'We can allow ourselves to have this.' Scully sighed. 'I'm already allowing myself to have so much. I don't know how much more I can take.' 'You don't know unless you try,' Stella said. 'Just thinking about it won't make it happen. It's the action that will make it real.' 'I know,' Scully answered. 'I don't know if I want it to be real.' Stella nodded. 'Okay.'

After a few moments she moved to get up. 'I'm going to go now, but I'll be in the hotel bar before dinner around 1800. If you want to, you can meet me there and we'll talk about this. If you decide you don't want to explore this we'll just be two friends meeting for dinner.' Dana nodded. 'I'm sorry that I'm complicating things.' 'Don't be, you're not,' Stella said, reaching her hand out to touch Dana's. 'There is nothing wrong with being careful with ones emotions. We're forced to live as robots most of the time, so much so that we tend to forget to listen to our hearts. We're taught that showing emotion is a weakness while it's quite the opposite. It's commendable and brave that you're willing to open up like this.' She smiled softly. 'I also felt something,' Stella added soflty. Dana saw the truth and vulnerability in Stella's eyes and she felt the emotional effort behind Stella's statement. 'I'll see you later,' Dana almost whispered and Stella nodded before letting go of Dana's hand and, after gracefully standing up and gathering both their empty cups, walking away.

Scully already knew what her decision was. She wanted to spend the night holding Stella again. She just wished she hadn't planted a seed of her own destruction by opening up so much. Not necessarily to Stella, but mainly to herself – giving in to her honest and raw feelings was dangerous, there was so much still barely hidden and close to the surface that she wasn't ready to face. However, the prospect of going home seemed a little less daunting now that she had at least told Stella what she wanted – even if she wasn't completely sure what that was herself.


	7. The Ocean

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 7. The Ocean

After their conversation in Madison Square Park Stella headed back to the hotel which was within walking distance. She wanted to try and figure out the situation – she knew what she was feeling, and she knew how it was developing, but quietly she feared that development. To love someone, to admit to loving someone and to open yourself up was the most daunting thing she could think of. There was a lot about her past that she wasn't proud of, a lot of traits and choices that she knew would come up one time or another that would undoubtedly drive a wedge between herself and the person she had fallen in love with. Stella was no stranger to love – she knew it intimately and she was familiar with all its costs. Quick to love and trust, young Stella had been known to make life altering choices based on pleasing a boy or a man. Her female relationships had been gentler, but also unsuccessful. However, growing up and finding out that sometimes she was automatically expected to change because of the mere fact that she was female she'd made the conscious choice to stop. To stop falling in love, to stop making love. To just stop love altogether. It had worked out for a while, and she'd been happy – happy with the person she was becoming, happy with the person she put out to the world. She had sex, she fucked, but she didn't make love. She dated, she had fun, but she didn't fall in love. She said no and ended things, but she wasn't rejected. She watched and saw possibilities, but she didn't engage. There was an invisible line that she had become very careful not to cross.

Then, Dana had come along.

Dana hadn't necessarily changed everything, but she'd shifted the balance, pushed that line. It had been a while since Stella had felt the emotional attraction that Dana had caused within her, that pull that went far beyond the physical. Stella had thought she was impervious to those feelings by now, but Dana had proved her wrong without even trying.

Stella knew the feeling. She knew it as love.

It was dangerous and problematic, unexpected and completely unplanned. It had happened when she was distracted, her guard had been down and, innocently, Dana had pried open the gate that had been closed around Stella's heart.

She wanted to take the time between now and her promise to Dana at 18:00 to try and decide what she really wanted and, more importantly, how to put it into words without compromising her sense of safety.

Entering her hotel room she dropped her key card and bag onto a chair before dropping down on the bed. Sighing deeply she sat with her head in her hands – only a few hours ago she'd been fucking the bartender in this bed, and between then and now she felt like she was a different person. Dana had been right when she'd told Stella a relationship was virtually impossible, but Stella had been unprepared for the disappointment she'd felt at the finality of that statement. She had adopted the idea long ago that when faced with two choices, one should toss a coin. Not to find out what to do by whichever side ended facing up, but by following ones gut instinct – subconsciously the choice is made when the coin is in the air. In the short time that is provided by a coin toss your heart will know what you want the most. There is no such thing as true indecision.

Stella smiled to herself, almost laughing at the situation – like she was going to decide a relationship with a coin toss. Anyway, the road was already clear to her – if there was any way to stay in touch with Dana she would love to do so and discover more and more about the possibilities. The only thing she was scared of was being left behind once Dana was happily back at home with her boyfriend. But as soon as that thought entered her mind she knew that the reward would outweigh the risk – she'd always have a good friend in Dana Scully. Friendships with people she had had sex with weren't uncommon to Stella and she'd found them to be either strong and intimate or non-existent at all, so she felt confident this would be the first of those two.

Stella wrote down some words, much like she would jot down a dream – it helped her put things into perspective. Often, her fleeting thoughts were the most valuable. _What did you feel?_ She wrote. _Interpretation. Sex? Physical or emotional?_ Then, a thought occurred to her. _Can you stay?_ She wrote, a few blank lines between that and the other words. It felt dangerous even to write it down but she did it anyway – it would make it easier to say.

Breathing in and out slowly she decided to take a shower and change before heading down, she still had an hour and a half but she thought it would help her relax. Stella undressed in a methodical fashion, folding her clothes as she remembered to order dry cleaning service later on. She put her hair up in a messy bun in an attempt to keep it dry. Stepping under the hot current she let the water cascade down her body, watching as the ripples made their way down her arms, breasts, across the slight curve of her tummy and hips and down her legs. She took good care of her body and she knew she as in good shape, but it had been a while since she had actually looked at herself as something other than just a body. She'd been fascinated by Dana earlier, the interest she had shown in exploring Stella's body, the curves and dips she had seemed to be enchanted by. Stella loved that, such an uninhibited and open road of discovery, and she thought how she didn't do enough discovering herself. Often, but more so recently, she had found herself just going through the motions without actually appreciating herself or the other during sex. She'd seen so much in the line of duty, heard so many statements and stories that somehow the magic of the human body had been lost to her. That, combined with her commitment to not fall in love had caused her to see sex as a basic physical need instead of something magical, no matter how hard she tried (even though often she didn't try at all). A true connection, like she had felt with Dana, had never been a priority – she'd even actively prevented it from time to time. Talking to Dana and her experience from last night however had taught her that Dana Scully was entirely her opposite, and even though that should caution her and make her tread lightly around Dana but it hadn't. Stella was very aware of the fact that they had an intimate connection that couldn't be denied, but that hadn't been named either. She hoped Dana would be brave enough to bring it up again tonight, for she knew she herself lacked the strength to do so. If the object of her recent conundrum could open up about her true feelings Stella knew that, even if it would be the most uncomfortable and compromising thing she would ever do, she would be able to tell Dana that she had fallen for her.

As that thought formed and came full circle in Stella's mind, tears formed in her eyes. As the first one trickled down her cheek, getting caught in the current that was still pouring down on her, she allowed herself to release all of the nervous energy that she'd been holding in. Tears came quietly, any sounds and sobs absorbed by the gentle splashes of the water and the beating of her heart.

After Stella had left Dana found herself unusually calm. There was no decision to be made – Even if she was presented with two choices, there was only one road she was going to take and, for the moment, she didn't feel bad about it. She watched Stella walk away and disappear between traffic on Fifth Avenue, her head slightly bent. What they were doing was probably dangerous, most likely going to cause either one or both of them pain and it was definitely stupid but it didn't feel wrong. Something that came so naturally and felt so right couldn't be wrong, Scully thought.

Before long she stood up as well, straightening her clothes before taking off through the park towards the hotel. She was grateful for the alone-time that Stella had given her, needing some time alone to change her pace. The business part of her trip had been successfully completed and she had to change gears to make sure she fully enjoyed her last day in New York tomorrow. She did not yet allow herself to start thinking about her trip back home because even thinking about planning it made her throat constrict with the mixed feelings that came up. It was her home, and it meant safety – but what if it was time to shift into something more thrilling? Not that Stella was just an adrenaline rush – there was a certain sense of pride that came after being with Stella and seeing her do something, anything, knowing the way they felt about each other. But did she? Did she truly know how Stella felt about her? Did Stella know how Dana felt? Scully had seen an undeniable truth in Stella's eyes, and she was sure she had betrayed some of that same emotion herself, but they had yet to say it to each other. That was a line they hadn't yet dared to cross, both of them feeling slightly out of their depth and insecure about their own ability to love and maintain a relationship. Dana vowed to herself that if Stella ended up in her arms tonight, she would gather the courage to tell her she was falling in love with her. She had been desperately trying to keep the feeling at bay, or at least to keep it from taking over, but to no avail – that ship had sailed the second they had started talking. However, she also knew that there was still a possibility that she wouldn't see much of Stella again after this trip was over, and she felt like she owed it to Stella and to herself to be honest about her feelings. It most likely wouldn't matter because they would part in a few days and go back to their old lives, but that was probably the main reason why Scully wanted to have said it at least once.

As she exited the park onto Fifth Avenue Scully stopped for a second, sighing deeply while taking in the sights around her. Looking to her left the famous Flatiron building was being illuminated by the warm evening sun, casting a shadow across the pavement and people down in front of it. In front of her there was a terrace that had become quite busy, New Yorkers and tourists coming together in this magical place. Taking off uptown towards her hotel Scully felt her insides tingle as she saw the Empire State Building stand proud between the concrete surrounding it – she was glad she still felt this way about things. A while ago she'd felt numb, never particularly happy or sad and it had bothered her a lot because she wanted to be passionate, wanted to be brave and it felt like that had gone. However, this trip had shown her that she still had that ability to be enticed and inspired by something as mundane as a city. Every corner she turned she saw something spectacular, it seemed. Scully took her phone out to take a few pictures of the incredulous sights around her. As she opened it she saw a message from Stella.

 _I don't want to change who you are. Take your time._

Dana felt her heart clench with an unexpected sadness and a wistful feeling clouded her good mood for a few seconds. They were going to have to part in a little over a day, she didn't have the luxury of time. Stella knew this and Scully wondered if she was just trying to save herself from inevitable pain and rejection. Vowing to herself to be in the hotel bar at exactly 6PM looking stunning she put her phone away and continued towards the hotel.

Stella had spent the rest of her time to try and relax and get ready for the evening. She knew Dana would be in the bar, but she had doubts about the outcome of their evening. She had texted her earlier but gotten no reply, and even though the text hadn't necessarily needed an answer it had been slightly unnerving to not hear something from Dana after their conversation in the park. There was a quiet storm surrounding them both, Stella felt – a combination of turbulent emotions, bad timing and unexpected attraction that was dangerous but impossible to get away from. It felt fragile but alluring and Stella thought back to when she had first felt this way. She might have to tell Dana about it – it had been her first relationship with a woman, many years ago, and it had been breathtaking and sweet but it had hurt deeply in the end. That was probably why she recognized this as a turning point in her life, she had not allowed anyone to hurt her like that after the pain had almost broken her back then. Something in Dana made Stella yearn for that deep connection, though – it made her strong enough to risk that pain. Yes, she would curse herself if it ended up going south, but what was she going to do? Live the rest of her life like this, fucking around for her own enjoyment without ever actually feeling fulfilled? Sharing her life with no one, not loving another human being with her whole heart like she knew she could? That was the future she'd chosen for herself half a lifetime ago but right now she couldn't fathom why she'd never want to change.

Stepping in front of her mirror Stella smiled at what she saw – she was most definitely dressed to impress. Her choice of clothing was unexpected, even to her, but looking at herself she knew it was the right thing to wear. She'd only brought one pair of shorts – a taupe colored short with a ribbon at the front that fit her perfectly. She never wore them, but she was glad because now she could wear them on special occasions and they would always remind her of today. She'd opted for a simple, short sleeved, cream dress shirt on top which she buttoned up almost all the way to balance out the skin shown by her shorts. Picking shoes wasn't as hard as it would have been at home, and with the limited choice she had gladly opted for her maroon pumps once again. Looking herself over one last time before heading down she hoped Dana would be impressed – although she knew Dana wouldn't care if she showed up wearing pajamas.

Sitting in the bar was every bit as nerve-wrecking as Stella had promised herself it wouldn't be. She knew with certainty Dana would be there but that still meant nothing was resolved – one thing they did not have was the luxury of time. As she looked around she didn't spot Dana anywhere, but she hadn't expected to – she was a little early, after all. Her mind quickly went through her options – She could do what she always did or try and break the stalemate. That inevitably meant talking about her feelings, something she dreaded but wanted at the same time.

After a few minutes Stella felt the hairs on her neck stand on end. On instinct she turned around to face Dana who was just entering the bar, clearly looking for her. It was exactly 1800, of course, and Stella smiled a warm welcome as relief flooded her entire body. The look on Dana's face told her a story already, and it told her that she needn't worry. She was wearing a soft and open expression, one that showed she'd been doing some thinking as well. Whatever it was that would be their future Stella knew that they'd always be in each other's hearts.

Stella also noticed that she hadn't been the only one to dress for the occasion. Dana looked stunning, her fiery hair loosely curled around her shoulders, just touching the top of the midnight blue blouse that flattered her figure immensely. The black skirt she wore fit perfectly to complete a classy and yet inviting look. Stella smiled as their eyes met, indicating Dana to join her. She watched as Dana's eyes lit up and she walked towards where Stella was sitting, her walk indicating her intentions but also betraying her insecurities. Stella saw right through it because she recognized it all too well, that feigned shield of strength that was supposed to shield her from caring too much but that always ended up crumbling when she saw Dana. As Dana walked towards her she witnessed the exact same thing happening to her – Dana's expression went from confident to soft and vulnerable in the few steps it took her to reach Stella. 'Hey,' she said softly as a greeting. 'Hello,' Stella answered. 'I was hoping you would be here.'

'Technically you invited me, the choices you presented me with always included us meeting for dinner,' Dana said. Stella smiled. 'I digress. Still, it's good to see you. You look amazing.' Dana smiled, secretly glad she could stop herself from blushing this time. 'I was about to say the same thing.' Stella nodded in acknowledgement. 'So, dinner?' Dana nodded. 'Yeah, let's eat. And we do need to talk, Stella.' Stella nodded. 'I know.' They picked a place by the window, Stella sitting on the red velvety couch across from Dana, who took the chair. As Dana settled, she sighed, and the sigh sounded so emotionally loaded and surfaced so much for Stella that she instinctively reached for her hand.

As Stella scanned the restaurant looking for someone to take their order her eyes met those of the handsome bartender that had shared her bed not too long ago. With her hand still resting on Dana's she didn't care if he saw and what he thought, but his reaction interested her nonetheless.

Nick smiled emotionlessly at her from across the bar, his gaze going from her eyes down to her hand and back. He knew. Stella locked eyes with him as a sign of recognition and the corner of her mouth curved up in acceptance before turning back to Dana. This was enough.

They ordered a light dinner, neither of them feeling really hungry. The Italian restaurant was a part of the hotel and it offered a large variety of courses, so there was plenty to choose from – which was a good thing, because it gave both of them a minute to arrange their thoughts as they pretended to look over the menu.

About an hour later they were wrapped up in light conversation, talking about nothing in particular – mostly avoiding sensitive subjects, actually, and both were aware of it. As she sipped her wine Scully was the first to address the obvious. 'I told you earlier that I didn't know if I wanted us to be real. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings when I said that, I realize it's a little harsh,' she started. She didn't miss how Stella's shoulders fell just a little, indicating she had an idea where this was going. 'I know I walked away after you said that,' Stella said. 'But I didn't leave you alone.' Scully pondered her statement for a moment. 'You actually gave me time to think, and I needed it,' she answered. 'However the decision about tonight was made long before that.'

'Oh?' Stella smiled, the slight blush in Dana's cheeks inviting her to tease a little. 'Care to tell me what you've decided?' Scully tried and failed to hide her smile. 'I can't predict the future,' she started, 'But I do know that if you'll let me, I'd like to spend the night in your arms again.' It was so honest and true that it felt very, very dangerous and unsafe to say, but at the same time Scully knew she needed to say it. Stella's teasing smile fell from her face and all that was left was love, wonder and appreciation. It touched Dana so deeply that tears formed in her eyes. 'What?' she asked when Stella didn't reply immediately. 'You keep surprising me,' Stella said softly. 'It's so hard to be honest about ones emotions, but you do it beautifully.' 'It's just because I feel like this is important,' Dana answered. 'You are important.' Stella shook her head quietly. 'I'm glad to know you, Dana,' she said.

Their conversation quieted down after that as they both just enjoyed each other's company, although a heavy sadness accompanied them as well. Slowly but surely Dana's words were sinking in with Stella, and they both knew what they were working towards. Stella, however, felt Dana's slight insecurity about the whole situation and tried to reassure her. After a while Dana seemed like she was ready to get out of the bar, needing a little more privacy. 'Join me for a walk?' Stella invited her, and the surprise in Dana's eyes was expected but it pleased her nonetheless. 'Of course,' Scully answered, and together they left the hotel to wander along the streets of New York again. It was quieter than before, but the sounds of the city gave them the intimacy and togetherness that they had been craving whilst allowing them to not feel trapped or pressured like their hotel rooms might have done. 'I just love this city,' Stella wondered aloud. 'I wish I lived here.' 'I could see that,' Dana answered, linking her arm through Stella's. This was good, Scully thought, she needed the time with Stella to prove and to solidify her feelings. Stella's arm was her anchor and the street was their ocean as they glided through the waves of people and traffic covering New York. After a few minutes Stella realized she didn't really know where she was going. 'I don't admit this very often,' she whispered to Scully, 'But I think I'm lost.' Scully pulled her in a little closer. 'Literally or figuratively?' she asked. Stella smiled and leaned her head towards Scully, taking a turn even though she didn't know where it would lead. 'Literally,' she answered. 'Figuratively I think I've just begun to find myself.'

The words rang so true with Scully that she stopped for a second. She didn't say anything, but instead softly pushed Stella against the wall of a building before raising her hands to touch Stella's cheeks. She kissed her so softly that it was a harsh contrast to the turbulence in her heart, but it was the only way she knew how to express her feelings. Stella resisted for a second, grabbing Dana's arms surprised by her sudden action. Within moments however she reacted to the kiss, her hands travelling up and back down Dana's arms. 'There you go again,' Stella whispered as they broke their intimate touch. 'What?' Dana asked. 'You are such a contradiction that I can't predict what you'll do next. And it's magnificent,' Stella answered. 'Please don't ever change.' It was the second time she'd said that, and each time she meant it more. 'I won't,' Dana reassured her. 'It's who I am. It's gotten me in trouble before, but I don't want to change.'

They broke their soft embrace and continued down the street, both of them slowly finding their way.

About an hour later they were back in the hotel lobby, having roamed the energy-filled streets of Manhattan until they found a familiar spot. Stella had promised Dana she could sleep in her bed again, but neither had really specified how they wanted that to happen. However, Stella knew what she wanted and she knew what she needed. Quietly she laid her hand on Dana's wrist as they made their way upstairs. It wasn't a demanding touch, but it was the guidance that Dana badly needed. She didn't know if she would have been brave enough to repeat her request to Stella, so Scully was infinitely grateful for the light pressure guiding her towards Stella's room instead of hers. It felt like her own spirit was guiding them, and Stella seemed to have less problems listening to it than she did herself. As they entered Stella's room Dana immediately walked over to the impressive window. The view was still breathtaking, like it was from her side of the hotel, and she was sure she would miss it badly once she left New York. When after a few moments Stella joined her, standing behind Scully overlooking the city, Scully caught sight of their reflection in the glass. 'Look at us,' she whispered. 'What are we doing?'

'It doesn't matter now,' Stella answered sincerely. Her hands travelled up Scully's sides to the buttons on her blouse. Meeting Dana's eyes in the colorful mirror that was New York she started to slowly undo them, one by one, pulling the blouse from Dana's skirt. Scully didn't interrupt Stella, nor did she break eye contact – from the corner of her eye she could see Stella exposing more and more of her creamy skin, and it was magical. She felt Stella's fingertips play along her skin, opening her blouse, softly pushing her hair over her shoulders. When Stella finally dropped her eyes to place a kiss on the curve of Dana's neck Scully turned around and returned the kiss, while quietly pulling Stella as close as possible. 'I need you close,' she whispered. 'I need to feel that this is real.' 'It is,' Stella whispered into her mouth. 'It's almost too real.' Dana nodded with the truth she felt in Stella's statement while her hands met Stella's between them. Stella redirected Dana's wrists to her sides, taking back a little bit of the control that she felt she needed. Breaking the kiss Scully stepped back, pushing the blouse off her shoulders. 'Let me,' she almost demanded of Stella to allow her to unbutton her shirt. Stella regarded her intensely while busying her hands with Dana's skirt and bra. Stella allowed Dana to undo and remove her top and shorts, but she stopped her at her underwear. Turning Dana around again to face the window she put her chin back in the spot she had kissed before, their similar height making the curve of Dana's shoulder perfect for Stella to nestle in. Somehow Stella had managed to undo Dana's bra in the process and she quickly removed it, burying her lips in Dana's neck and hair while her hands snaked around to cover her breasts. Dana had been observing Stella, watching her every move, but now she was focused on their image in the window. Someone might see them, she thought for a second – then again, who gave a shit, really. She had far more important things to focus on right now, with Stella's hands softly kneading her breasts. 'I want to feel your skin on me,' Stella whispered, and Dana thought she'd never heard anyone say that out loud before. She'd thought it multiple times, loving the feeling of skin to skin contact in situations like this, but she had never openly said it. Stella amazed her as much as she did Stella, Dana realized.

Without turning she reached back and ungracefully motioned for Stella to take off her bra. Stella smirked but complied and Scully pulled her close as soon as Stella came back to her. 'Hold me,' she said quietly, and the cloud of darkness that had been following them came down to hang around them again. Scully hadn't meant to bring down the mood, but she felt it happening. Stella pulled her close, so close, Dana thought she'd never been this close to someone before. She felt Stella release a sigh that came from deep within and ended in a shudder, her arms moving to try to encompass more of Dana's body. 'I love this,' Stella whispered. Dana nodded and moved in their embrace, pressing her lips in Stella's hair as soon as she was able to. They held each other for a few moments before Stella grasped Scully's hand. 'Come here,' she said, indicating for Dana to sit on the table to the side of her window. Dana sat down, her legs spread a little and immediately she knew why Stella wanted her here – it was the perfect height for them to be as close as humanly possible. Stella kicked off her remaining clothes before stepping in and Scully wrapped her naked legs around her, pulling her in as close as she could get. Stella was a little bit lower now, and Scully had to bend down a little to kiss her. When she did she felt Stella reach upwards as far as she could, grasping the back of Scully's neck and pulling her down.

Their kiss was heated and emotional, and Scully felt tears rise in her eyes but she pushed them away with everything she had. She didn't want to break the moment like she had before, so she focused on Stella and her fingers curled in Stella's hair. Stella's hands moved from her neck to her face, caressing her cheeks before moving down to touch every last part of Dana .

They didn't speak out loud, but between them much was spoken through their touch. It wasn't about sex, it was about love this time and both of them knew exactly what was happening. Their hands explored each other completely, and both of them were set on being as open as possible. It was almost desperate, the intensity with which they seemed to want to feel each other's presence, but it was sweet and gentle as well. Their eyes met from time to time, when they weren't mesmerized by a curve or a sigh, and each time one of them had to break their eye contact because of its meaning. The air around them was peaceful, and Stella had a fleeting thought that she'd never experienced something like this – which was a rare realization while holding a naked body in her arms.

Dana's hands couldn't reach far enough down to touch Stella where she wanted but Stella didn't seem to care, busying herself with the challenge of getting the loudest reacting from Dana while touching her intimately. Dana felt Stella's touch become more demanding as the heat rose between them, her fingers deftly exploring her while her other hand grasped around her back keeping their bodies close together. Guided by the sounds coming from Dana Stella slowly took her right to the edge of her climax, keeping her there for a few blissful seconds before allowing her to fall. When she did, Stella felt Dana's arms and legs all around her, and the pleasure it brought her answered so many of her questions that she didn't even know why she'd had them in the first place.

'Can you stay?' Stella asked quietly, her bottom lip quivering tensely. She was trying to remain strong and in control but the fact that Dana was sitting naked in front of her, her slender legs wrapped around Stella's midsection in an intimate embrace made it difficult for Stella to even recognize what her reasons for that were. Why did she want to control everything? Why was it so hard to give in to the moment and open up, ask what she wanted to ask, say what she needed to say?

The reason was rejection, she knew, and even though she hadn't thought about that for a long time (she'd been the one doing the rejecting) it explained everything. It explained her quivering lip, her fear of letting go of Dana's body. It laid bare all her insecurities and vulnerabilities, and she felt she had a lot more trouble with it than Dana seemed to have. They were two opposites, Stella realized – Rejection and total surrender, and even though, or maybe _because_ they were opposites they would always be linked. Much like herself and the woman who was tenderly caressing her spine with her fingers - between them there were as many similarities as there were differences but somehow they had known very early on that whatever they would end up having would be special and possibly eternal.

'Dana?' Stella whispered when she didn't get a reply, trying to sound brave for herself more than for Scully. The body that was slowly cooling down against her slumped with the deep sigh that Dana released.

'I don't know,' Scully replied softly, wanting to look in Stella's eyes but not feeling strong enough yet. 'I…. I don't know.' Stella nodded into Scully's shoulder. 'Okay.' She made a mental note that this wasn't a no before reminding herself of the situation Scully was in. 'It's unfair of me to ask, I'm sorry,' she said before releasing Dana and standing up a little straighter. Her hands came to Scully's thighs as Dana's fell to Stella's hips, and their eyes locked for a quiet reaffirmation. Scully shook her head lightly, breaking eye contact to lay her head on Stella's collarbone. 'No, it's a good question. I want to stay,' she said. 'I'll try to make it work.' Stella smiled into Dana's hair. 'Maybe it's better if you don't, maybe we shouldn't let this grow too much.' Scully chuckled. 'I think we're past that point,' she answered. Scully raised her head again and searched out Stella's lips, closing her eyes on a moan when their tongues met again. Their kiss was unhurried and intense, both women wanting to convey what they hadn't yet put into words. Stella captured Dana's top lip, softly nipping on the flesh before sweeping her tongue across. It was a quiet moment between them that they both decided not to over-analyze or complicate – they had done enough of that already today. Scully knew she could probably stay two more days to enjoy that time with Stella but right now she didn't want to think about the implications – Stella's mouth was too distracting and her hands so soft and gentle in their exploration of Dana's body that they soon became Scully's focal point.

Dana concentrated on the feeling of Stella's hands moving up to her breasts. She'd been loving and gentle before, but today Stella really seemed to be very exploratory. Dana wondered what had changed, because she was witnessing Stella making a conscious effort to be in the moment with her. Where she'd felt her disassociate afterwards the last time they had made love, this time Scully could feel an almost palpable need for intimacy come from the blonde. It didn't feel desperate, but it felt true and deep and Scully wondered if this was what was holding Stella back. Right then she could see such vulnerability in Stella's eyes, such a need for affection and affirmation that it touched her deeply. Scully let herself slide down from the table, grasping Stella's hands as she went. Both naked, except for Scully's heels which she quickly kicked off, they made their way to the bed. As Stella got in on the opposite side to Scully she watched Dana intently to see what she wanted. Scully had been thinking about sleeping in Stella's arms since she'd first thought of it again that afternoon, so as soon as Stella was under the cover she moved closer. They came together rather effortlessly as Stella welcomed the feeling of Dana's body with a heavy heart. Their hands found each other and fingers entwined again as both women sighed deeply. 'Say something,' Scully asked quietly. 'I can't right now,' Stella admitted, fighting the lump in her throat while softly caressing Dana's side with her free hand. Dana watched the struggle in Stella's eyes. 'I'll call Mulder tomorrow,' she offered softly. 'I need time to figure this out before I go back.' Stella lifted her head to look at Dana before breaking into a tender smile, tears forming in her eyes. She didn't say anything but Scully felt everything in the air between them. As Stella leaned down to kiss Dana a tear fell from her eyes onto Dana's cheek. Stella reached up to wipe it away but it somehow shattered both of their resolves, breaking the walls around their hearts that had already been badly damaged over the past few days. Dana's hand came to Stella's neck and gently pulled her down. She pressed into the kiss, tears starting to fall from the corners of her eyes as well. Her arms came around Stella's midsection, hugging her close, her body again becoming a welcome weight in the whirling sea of new love and an old kind of sadness. Stella's lips trembled on Scully's and Dana felt the depth of Stella's emotions. She was slightly taken aback by the gravity of Stella's feelings but it was freeing as well, because it made Scully realize that this was as serious to Stella as it was to her. When the kiss ended Stella put her head in the curve of Dana's shoulder and attempted to dry her tears.

'Dammit,' Stella muttered. Scully recognized the feeling Stella had told her about before, the protector in her wanting to shield Stella from everything bad in the world and everything in her wanting to take the pain away. 'You can cry,' she said, trying to tell her that it was okay to let go a little. She'd seen Stella controlling her tears before and even though she admired that capability she knew it wasn't always good or needed. Stella smiled through cloudy eyes and her hand that had been drying her cheek came to rest on Scully's stomach. 'I promised myself not to do this,' Stella said softly. Scully frowned a little. 'What do you mean?'

Stella didn't move except for her hand that reached for Scully's again, needing something to hold on to. 'I don't usually do relationships, like you said. But just now I asked you to stay here, with me.' She sighed. 'It's hard to open up to an unknown future.' Scully moved back a little to search for Stella's eyes that were already looking up at her. 'Hard, yes, but not impossible. We never know what the future holds,' she said. 'I've seen miracles happen, have experienced things I cannot explain. This, whatever we have, doesn't need to be explained and it doesn't need to be predicted.' Stella nodded quietly. 'It feels very frail somehow.' Scully shuffled back into Stella, resuming their earlier position with their clasped hands on Scully's tummy. 'You are so strong for putting yourself in this position,' Scully wondered. 'For someone who doesn't do relationships you sure know how to make people feel loved.' Stella smiled. There it was, the thing she'd been scared of saying, right in front of her. The opportunity came out of nowhere and Dana was fully unaware of what she'd said, but Stella felt like this moment was too substantial to let it slip.

Holding Dana's eyes she softly but desperately held on to her hand. 'You are,' she answered profoundly. 'You are loved.'


	8. The Journey

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 8. The Journey.

" _Your choices are half chance – and so are everybody else's."_

That evening, they had connected in a very deep, emotional way.

That night, their hearts found each other's rhythm and decided to both follow the beat of New York's drum, making decisions their brains were too afraid to make. Scully's body had drifted away from Stella's in her sleep, but when Stella returned to the bed after getting a glass of water she found the warm presence of Dana Scully to be all around her. Sighing, she lay quietly as she felt the mattress move and Dana's chin connected with her shoulder. A glance downward told her that Dana was still fast asleep, and for a moment Stella allowed herself to feel everything she felt boiling on the surface.

She had basically confessed her love to Dana that night. Scully's reaction had been sweet, the most beautiful, vulnerable smile being the best thing she could have gifted Stella in that moment. No other words had been spoken. They didn't have to be – the universe was doing all the talking. However it dawned on Stella that this was uncharted territory for both of them, and on top of that she didn't even really know Dana Scully all that well. It felt like they had always been aware of each other's existence, somehow they seemed to know each other but Stella was also very aware of the short time they had spent together. She knew she had never felt this way before about anyone and she was completely and utterly aware of what it was doing to her. She had always thought it wouldn't happen to her because she was being so cautious, but she couldn't have been more wrong – It was happening, and truth be told, she didn't want to stop it even if she could.

'Dana?' Stella woke up to a bed that felt eerily quiet. She still faintly smelled Dana Scully in the sheets, but the redhead wasn't there. Carefully as not to disturb the peace of the room Stella sat up, quickly scanning the area. Bathed in an early morning dew the skyscrapers of New York were looking back at her, scrutinizing her, telling her: What if you scared her? What if she's gone?

Scully was nowhere to be seen, but most of her clothes were still in their respective places where they'd been abandoned yesterday. Stella shifted to throw her legs off the side of the bed, looking for her nightgown when she heard a sound coming from the one part of the room she couldn't see. There was a reading corner with a comfortable chair out of sight from the bed – not for a second had she considered that that's where Dana might be. She got up and quietly walked over to that side of the room, tying her bathrobe around her.

The chair was slightly turned towards the window, and as it came into sight Stella was met with a waterfall of bright red hair dancing down the back of the chair, colors playing brightly in the morning sunlight. Her mood changed instantly, something in the air surrounding Scully was carefree. 'Good morning,' she said, her voice slightly raspy with sleep. She watched as Dana turned around to look at her, and as their eyes met she felt a pang of loneliness cut through the liberating feeling that had been dominating the area. Stella watched as Scully changed her demeanor, deliberately trying to sound cheery. 'Morning. I'm just enjoying the view,' she said. 'Me too,' Stella smiled and walked up to the chair. 'Don't do that,' she whispered into Scully's hair. 'You can talk to me.' Scully chuckled. 'I don't know what you mean. I'm fine.' Stella decided to join her, taking her position on the carpet in front of the chair, sitting next to Scully's crossed legs. With her back towards Dana she hoped she could give her the room she needed to start the conversation if she wanted. The space behind her stayed quiet for a few minutes as the air got thicker and thicker between them. Finally, Scully bowed to the pressure. 'I woke up and I felt confused. I told you I'd call Mulder, and I will, I just don't know what I'm going to say to him. I met someone? I met a woman? Do I lie and say I'm just staying for work? I mean, he means everything to me, he always has. It's frustrating and confusing.'

Stella bowed her head slightly before turning to look at Scully. She could see the frustration in Dana's eyes, their watery surfaces mirroring the turmoil she felt within. Only she didn't have a significant other waiting for her. She didn't have to lie to anyone if she decided not to lie to herself. 'You have to do what you want, Dana. Don't do something you're not one hundred percent sure about. You can go back to DC tomorrow, I would understand. But don't do it for the wrong reasons. Don't go back because you're afraid. If anything, I'd say stay because you are afraid.'

Dana nodded. For a few minutes they just sat there, close to each other, quietly trying to calm their brains and figure out what was next.

After some time Dana shivered. She was just wearing her bra and skirt from last night and a chill was starting to creep into her bones. 'I'm going to take a shower,' she stated quietly. Stella nodded. 'Do you want to meet for breakfast?' Scully smiled at the fact that Stella was completely in tune with her intention to shower in her own room. There was so much understanding between them that it seemed almost surreal. 'Let's meet after. I want you to show me your favorite places in New York. I want to see it through your eyes.' Stella smiled back at Dana. 'That's a nice idea, I like that. Let's meet downstairs at 11.' Dana nodded. 'See you then.'

She got up from the chair and Stella watched her before standing up as well. Dana gathered her clothes, quickly closing a few buttons on her blouse to be able to modestly walk the short way down the corridor. 'I'll see you later,' Dana repeated. Stella nodded with a smile before opening the door for her. Strange feelings tumbled through her stomach as Dana walked out onto the hallway and off towards her room. Stella closed the door, excited for the day. She had been planning on visiting her own favorite spots the next few days anyway, and she loved the idea of taking Dana with her.

As she turned away from the door and untied her robe, letting it fall onto her bed, she realized something.

There had been no nightmares last night Her sleep had been peaceful and deep and she couldn't remember the last time she would have used either of those words to describe how she'd felt at night.

An hour later Dana Scully was sitting on her bed, looking out across the city as her phone was dialing Mulder's number.

'Mulder,' he answered. 'Mulder, it's me,' she replied. 'Oh hi Scully, how are you?' he said. He sounded good, she thought. 'Great, everything is good. How have you been?' He chuckled. 'You know you've only been gone a few days, right? Hardly time enough for me to burn the place down.' 'I'd disagree, but I know you'd just argue with me,' she shot back. 'Anyway, the conference is done but I'm thinking of staying in New York for a few more days.' It came out a lot smoother than she'd thought. 'Oh?' Mulder replied. 'I miss you, Scully. What is so good about New York anyway?' 'Mulder, it's just for a few days. I'll be back soon enough.' She really didn't feel like getting into the details because deep down she was still conflicted. She wanted this, no doubt there, but she as still cheating on him. And that was something she had never thought she'd be capable of. On the other side of the phone Mulder sighed. 'Okay, but be careful. New York is a filthy, scary dark hole of a city sometimes.' She smiled. 'I'll be careful. Thanks. I'll let you know when I'll be back, I'm guessing in two or three days.' 'Ok,' Mulder replied. 'I'll see you then.' He hung up the phone before she had a chance to reply. Relief washed over her, it was done. Still, it annoyed her how easily he had agreed. He hadn't asked about the conference and he hadn't pushed for a reason. That made her uncomfortable with the situation – it meant that he trusted her implicitly. He trusted her and he didn't for one second think something might be going on. That meant that there was no way for her to justify her behavior, she realized. Somehow him being suspicious and mad at her would have given her a reason to do her own thing, to break free, so to speak. However Mulder was being Mulder, a little jealous but deep down always supportive and trusting, and it made her nauseous to think of the betrayal she had committed. How had she come to this decision? Had there even been a choice?

She sat in her own chair by the window for a while until there was a knock on the door. She'd ordered breakfast and she knew this was probably the food being delivered but she found herself hoping it was Stella. She had no idea how to explain her feelings to the blonde that had quietly stolen her heart but she knew she wanted to try.

Opening the door she saw it was indeed her breakfast being delivered and with a smile she tipped the woman after she'd put her tray down on the table. Glancing over at the trolley Dana noticed room service for Stella's room as well, and for some reason it was comforting. She knew she could probably just walk over to Stella's door and she'd be welcomed in without a second thought, but she decided against it – affection was like a drug, and the last thing she needed was an addiction to the one thing she was bound to lose in a few days.

As Stella exited her room at a little before eleven she instantly chuckled at the sight before her. Down the corridor she witnessed Dana's door open as well, and as Dana walked out and their eyes met both women laughed out loud. 'Hi,' Stella smiled at Dana. 'I love your punctuality.' Dana nodded, glancing at Stella sideways. 'As I do yours. I like your jumper.' Stella was wearing a dark blue jersey jumper with curly letters stitched on. It looked comfortable but classy and Scully wished she'd packed something similar. Instead she was wearing a simple tee and a blazer, as well as dark blue jeans that she rarely wore but were comfortable and a nice fit. 'Hm,' Stella replied in a sound that was an acknowledgement if anything. 'You look nice too.' Stella knew Scully probably wouldn't notice until later that she wasn't wearing a bra with her sweater. It was something Stella did regularly, it just felt good sometimes and today was one of those times. She hadn't necessarily planned to get a reaction from Dana but she knew it would be fun watching for it. 'Thanks,' Scully replied, pulling Stella from her thoughts.

Formalities done they stepped into the elevator together. 'So,' Scully said. 'Where are we going?'

'I was thinking coffee at Grand Central, and then down towards Greenwich Village,' Stella said. 'There are so many places I love but there are a few that hold a special memory.' Dana nodded.

She was unsure whether to tell Stella she'd talked to Mulder, after all, it would almost definitely lead to a deep conversation and she wasn't in the mood. Yet she felt like she owed Stella an explanation, or at least she wanted to tell her she'd be in New York for a few more days. Deciding to wait for the right moment Scully followed Stella out onto the street, turning left and another left onto Park Avenue.

About half an hour later they were sitting in a little coffee corner at Grand Central Station, Stella having ordered both of them a black coffee. She noticed that Dana was a little quiet and she wondered if it had anything to do with the impending talk with her partner she was probably putting off. Not usually one to shy away from sensitive topics Stella was annoyed by the fact that she was hesitant to ask Dana about it – it wasn't her usual demeanor. Then again, she realized, this wasn't her usual relationship either.

'Are you okay?' she asked after a few minutes. Scully met her eyes, and even though they were slightly cloudy with worry, Stella saw a glint of peace there. 'I think so,' Dana answered honestly. Stella knew it was an answer that was truly the way she felt, and she was happy that Dana hadn't just answered that she was fine. 'I meant what I said,' Stella said softly. 'If you don't want to stay or you feel like it's too much of a burden, then don't stay. I'll miss you but we'll stay in touch.' Scully but down her coffee and slightly bowed her head before focusing on the crowd passing by the shop window. 'I already spoke to Mulder. He didn't ask and I didn't tell. I'm staying.' Stella didn't say anything. She just watched as a number of emotions and thoughts washed over Dana's face, each of them taking a turn in the glimmer of her eyes. The silence between them hung in the air, not as an enemy but as a friend as both women slowed down in the realization that they still had time.

After a while, Scully looked at Stella and found her blue eyes already focused on hers. 'You ready?' she asked Stella. The blonde smiled and nodded. 'Yes, let's go.' They stood, Stella dropped her empty coffee cup in the trash and Scully followed her out into the crowd. Hooking her arm through Stella's was natural and effortless and she was glad Stella didn't comment on it, she just seemed to accept the weight of their connection and move on.

Scully was curious to see where Stella would take her. She knew a lot of New York but she was sure Stella had a completely different view on this city and she was excited to be inspired by Stella's experiences. She already knew not all of Stella's memories here were pleasant ones but she also knew Stella felt at home here, and she was bound to know some hidden treasures among the streets that so many people viewed as dirty and loud. To Stella it was a playground, a place filled with energy to absorb and become a part of and Scully admired that. Taking off down W42nd street towards Time Square Stella knew today would be special. There would be a lot of walking, a lot of time to talk and just enjoy each other's company, and one of the best things about New York was that if they were to get tired they could just hop on the subway that would bring them wherever they wanted to go. Stella however had a route planned that would bring them down to where she wanted to be while also being one of the best routes to see Manhattan. She wanted to walk all the way down towards the Hudson River, knowing their position would bring them close to the High Line Park which she loved.

The walk across Manhattan was long, but interesting as Scully remembered more and more about the city. She frowned at the crowds when they walked past Broadway and 7th, and she felt light and happy when they left Times Square behind them. 'I like this,' she said to Stella. 'It's good to be here and not linger.' Stella nodded and as they walked on Scully understood more and more why Stella had chosen this route. Right after the busy, loud streets that made up Times Square the noise just died down the instant they were past 8th Avenue. All of a sudden they seemed to be in a completely different part of the city, the buildings were lower, older, and the streets weren't filled with tourists but with commerce and food trucks.

They had a quick lunch at an old diner on 9th Avenue before moving down towards 34th street and onto the elevated park, and even though Scully knew about it and had been to the High Line before, she found that walking it with Stella like this was a completely new experience. She found herself pointing out details she hadn't noticed before and she was mesmerized more than once by the sounds and sights she encountered. A few times she put her hand on Stella's arm or clasped her hand and found the touch to be absolutely grounding and profoundly right. Stella glanced over at Dana from time to time, pointing out a street, a plant or how the light hit and reflected onto the side of a house. She found she had a lot to learn from Dana who knew a lot about the plants as well as the buildings they were seeing, where Stella just seemed to know right where they were the whole time. 'Down this street is our hotel, actually,' she said at one point. 'It's just across Manhattan, but it's there.' Dana sighed. 'That sums up this city quite beautifully,' she commented. 'Everything seems to be just down this or that road, it just takes some work to get there.' Stella nodded. 'It's true,' she said. It was a metaphor for everything going on right now and she hadn't intended it that way, but she was glad that they'd come to the realization. Sitting down she pulled Dana close by her hand and together they sat, looking out across the streets where the air was tick, cabs were breaking rules and life was good.

'Can I ask you something?' Scully asked after a few minutes. She glanced at Stella sideways, admiring how the sunlight was hitting her hair and brightening up her features. 'Of course,' Stella answered as she met Dana's eyes.

'How do you see the future?' Scully dared to ask. To be honest, it was something she thought about a lot. Especially recently, as she seemed to be getting older and older but she had a feeling she wasn't really getting anywhere in life.

Stella contemplated the question for a second. 'First of all, I don't really care about settling down,' she started. 'I mean, society inflicts these rules upon us and we're expected to conform to something called 'the norm,' and I object to that.' Scully nodded. 'I agree, but I'm talking personally. I know I have certain needs and wishes and fears, and I feel them getting stronger every day.' Stella licked her lips for a second, looking down at her hands. When she looked up again she had a hint of sadness in her features that Dana didn't miss. 'I've never taken the time to think about that. I know what you mean and I feel it too, I just refuse to let it take over my life.' Scully smiled. 'It's hard, though, isn't it. Sometimes it gets to you.' Stella nodded slowly. 'I think that's the burden of being a woman.' They both knew that the real conversation was about a family. Scully's life had been completely different than Stella's in regards to a family but both women were reluctant to speak about it at this point in their relationship. Some things didn't need to be said and Stella marveled at the fact that this was yet another topic that they seemed to be able to talk about without actually needing the words.

'You're living with your partner, aren't you?' Stella asked after a few moments. 'Yes,' Dana replied. 'I do have my own place, though. It's a long story and I really don't feel like getting into it.' Stella smiled. 'I won't ask you to.' Dana shot a smile at her before turning the question around. 'How about you?' 'I live alone,' Stella said. 'I always have had my own space. I like it that way.' 'Have you never wanted to live with someone, even a friend?' Scully asked.

'I've lived with people who I've been in relationships with,' Stella said. 'It's just not for me.' Scully nodded. 'How about living with a friend?'

'It wouldn't work out,' Stella said, a smile around her lips. 'I'd just want to be next to you all day.'

She watched carefully as she saw Dana's lip purse a little, a slight blush creeping onto her skin. 'I.. I didn't mean us,' Dana said carefully. 'I just meant in general.' She met Stella's eyes and found the slightly cheeky smile that played around her lips to be liberating. 'Oh' Stella said, breaking eye contact after a few seconds to bravely look out over Manhattan. 'I was just warming to the idea.'

She had realized that she'd made a very quick assumption but in no way was she ashamed of it and she liked Dana's apparent, innocent surprise.

Next to her, Scully watched for any sign of regret on Stella's face but found none. She just looked ahead, confidently, proudly and joyfully. Silently Scully wished she had that ability, but even at her age she found it hard to be unapologetic. She worked hard at it, succeeded for the most part, but sometimes she still felt that need to conform. It was one of the reasons why she hadn't considered Stella's interpretation of her statement. Being openly romantically involved with a woman and living together was not something she'd ever thought about. It had always been Scully and Mulder, and over half her life she'd spent being Scully and Mulder. She had always thought that's how it was supposed to be and she'd had no regrets but being here with Stella was slowly starting to crack her fossilized idea of reality.

'As for your earlier question,' Stella cut into Scully's thoughts, 'I think I'd like to live with someone eventually. I mean, sharing your life is what it's all about in the end, isn't it?' Scully nodded. 'I miss it sometimes,' Stella continued. 'I work hard on remaining independent but I'm almost certain that deep down it's all just fear.' Scully felt Stella shiver as she said the last words, and she felt the truth hit hard inside of her. 'Fear is the driving force behind most of what we do,' Scully said softly. Stella nodded next to her. 'It's not a bad thing,' Scully said. 'As long as you're not missing out.'

'Maybe I am,' Stella replied, somewhat sadly. 'Maybe we both are.'

An hour later they were still strolling casually down the paved path above the streets of New York. They had walked the entire High Line Park and arriving at the other side Stella smiled. 'This is such a completely different part of the city, but it's got so much heart as well,' she said. Scully nodded. As they headed down the stair back onto the streets that had been flowing beneath them Scully looked around interested in the change of scenery. They quickly got a coffee before heading down through the smallest streets they could find. 'Greenwich Village is my favorite part of Manhattan,' Stella stated. 'I have thought about living here.' 'Wow,' Scully said. 'That's a big change.' 'I know,' Stella answered. 'And I'm not even sure it would be possible, after all, I'm not licensed to work here and moving to the US is not easy or necessarily better compared to living in London. Still, I've thought about it.' Scully looked around, noticing the quiet atmosphere that hung between the smaller, older but definitely beautiful and still expensive houses around them. Somehow they ended up on Bleecker Street, reaching Magnolia Bakery. It was already past three in the afternoon and they had walked a lot today, so Scully decided to treat Stella to one of New York's most famous cupcakes. 'Come on,' she said, searching for Stella's hand next to her. 'My treat.' Stella smiled and happily followed Dana inside.

Two Red Velvet cupcakes and a hot chocolate later they were recharged and ready to go again. 'That was amazing,' Stella sighed. Scully nodded. She had watched Stella eat and drink, secretly admiring the view while declining a hot chocolate of her own because she had just had a coffee. A fondness was growing within her, and it was continuing to expand beyond friendship. She'd already known for a while that they would always be good friends and that they had an undeniably natural connection, but after their conversation her mind was playing nasty tricks on her showing her all sorts of possibilities for the future. The thing was, Scully herself had no idea if any of these were actually what she wanted. She didn't even know if her current situation with Mulder was what she wanted. 'Are you ready to walk a bit more?' Stella asked. 'Yes,' Scully answered. 'I am really enjoying today.' Stella nodded. 'Me too.' Stella knew all too well what was going on in Scully's mind, she'd seen and felt it happening halfway through her cupcake. All she was hoping for was a few more quiet hours before the inevitable storm would hit. The 'love' conversation hadn't happened yet, but both of them knew that it had to at some point. There was really no point in avoiding it. It was quick and ordinarily way too early but this wasn't an ordinary situation.

Stella stood and let Scully exit the store in front of her. 'Go left,' she instructed. Dana complied and they continued to wander down the streets. 'I think you'd fit right in here,' Dana pondered after a while. They hit 7th Avenue right at Christopher Street subway station and Scully sighed. 'Wow,' she said quietly. 'I think this is my new favorite place to be.' Stella nodded. 'This is why I love this city so much.' They were looking out over multiple streets, crossing, intersecting and moving on in their own directions. There were plants, flowers, cars and people everywhere. Scattered around the intersection were different shops, in all shapes and sizes, open and closed, busy and quiet. Looking south on 7th Avenue the new World Trade Center stood proudly above all other buildings. It was still basked in sunlight and Stella pointed it out. 'Have you been to the top yet?' Scully shook her head. 'I haven't, I never feel like a tourist here.' 'You don't have to be a tourist to do that,' Stella said. 'I'd say everyone in New York has to have seen that view at least once, local or not.' 'Can we do that tomorrow?' Scully asked. 'I'd really love to take our time up there.' Stella nodded. 'Agreed. How about first thing tomorrow morning?' Scully nodded, even though the first thought that jumped to mind was that she wanted to enjoy a lazy morning with Stella. 'It's a date.'

Stella smiled and felt the urge to reply but she didn't know how. She wanted to acknowledge the effort she knew Dana was making, she wanted to honor her and her tenacity to make this time count, but she didn't know how far she could go. Yesterday they had kissed in public, but it had been dark and no one had been paying attention. They were in a very open and public place right now, people everywhere and somehow Stella felt too exposed. Settling for a warm smile she put her hand on the back of Dana's shoulder for a second, in a gesture that was both supportive and loving. 'Does that mean you're paying?' Scully asked, unable to hide her joy. 'Yes,' Stella said wholeheartedly, and it felt like a commitment to a whole lot more than just an early morning visit to the observatory.

'I want to show you something too,' Dana said as they finished their dinner. They'd been too tired to walk once they'd reached Washington Square Park, so they had found a restaurant to their liking close by. Stella had dropped down unceremoniously next to Dana on the couch along the side of the place and they hadn't moved until they were fully fed and rested. There had been some white wine involved, but not enough to inhibit or inform any of their decisions, and after a day of wonders created by Stella Scully felt she had something she didn't want to miss out on. Stella nodded. 'Take me wherever you want to go,' she said calmly.

She felt completely relaxed, tired but so content. They had laughed and talked so much today that Stella truly felt like she knew Dana now. Also, she had once and for all decided that she was definitely falling in love and that she was ready to let it happen. Where this morning she had felt slightly insecure and unsure of the truth behind her feelings for Dana because of the short time they'd known each other, right now in this moment Stella could truly say she felt good. It had helped that they hadn't had an overly romantic day, they hadn't kissed, there had been no sex and even though they both wanted to be close and needed that physical connection both of them wanted to cherish the moment and save the rest for later.

'Ok,' Stella answered. 'Where are we going?' They had paid their bill and exited the restaurant, taking off towards Washington Square subway station. 'You've probably been a thousand times,' Scully said, 'But I was there a few days ago and I was just thinking how different I feel now. I want to share that with you.' Stella smiled. 'Let's go then.'

About ten cramped minutes in a subway train later they exited at Clark Street. As they walked down the street towards the Brooklyn Heights promenade Scully took Stella's hand, weaving their fingers together. They took a left on Columbia Heights and Scully sighed happily. 'This is where I'd like to live,' she dreamed aloud. Stella chuckled. 'I bet. It's beautiful here.' The street was lined with big houses, all of them different, all of them equally elegant and luxurious. Stella tried to pick out her favorite – and she could almost feel Dana do the same. Secretly she let her mind wander to what would happen if she were to live here with Dana – a pointless exercise but a fun one nonetheless. One of the last houses on the right was her favorite, a white house adorned with lush greenery stood proudly between the grey and brick houses surrounding it. It had elegant lines, and there were two doors – one with stairs leading towards it like others, but also a slightly more hidden door with a few steps leading down. It reminded her of them – A little different, but very special – and Stella released Dana's hand to take out her phone and quickly snap a picture.

'Did you just find your dream house?' Scully asked.

Stella nodded. 'I might have.' Scully smiled and looked down at her feet for a second before turning right through a small park. It led them to the promenade and Stella immediately felt a tingle lead all the way to the top of her head. 'Wow,' she said. Dana reached back and Stella took her hand again.

The sight in front of her was something Stella would not quickly forget.

She first saw the sun falling through the leaves, reflecting in all sorts of colors on Dana's hair. If she looked beyond that she saw a small path surrounded by trees and plants leading to the promenade – a brick pathway above the busy Brooklyn streets looking out over the Hudson and East River. The sun was shining bright orange across the water, highlighting some of Manhattan's buildings as well as the Brooklyn Bridge to their right. Stella saw the Statue of Liberty in the distance and she clasped Dana's hand a little tighter, pulling her back to her side. 'This is wonderful.'

'Haven't you been here before?' Scully asked as her shoulder touched Stella's. 'No,' Stella sighed. 'I've been down by the park near the Brooklyn Bridge, but never on the promenade. The view is amazing from up here. Thank you for taking me.' Scully smiled at her. 'You're welcome. I wanted to enjoy the sunset with you.' Stella felt gratitude spread through her body and she hoped Dana knew how much this meant to her. 'Let's stay here a little while,' she said softly, directing Dana to one of the benches. Scully nodded and sat down with her, settling close to Stella. 'Come here,' she said softly and pulled Stella close by her hand. Stella looked at her and admired the rays of sunshine and red hair framing Dana's face. She felt happy and grateful and having Dana so close didn't really leave her a choice – leaning forward she cupped Dana's chin and gently kissed her lips. It was a short kiss, a very gentle one – but Scully felt it straight down to her toes. As Stella released her Dana smiled openly, and this time there was no sadness like many times before. Stella reveled in the open expression on Dana's face – there was acceptance, and it was something she cherished deeply. 'I think I have a confession,' Scully said softly. 'Hm,' Stella said in an encouragement to Dana. She regarded Dana with interest, intrigued with what she might say next. 'I think… Today has been really lovely and I've had a lot of time to come to terms with some things,' Dana started. Stella felt like she might need some help so she grasped Dana's hand again, shuffling just that tiny bit closer to Scully on the bench. They were practically alone up here, and Stella was very grateful for that – it gave them the privacy she knew Dana needed. 'Go on,' she said.

'I haven't been very articulate to you about how I feel,' Scully said. 'In fact I think we've both been a little rattled by what has happened.' Stella nodded. 'But despite the situation and despite all of our doubts I think I need to be clear to you,' Scully continued. 'I really feel a deep connection and even though I don't know what it means and I don't like the implications I do know that I can't ignore it. I have a lot to figure out and I will do that, but right now I need you to know that to me, this is worth every bit of trouble it's going to cause. I'll figure it out.' Stella bowed her head, feeling very light. 'We will,' she corrected and nodded. 'We'll figure out what it means and what we are going to do. You are so brave,' she said. Scully smiled, tears filling her eyes. It hadn't really been a huge risk for today had confirmed every single one of her suspicions about Stella's feelings towards her. She had been fun, accommodating, courteous, kind and it had all felt very natural – something Scully wasn't accustomed to. It had proven to her that this was good, it was healthy and meaningful and she had nothing to lose by telling Stella how she felt because she was one hundred percent positive Stella felt the same.

In the end it hadn't really been a choice – A million little decisions had led to Stella being in New York, and Scully wasn't even sure how she had ended up here herself. All she knew was that it wasn't even to be analyzed. They were meant to meet, she was almost certain. Their connection was undeniable and their chemistry insane, and Scully knew that something as rare as this wasn't to be taken lightly.

Stella saw the emotion in Scully's eyes and sighed deeply. Carefully she freed her right arm that had been between their bodies to softly put her palm on Dana's cheek and pull her in closer. Their heads touched and Dana leaned in, grateful for the support she felt. 'I'm a very private person,' Stella said softly, 'but I feel the same.' Scully smiled through her tears, and even though she knew Stella couldn't see it she knew she felt it. Looking out across the water in front of them both women relaxed in each other's company, for it was the only place in the world they could imagine being in right now.


	9. Red And Gold

Courage is a Woman

Chapter 9. Red and Gold

" _You don't expect a sunset to admire you back." ~River Song (Doctor Who)_

As the bright pink skies gave way to the night Dana and Stella wandered a bit further down the promenade. Scully linked her arm through Stella's, finding her hand in her pocket. It was an intimate touch, one that bound them together and made promises for later. Stella felt her heart expand more and more every second Dana was by her side and she wondered how much more she could take.

As the lights of New York shone across the water Stella and Dana silently agreed to take in the breathtaking beauty before them, still side by side as they leaned over the fence. The wind took Scully's hair, blowing it into her face, and Stella laughed at her apparent annoyance. 'How does your hair stay like that?' Scully asked slightly irritated. 'It doesn't,' Stella answered laughing. 'You're just catching all of the wind.' Scully laughed with her, seeing the futility in her attempts at taming her hair. 'Let's walk towards the bridge,' she suggested and Stella nodded, starting to walk back down towards the Brooklyn Bridge. 'You're not seriously suggesting walking that whole thing, are you?' she asked in a low voice. 'Because I'm quite certain you will have to carry me.' Scully looked at Stella sideways, grateful for the wind that was now keeping her hair behind her. 'Tomorrow?' Stella nodded instantly. 'Yes, that's a great idea. Tomorrow.' They continued their short walk down to the Brooklyn Bridge Park, where they found a spot amongst the tourists watching the sunset. As the final sun disappeared and the last orange rays made way for sparkling lights and soft blues Dana took a chance and pulled Stella close. Amidst maybe a hundred people, not that far from home, Dana Scully amazed Stella again as she took Stella's face in her hands, her thumbs softly caressing Stella's skin. 'This is wonderful,' she whispered as she kissed Stella carefully. Stella felt Dana's lips quiver in silent anxiety. She wrapped her arms around Dana, slightly scared she would pull away but too caught up in the moment to stop herself. She kissed Dana, no hesitation, no regrets – and her reaction caused Dana to relax into her touch. Dana felt Stella's lips capture hers and she was grateful for Stella's steady touch, she needed it to distract her as much as she wanted it to consume her. Dana caught Stella's bottom lip between hers and deepened the kiss. After a few moments they broke apart and Dana sighed, locking eyes with Stella. No words were needed as Stella watched Dana blush slightly and then confidently meet her gaze again – she watched Dana intently and was touched when Dana reached for her, taking her hand and guiding her further down the promenade along the water of the East River. They walked all the way down to the Brooklyn Bridge before stopping to lean over the fence. Stella leaned her lower arms on the edge as Dana stood slightly behind her, their hips nearly touching. Before them the Brooklyn Bridge was lit up for the night, shining in all its glory, stretching out before them. Stella sighed. 'Thank you,' she said earnestly as she looked back over her shoulder. Dana smiled and stepped in next to Stella. 'Thank _you_ ,' she answered. 'Today has been really great. I'm seeing New York through completely different eyes now.' Stella nodded. 'I could say the same. I enjoyed myself thoroughly and I couldn't have asked for a better partner to share today with,' she answered. Dana smiled at the use of the word. Mulder had always been her partner and the only one who she had thought of that way, and to hear someone else use that term for her was strange but not badly so. She didn't mind that Stella called her that and in fact it made total sense – they had, to the rest of the world, been partners today. Scully felt totally fine with that and in fact she felt pride at Stella's words. 'I like that,' she thought out loud. Stella raised her eyebrows. 'What?' 'Partners,' Scully answered. 'We are, aren't we? Even if we're not anything else, if we choose not to be or if we can't be, then we'll still be partners.' Stella smiled softly, moving one hand to lie over Dana's. If we choose not to be, Scully thought. If only it were that simple.

Half an hour later it was completely dark. Stella had taken Dana to a place right underneath the Brooklyn Bridge, and that's where they'd been sitting for a while when Dana shivered audibly. 'Let's head back,' Stella said. 'You're cold.' Scully nodded. 'I'm okay, but I'm tired,' she said. Stella stood, extending her hand for Dana to pull herself up. As Scully took her place beside Stella again she decided to leave her hand in Stella's, squeezing softly to emphasize her intent. They walked hand in hand past the carrousel and back towards Clark Street subway station, pretending this was normal, pretending they didn't have all kinds of hopes and fears. And it worked, at least for a little while.

The subway ride was short and soon they were back in their hotel. Tired, but at peace, they headed up to their floor. 'I'm going to take a shower,' Scully said as they reached her room. Stella nodded. 'Would you like to meet me down in the bar for a drink later?' Scully smiled. 'Sure. Give me time to change first.' Stella got her key card out of her pocket and smiled. 'Find me when you're ready.' She turned and left Scully to her thoughts. She had wanted to kiss her, reaffirm their affection and bond but she decided against it – like Dana had said, they shouldn't let this thing get too big. It would be a bitch to get over anyway, and Stella knew that before Dana left she wanted to tell her that no matter what, she'd always remember her.

Stella quickly freshened up and changed into a simple graphic T-shirt, wearing the same pants she had before. Still foregoing the bra she wondered if Dana had noticed and simply decided to ignore it or if she had in fact not let her eyes wander there today. Their relationship wasn't about sex as much as it was about appreciation and respect and Stella loved that, but they were also both very physical people and their attraction was undeniable. Like Dana had said yesterday Stella already knew she wanted to spend the night with her again if Dana was ready for that.

As she walked into the bar downstairs a few minutes later Stella encountered Nick again. 'Hi there,' he greeted. She just smiled in acknowledgment, taking a seat at the bar for now. Dana would be able to find her easily and they could move to a more private spot once she got there, Stella thought. 'How have you been?' Nick asked her as he poured her a glass of the wine she'd been having earlier. 'Good,' she answered kindly. 'I'm enjoying being back in New York.' He nodded. 'Good to hear. Are you waiting for someone?' She inclined her head a little. 'I am.' Nick smiled. 'I guess my luck has run out, then. It's good to know you, Stella,' he said before moving away to attend other customers. Stella watched him go and thought to herself how much better life would be with just one partner. She had never particularly cared for that life, thinking it was easier to avoid attachment, but watching Nick move off she knew that it didn't have to be that way. It was a choice that she said goodbye to people, it didn't have to be that way, she knew that. She just felt a strange sadness in her stomach at the knowledge that the person she could see herself with was already involved with someone else. Usually she wouldn't ask because she wouldn't care, but now she really wished she'd said something to Dana because she didn't want her to be in this position. Smiling she remembered that Dana hadn't exactly said no, so technically it was partially Dana's responsibility as well, but now that they had repeatedly crossed that line she knew Dana would have a lot to talk about with her partner once she came home.

Home. What did that even mean? Stella had always thought of London as home, since it had been where she had spent most of her time. Still, travelling the world and being in different places she knew that there was only one thing she really needed for a place to be her home: Herself. The rest could be replaced. Still, her apartment in London was her safe zone now – she'd never taken someone home with her, settling for hotel rooms and their apartment instead of bringing a partner into her own safe zone. That's what it was, really, she thought – a safe zone. Right now this hotel and the room she had was her safe zone and the more time she spent actually walking around in New York the more she thought it would make a perfect home.

Dana walked in on Stella clearly being lost in thought. She paused for a few seconds in the restaurant's entrance to look at Stella, who was clearly thinking about something troubling. She saw a slight frown appear between Stella's brows and the tiny quiver of her bottom lip wasn't lost to Scully. 'Hey,' Scully said as she approached Stella. Softly she put her arms around Stella's form, not a hug, not a cuddle but something blissfully in between. Stella accepted it, slightly surprised, but she realized Dana must have caught her little wandering of the mind. 'Hi,' she responded softly, her voice slightly hoarse. 'Sorry, I was just thinking about something.' Scully nodded. 'I noticed. Are you okay?' Stella nodded. 'Fine. Let's find a table.' Dana shrugged. 'I'm fine sitting here.' Stella smiled and moved her stool a little. 'Okay,' she agreed and offered Dana the seat next to her. Stella noticed the softer pants Dana was wearing, loving how they looked super classy and comfortable at the same time, ending in a split at her ankles to reveal a bit of ivory skin before ending in a black high heel.

Nick came over and looked from Stella to Scully. 'What can I get for you?' he asked. 'Red wine, please,' Dana said. 'And refill hers,' she added. Nick nodded and did as she asked. Scully caught the smile he shot at Stella before walking away again. 'Do you know each other?' she asked, slightly curious because she had seen Stella's interaction with the guy a few days earlier. She wasn't jealous but she was curious, having deduced Stella's sex life to be somewhat erratic and driven by chance encounters. 'I wouldn't say I know him,' Stella replied, looking at Scully intently. 'We had sex.' She wanted to be frank with Dana, honest about her past and ways of doing things, and she knew Dana could handle the truth. She watched how Scully processed and accepted the information. 'I thought so,' she said, a tiny smile playing on her lips. 'I saw you two interact the day before we met. The first night I came to you with the file I was afraid I'd be interrupting you two,' she confessed. Stella raised her chin, a cheeky grin growing on her face. 'I wonder what would have happened if you had,' she said softly. 'Anyway, it was a one-time thing and it's done now,' she added before taking a sip of her wine. 'It was meaningless.' Dana nodded. 'I gathered as much,' she said. 'It's a game of conquest and power to you, isn't it.' Stella nodded, feeling slightly giddy about being confronted with it like this. 'It's easier. We all have basic physical needs and to fulfill those needs I've always been able to take what I require.' Scully blushed slightly at Stella's honest answer and she focused on her wine for a few moments. 'Am I a way to fulfill your needs?' she asked quietly. She felt like she already knew the answer, but she needed to ask anyway. Stella pursed her lips and put a hand on Dana's. 'You are much more than that,' she said earnestly. 'I honestly don't think I've cared about someone as much as I'm starting to care about you.' Scully just looked at Stella, not knowing what to say and feeling like she didn't have to say anything if she didn't want to. 'It's true,' Stella added after a few moments. 'You said you didn't know what you were doing, but the same goes for me. I don't know when my last meaningful relationship was.' Dana averted her gaze and sipped her wine again, finishing the glass before putting it back on the counter. Stella felt slightly uncomfortable in Dana's silence but she liked the quiet energy surrounding them. There was just acceptance and love coming from Dana and Stella realized that she was probably the first person in a long time that didn't judge or define her based on her sexual choices.

A short while later Dana turned to Stella. 'Let's go upstairs, if we want to be in the Observatory early tomorrow we should get some sleep.' It was around 11 PM and Scully hadn't realized how tired she was until she put some alcohol in her system. Stella looked at her, meeting her eyes for the first time in minutes. They were soft, Dana's gaze focused on Stella's without being demanding or judgmental. 'Ok,' Stella just agreed, signaling for Nick to come over. 'A bottle of this, please, put it on my tab,' she told him and he fetched the bottle. 'Have a nice evening ladies,' he added as he smiled and nodded at Scully. She smiled back, slightly raising her chin to appear unfazed. 'Thanks,' she said before turning away and hoping Stella would follow. She did, and within minutes they were back in the top floor hallway again. Stella walked to Dana's room and waited for Dana to open the door, smiling when Scully deliberately brushed her hand past Stella's midsection as she entered. 'Come in,' Scully said and closed the door behind Stella.

It felt natural to Dana to have Stella stay with her tonight. They hadn't specifically talked about it – and somehow Dana had thought Stella would take her distance tonight – but she was very happy to see Stella follow her to her door and enter the room after her. As she closed the door she turned around to see Stella put the bottle of wine down on her table. 'That's for tomorrow,' she said smiling. Scully nodded quietly, knowing that tomorrow evening would probably have to be their last evening together. There were a thousand feelings raging through her heart at that realization and Stella noticed the slight change in Dana's demeanor. 'It won't be farewell,' she said as she caught Dana's hand. With her other hand she pushed a lock of Dana's loose hair out of her face, curling it behind her ear. Her hand lingered on Dana's cheek and she watched mesmerized as she could see straight into Dana's heart.

'I'm going to collect some things to take a shower,' Stella said to break the tension. She released Dana and left the room to go to her own, leaving the door slightly open. Dana gathered herself and released a shaky breath. It already hurt to see Stella leave, an emptiness in her stomach telling her that no matter what happened she would have a hard time separating herself from the blonde who had dug her way into her heart. She heard a door close down the hall and smiled as Stella appeared in her doorway again, apparently ready to use Dana's shower instead of her own. Stella acknowledged Dana with a smile and carried the stack of clothes she'd fetched to Dana's bathroom, closing the door behind her. Scully listened for the lock but didn't hear it and she smiled to herself. Unsure if Stella was challenging her or just didn't bother with the lock she knew that she probably wouldn't expect Dana to join her. Deciding to go now before her courage ran out Dana pulled her top over her head, leaving her in her bra and cigarette pants. She opened the door to follow Stella, just in time to witness her pulling her T-shirt over her head. 'Oh god,' Scully whispered as she saw the expanse of beautifully pale skin revealed by Stella. Stella shot her a look over her shoulder. 'Don't tell me you didn't notice,' she teased, seemingly unfazed by Scully entering the bathroom. 'I didn't,' Scully said. It was partially a lie, she definitely had her suspicions when she'd seen Stella in the T-shirt that there was no bra underneath, but somehow their proximity and conversation had distracted her from the thought. Scully put her hair up in a messy bun and approached Stella, who had done the same, placing her arms around Stella's waist form behind. Feeling her naked skin against her chest was erotic and reassuring and Scully sighed deeply. Stella put her hands on Dana's, carefully disentangling herself from the embrace before turning on the water. Turning back to Dana she watched as Scully reached behind her back to unclasp her bra as well, leaving them equally naked and exposed. Dana stepped in to unfasten Stella's pants and Stella covered her hands with her own. 'Let me,' Dana said softly and even though it felt vulnerable beyond Stella's usual comfort zone she dropped her hands to let Dana undo the buttons. As she pushed Stella's pants over her hips she stepped in to kiss her softly, helping her step out of the pants before taking her in her arms again. 'I like your pants,' Stella threw in a compliment she'd meant to give earlier. Scully smirked before taking them off. They didn't speak much as Stella removed her underwear before Dana's, helping her to step under the warm current with her. They were both naked, nothing to hide behind, and Dana closed her eyes to angle her head up into the warm stream of water raining down on them. She felt Stella keep her distance, wanting her to initiate their contact, and she felt honored and respected beyond words. Without opening her eyes she reached for Stella, softly grasping her hands and pulling her in close to her body. Scully stepped back a little, letting the current rage between them as she opened her eyes. Stella stood there, studying Scully, a shiver running across her arms. 'You're cold,' Scully noticed, and she released her. 'I'm ruining your shower.'

'You're ruining my resolve,' Stella whispered, pulling her back in, moving her hands to cup Dana's cheeks. Scully wrapped her arms tightly around Stella's midsection before closing the final distance between them and kissing her. Capturing Stella's lips she felt them cold between her own, but soft and open to accept whatever she was ready to give. Scully kissed Stella openly, dueling with her tongue for dominance in a fight she didn't care if she won. All that mattered was their touch, the infinite warmth that was slowly spreading through both of them and the intensity of their feelings for each other. The water was crashing down on both of them, and Scully broke the kiss when it became hard to breathe with the water in their faces and between their lips. 'Come here,' Stella whispered, and pulled her close. She felt Dana's hands move down to the sides of her body, softly sliding along the sides of her breasts. Dana's fingers caught Stella's nipples, softly testing and finding out how to touch Stella to coax the best noises from her lips. Dana focused on Stella's mouth, soon finding out it was the best indicator of her pleasure – parting lips, slightly trembling and denting chin, and her teeth… Scully was spellbound by Stella's bottom lip getting caught between her teeth every time Scully intensified her touch. They were close, but soon Dana put a little distance between them by pushing Stella against the back wall. It was cold, she knew, but she wanted to watch Stella come apart in a fight between hot and cold and for that she needed the unwavering support of the shower walls. A half-formed protest left Stella's lips, having been abandoned before it had come full circle, ending in a soft whimper instead of a 'no'. Stella wasn't used to being pushed against shower walls, but then again, Dana was a worthy partner to her – not an opponent, and it wasn't a fight. So Stella gave up on fighting her. She gave up on fighting the chill that travelled down her body with Dana's fingers. She gave up on trying to control the way her body clenched treacherously as Dana dropped her fingers into Stella's folds. She gave up on controlling her body's reaction to Dana's quick-learning thumb on her clit. She gave up on trying to hold in Scully's name as she came only a few minutes later, and she shared Dana's surprise as her body barely held itself up and she quivered around Dana's single finger, her name softly on her lips. 'Dana…'

Stella felt Dana's lips land on her neck and her arms came around the redhead's body to hold her close. Dana seemed to realize that the name that had just been uttered into the crook of her neck was something of a rarity. She intently sought out Stella's lips, seemingly telling her that she understood. Stella accepted her kiss, trying to be okay, trying to be okay with what had just happened inside her brain. Dana switched positions with Stella so that she was no longer inhibited by the stream of water. It now fell down Stella's back, and even though it caused a chill to break on Dana's skin she leaned back in Stella's spot on the wall of the shower. It was cold for a second, but soon she didn't feel any discomfort anymore – it might have something to do with Stella's hands moving back up to cup her breasts. However Dana felt tension in Stella's arms, even though her touch was soft and smooth Scully felt Stella's muscles move and her touch waver a bit. 'Let's get out of here,' she said to Stella. 'Give me a few minutes,' Stella answered and Scully smiled in acknowledgment. She touched her lips to Stella's one last time before exiting the cubicle, suddenly laughing at the ridiculous idea of taking a shower together. It was one of those things that always seemed like a good idea at the beginning – it was sexy and alluring, slick, smooth bodies under a hot current, but in reality it was always cold, messy and slippery. As she wrapped herself in a towel she watched Stella's silhouette, and she witnessed how Stella dropped her head in her hands before stretching up into the current. Scully recognized the feeling as she herself had no idea how to deal with everything. She dried off and decided to get into bed, her glowing body warming the cold sheets before Stella would join her. She stretched out in the big bed and listened to the water falling in the bathroom as she looked out across the city, propping the pillows up on each other against the headboard. The curtains were still open and Scully left them that way – it was liberating and yet humbling, another quiet reminder of where they were.

Stella took a few minutes longer to shower than she had planned to, needing the time to take care of herself. She used the hotel's shower gel, shaved, cleaned her face and tried to relax before finally turning off the shower. After quickly drying off she wrapped the big towel around her body, folding it in the front before exiting the bathroom. For a second she looked around the room where Dana was, smiling as she saw her fiery red head of hair just above the blankets on the bed. 'Getting comfortable?' she asked on a smile. 'I thought I'd warm it up a bit,' Dana answered with a thick voice, returning the smile. Stella sat down on the edge, angling her shoulders towards Scully. As Scully sat up, Stella watched the blanket slide down her body a little, exposing her gloriously naked shoulders. Stella leaned in to press a kiss to Scully's left shoulder. 'Move over,' she whispered. Scully shifted a little to make space for Stella and she watched as Stella stood and dropped the towel. Scully's eyes wandered down Stella's body for a second, noticing that she didn't bother to hide the scars on her inner thighs as she climbed into the bed. Stella could see Dana's eyes roam her body and for a split second she wondered if she owed her an explanation. She didn't, of course, and the thought was gone as soon as it entered her mind – if Dana wanted to know, Dana would ask.

Dana didn't, and Stella was grateful – she'd much rather keep her terrible secret than discuss it openly with the woman she'd accidentally fallen for. Stella cursed her heart for what had happened to her recently – she'd grown soft, she'd stopped paying attention for one second and Dana Scully had taken full advantage of that weakness. Not that she'd been aware, no, she'd been blissfully ignorant and inconsiderate with Stella's heart when she'd taken it and wrapped it up like a present for Stella to receive. It was like a stranger to her, that thing in the middle of her chest that was telling her all kinds of things that she didn't want to hear. Did she? Did she want to be reminded of how good Dana's skin had felt beneath her fingers while she was trying to swim laps? Did she want to see Dana's red hair in everything that was even slightly tinted red and gold around her? Had she asked to be reminded of a possible future with this woman every time she saw someone holding hands on the street? No, not particularly. Was she happy about it? Not at all. But what can you do, Stella thought – it had been too long, too long a life of loneliness and hardness had been her only focus and now she was in trouble. Big trouble.

Dana watched, fascinated as a story played behind Stella's blue eyes. She was aware of the situation she and Stella were in, and she knew that if it was a hard one for her it would be to Stella, as well. Even though Stella's mind seemed to be miles away, her eyes were focused solely on Dana's and Scully watched the colors shift to a deeper shade as Stella's hand came up. Scully shuffled a little closer, slightly uncomfortable with Stella's hand slowly moving the sheet down, but Stella's eyes on hers grounded her and reminded her: There would be no judgment of any kind.

Stella returned to her mentally as Dana felt Stella's energy refocus on her, a small smile emanating from her eyes again and Scully reached up, leaning on an elbow while cupping Stella's head with her other hand. She kissed her softly, a reassurance, a careful 'I'm here, I'm okay'. Stella accepted the kiss but when Scully broke it she softly pushed her back, shoulders sinking in the pillows as Scully lay flat on her back. Stella kept steady eye contact with Dana, watching as she noticed Dana's discomfort, willing it to go away. It was such an unnecessary thing that women did – judge themselves so much harder than anyone around them ever would – and Stella just wanted to tell them all to stop. She caught herself doing it every once in a while, but seeing Dana struggle with it almost made her sad. Stella continued moving the blanket down Scully's body, lightly touching her left breast with her fingers as she continued to lay bare so much more than just Dana's body. 'I was warming it up for you,' Scully said very softly, unsure if she should break the silence between them with a joke. Stella smirked. 'I won't let you get cold,' she replied. Scully closed her eyes as she felt Stella's eyes travel down her body, leaving goosebumps in their way. 'You are magnificent,' Stella's slightly hoarse voice told her, and she didn't want to question it any more. She didn't reply, instead Dana just tried to let go and focus on the feelings that Stella was creating. With her eyes closed Dana could feel the shift in the mattress as Stella presumably sat up next to her, but she couldn't see. It would have been a simple thing – open your eyes and you will see – but Scully found that she couldn't, didn't want to. Life was much easier with her eyes closed. She could focus on the way Stella took over, always gentle, but more demanding of Scully's surrender today than yesterday or the day before as her fingertips played across her skin like it was the finest of fabrics. Scully blindly reached for her again with one hand, but Stella pushed it aside before it reached her. As Stella's knees dented the mattress beside Scully she lifted one arm above her head, stretching her body, opening herself to Stella's intentions. At this moment there was nothing she could think of that she didn't want Stella to do.

Stella carefully raked her nails from Dana's hand down the sensitive, almost translucent skin of her arm to the side of her breast gain. She watched as Dana slightly opened her mouth, the tiniest gasp for air being released into the universe. Stella studied every move Dana's body made, from the pulse in her neck down to the tightening of her abdominal muscles as Stella touched but barely felt her skin. It was an indulgence, one she rarely allowed herself, to really see someone's body and Stella knew what a precious gift it was to be given permission by Dana. It was a form of surrender that had to be earned, that couldn't be taken, and even though Stella felt in control she knew that Dana could put a stop with it with only one movement. She didn't, though, staying impeccably quiet and yet responsive to Stella's journey of ripples and lines up and down her body.

Stella had abandoned the sheet somewhere around Dana's knees, exposing her down to her thighs, and Dana bent one leg to gain some leverage. She felt Stella move next to her but was surprised to feel her lips in her neck, her blonde locks tickling Dana's clavicle and face as the curtain that was Stella's slightly damp hair fell down around her. Dana kept her eyes closed and her hands away as she felt Stella's barely-there fingers skim along her sides and Stella's mouth slowly but surely travel down her sternum. It occurred to Dana how quiet the room was, how quiet they had been, and how it heightened her awareness of Stella's presence. She concentrated on the path Stella's fingers were taking, going nowhere in particular, seemingly hell bent to create havoc and chaos within Dana's mind and body – slowly driving her crazy with desire but also very convincingly letting Dana know that she wasn't in control of her own fate right now. Where Stella wanted to create a storm she lingered, where she wanted to avoid she skimmed the edges with nimble fingers and lips and Dana had no intention of stopping her. When finally after a few minutes Stella's lips found the underside of Dana's left breast she felt Stella's tongue flat and wet on her skin, and it wouldn't leave there for quite some time – Stella seemed to want to create a blazing roadmap of New York right there on Scully's sensitive, soft ribcage. Releasing a sigh that quivered across Dana's moist skin (showing Stella the way, like a map) Stella finally gave in to Dana's unspoken wishes and closed her fingers around Dana's nipples. She was rewarded with the sweetest sound and the feeling of Dana's small hands grasping her fingers momentarily, before she remembered not to touch and moved them back to lie next to her head and across her brow. It was a game, one Stella loved to play, but she found she missed Dana's clear blue eyes looking up at her. She straddled Dana's straight leg and kissed her way back up her body to her face, capturing her lips as she covered Dana's body with hers. It was a position they had been in before and Stella found herself yearning for that same intimate connection. Dana's hand that had been lying across her forehead locked itself safely in Stella's hair, keeping her close for a moment before coming to lie on her cheek. 'Open your eyes,' Stella said, and it wasn't really a request. A smile played across Scully's lips and Stella felt it get lost in the kiss before she sat back up a little to watch Dana come back to their reality. Dana's eyes were indeed sleepy blue with desire, her eyelids heavy and her eyes watery with emotion. Her hand fell from Stella's cheek to her thigh and Stella brought it back up to her lips, kissing it, starting a new path down Dana's much-travelled arm. Stella refocused her attention to Dana's skin, keeping her close and giving as much as she was taking. Once every while she locked eyes with the deep blue sea that encompassed her, guided her and anchored her – chemistry, she thought fleetingly, what a bitch.

Because there was no place Stella could think of that she wanted to be more right now, or ever in her life, than right here with Dana. She should have seen it coming and she should have prevented it, but she knew that the battle had been lost. In fact, it hadn't been fought at all because in a moment of weakness Stella had thought she was strong enough. She who was often referred to as the steely detective had thought that Dana's innocence and energy would be manageable. That she could handle it. Well, she was handling it, all right – with her lips all over Dana's tummy traveling down to where she hadn't yet tasted the skin, to where her hands had been but her mouth hadn't and to where she knew she would be well and truly lost. Like a moth to a flame, she reminded herself again - self-love, self-destruction. Still, when Dana's hands reached for her and she reached the trimmed patch of Dana's short curls she knew that even though this was an impossible situation, this feeling would stay with her for the rest of her life.

Threading her fingers through Dana's next to her hip Stella used her other hand to direct Dana's inner thigh outward, making it easier to travel where she needed to go. She marveled at Dana's uninhibited desire, smelling it, feeling it. For a brief second she wondered if Dana liked this, because she herself had very specific preferences when it came to who she allowed to do this. Scully felt Stella hesitate as her touch softened a little. She looked up, meeting Stella's hazy eyes and her heart melted at the concern she detected there. 'Go on,' Scully whispered, and she drove her fingers through Stella's locks again to keep her close. Stella smiled softly at Scully as she traced the outline of her labia with two fingers, catching her clit on each run. Keeping her fingers straight she knew how and when to apply pressure, but Scully's reaction had her going on instinct rather than knowledge. 'God yes,' Scully chanted as she tightened her hold on Stella. She missed feeling her warm body on hers, but this was good, it was so good. Stella kissed the inside of Scully's thighs. Where on her own body scars would appear Dana's were smooth, fair skin that was eager to be marked by Stella's teeth. She nibbled her way up, making sure to be gentle but insistent, before finally licking all the way up Dana's pussy in one long movement. She found Dana wet and ready, and she was rewarded with another squeeze of Dana's nails on the back of her hand. The fingers that were wrapped up in Stella's hair kept her close, directing her, and Stella was ready to let Dana take her wherever she wanted.

She repeated the motion a few times before focusing her tongue, flat and pliant, on Dana's clit. She licked her up like a cat would her nourishment, and in some way Stella felt the truth in that comparison. Scully had given up on speaking actual words, being reduced down to a whimper and a moan as Stella's tongue did things to her she had never experienced before. Stella followed the instructions Dana's body provided, entering her with one long finger before adding another. She fingered and licked slowly at first, building up her pressure inside of Dana as she felt her inner walls react and flutter around her in a steadying rhythm. Stella closed her eyes, feeling like she wanted to protect her brain from what was going on in front of her – it might be too much for her to cope with, she might break from the infinite tenderness that would fill and overflow her heart. After a few minutes Dana's body changed. Stella felt it happen – where she had been pliant, soft and responsive Dana now became tense, pushing down into the mattress to increase the pressure. Stella felt her get wetter and she registered Dana's inner muscles tightening around her fingers. 'Yes,' she moaned into Dana. 'That's it, love.'

Stella increased her pace and detangled her hand from Dana's to keep her down and in reach. Dana's hand followed Stella's to lie on her tummy and Stella smiled as she felt Dana grab her wrist tighter than she would have thought her capable of. Dana muttered somewhat of a warning, unheard by Stella, and seconds later her legs tensed and fell apart and Stella was rewarded in the most intimate way there was. Dana felt her climax reach all the way up into her brain, reach out to the tips of her fingers and her toes and warmth and love and intimacy spread all through her. Somewhere in the back of her mind she registered Stella calling to her, 'Yes, love,' somewhere in her subconscious brain she felt her nails dig into Stella's skin but it didn't matter, she was helpless as her orgasm washed over her and left her boneless, flushed and sweaty on the bed. She opened her eyes as soon as she was able, needing to see Stella, needing to look into her eyes. She pulled her up wordlessly, welcoming Stella's weight on top of her, needing it to bring her back to earth. Stella knew, somehow, what Scully needed and after placing a single soft kiss on her lips she brought her head down to the space between Scully's shoulder and her ear, lips lightly caressing the skin on her neck. 'Oh my God,' Dana whispered, and she was fairly certain she'd said that to Stella before but she simply couldn't come up with a more appropriate vocabulary. Stella smiled into her skin and shifted so that one leg was on the bed next to Dana. Stella left her warm spot for a moment, causing a chill to run down Scully's cooling body. She reached for the blanket and pulled it over their backs, all the way up to Scully's shoulders. Dana watched her every move, still trying to compute what she had just felt. Stella laid back down in the spot she'd claimed as hers and Scully shifted slightly, turning towards the woman who was so close, yet so out of reach.

Stella, who was also trying to come back to herself, was very intensely aware of the endearment that had left her lips. It was a normal English thing to do, call someone you cared for 'love', and it would be easy for her to get away with it like that. But in truth it came from a much more vulnerable place – a place that had been abandoned a long time ago. She felt Dana pull her closer, even though there couldn't physically be any less space between them – Dana seemed to want to try. A pointless effort, Stella thought, and the idea overwhelmed her for a moment. 'For fuck's sake,' she whispered before she could stop herself. 'Stop it,' she added softly and loosened her grip on Dana a little. Dana met her eyes, a hint of sadness passing across her face. 'Sorry,' Scully whispered and Stella cupped her face with one hand. 'No,' she shook her head lightly, unsure of what she was doing. 'What do you need?' Scully asked softly, knowing she would do anything for Stella right now except let her go. 'I don't know,' Stella answered honestly, 'I don't know.'

So Scully lifted herself up on her elbow, leaning in towards Stella. Guiding her with one hand behind her head Scully pushed Stella down into the pillow, using her body as leverage. Stella resisted for a moment before she gave in, falling and sinking back into the bed with the weight of Dana crawling on top of her. They almost switched positions, with Dana now lying half on top of Stella, her knee between Stella's legs. From her higher position Dana looked down at Stella, studying her face, studying the way her brow lifted and creased a little with emotion. The corner of Stella's mouth curved down a little, and it was these tiny details that Scully tried to memorize more than anything. 'Tell me what you need me to do,' she asked again. Stella blinked openly, her arms locking around Dana's back. She didn't say anything, just continued to pull Dana closer and reached her lips up to Dana's. Scully frowned into the kiss, feeling the gravity of Stella's quivering lip between hers, as she gave in to Stella's pull. She covered Stella's body with hers, moving her lips down Stella's face and neck mirroring what she'd felt done to her own body before. She remembered how Stella felt, how her lips had burned her and ravished her and she knew Stella needed that right now. She would not want to surrender, but Scully wouldn't need her to.

Stella was aware of her mind switching into protective mode. She reached for Dana's arm, finding her hand and directing it down her body. 'I need this,' she said intently through clenched teeth. 'I need you to make me come.' Scully nodded into her breast, her tongue circling Stella's nipple a little rougher than before. She understood where Stella was going with this – if this was about sex, it wouldn't have to be about anything else. Because of course she'd heard what Stella had called her. She had witnessed Stella's reaction to it, and most importantly, her own – for a mere moment she had seen an impossible future and for a moment she had wanted it to become a reality more than anything else. She loved Mulder, of course, always – but he was a rarity, a sunset in autumn, the stars in the sky – You don't expect them to ever admire you the way you do them. They just... Exist, they come and they never really go, but to love them would mean a lifetime of grief. Stella was different. Stella, whose name spoke of sunsets and stars but who was the only thing that wasn't a fantasy right now.


	10. Like Fire

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 10. Like Fire

" _Memory, like fire, is radiant and immutable." ~X-files 3x01_

 _Stella was aware of her mind switching into protective mode. She reached for Dana's arm, finding her hand and directing it down her body. 'I need this,' she said intently through clenched teeth. 'I need you to make me come.' Scully nodded into her breast, her tongue circling Stella's nipple a little rougher than before. She understood where Stella was going with this – if this was about sex, it wouldn't have to be about anything else._

If only for a moment she could forget about tomorrow, Scully thought as her hand travelled down Stella's damp body. If only she could let go of the imminent goodbye they were inevitably running towards and just focus on the sounds coming from the woman underneath her tender touch. However, she couldn't, and as she felt Stella slowly detach herself emotionally she did the same. It became methodical – she knew anatomically how the female body worked, so she could figure out how to make Stella come as quick as possible. She focused her lips and teeth on Stella's nipples as she entered her. Her fingers encountered impossible heat, softness and a clean slickness that struck Scully as a conundrum for a moment. How could this woman still be so put together, so on top of her game even when she was underneath Dana, panting and yearning for release?

She stopped analyzing what she felt as she felt Stella's hands in her hair. 'No,' she managed in between nips and tugs, and her free hand disentangled one of Stella's to force it down next to her. 'No.' Stella understood and from the slight tremble on the second 'no' she knew exactly what was going on in Dana's mind. Surrendering was hard, but sometimes it couldn't be easier, Stella thought as she pressed her eyes shut and focused her attention on the tingle in her belly. Dana was good, and it wouldn't take long for Stella to reach the point she'd thought she needed, the thing she thought would fix her current state of mind. But as Dana's fingers curled inside of her, as they unevenly moved up and down, wriggling a little, driving her crazy with the pressure it put on her G-spot she knew it was all a lie. It wouldn't fix her feelings. It wouldn't fix anything. However, it was too late to stop as Stella accidentally opened her eyes on a breath and caught a glimpse of Scully's tongue teasing her breast, her eyes closed, her brow furrowed slightly in concentration. Scully pressed on, using the thumb on her other hand to touch Stella's clit, feeling her contract deep inside. A moan that seemed to come from deep inside Stella roared to the surface, causing Scully to be pushed up and slightly off the bed with the force of Stella's otherwise quiet orgasm. Her upper body curved upwards, her breasts pressed into Dana's face and her lower body stayed pressed hard against Dana's hand as Stella's orgasm consumed them both. No words were spoken. No endearments were uttered. No age-old brick walls were torn down, nor were any rebuilt in any way. Their hearts remained exposed, vulnerable, susceptible to anything and everything that followed. And what followed was silence.

The room was quiet as two separate entities caught their breath. Stella turned away, facing the room, and Scully felt her heart sink. However, pride kept the shiver from running down her back. Pride kept her arm from reaching out and the tears from falling – This had been a bad idea to start with, it was her own fault for allowing it. She wondered for a moment if she should take Stella's key card out of her bag and sleep in her room – ridiculous, of course, but she considered it anyway as it might be easier than staying here, but in the end she decided against it. Turning on her back she created some distance between her and Stella and she watched from the corner of her eye how the blue and purple hues from outside lit Stella's naked shoulder. Scully tried to listen if Stella was awake or not, but she couldn't say for sure – suddenly it seemed crazy to touch her to find out. A tear formed and started to run in the corner of her eye. As soon as she felt it she knew more would follow – and follow they did, one after the other, a quiet march along her temples down into her hair. She cried quietly as not to disturb Stella, awake or asleep, but she couldn't help the small shudders of her body on the mattress as she mourned for something not yet lost.

On the other side of the bed Stella expected Scully to leave. She expected to feel the weight of Scully's body lifting off the bed. She expected to hear the bathroom door close, or the soft shuffling around of the lounge chair after soft footfalls padded through the room. When neither came Stella battled her own muscles for a minute – She felt the desperate need to put distance between them but her brain knew better than to break that which should not be bent. Dana was important and she should be treated as such. The rest of Stella's problems were Stella's to deal with – and she would, as soon as Dana was gone and New York was nothing but a memory. For now, she just needed to stare into an empty hotel room for a few hours and try to decide what she would say to Dana tomorrow. They had a date, she realized, to be on top of the highest tower in the city tomorrow and she didn't want to ruin that memory – everything she would say tomorrow morning would undoubtedly form that experience. So Stella lay quietly turned away from Dana, breathing as evenly as possible, her mind miles away trying to decide what she could say to Dana to make this better – even though she knew that every second she was turned away from her would make it harder to fix.

' _Stella.'_

 _No, she thought. No, I thought you were gone. 'I'm always here,' the deep voice answered her unsaid thought. 'You put me here and I'm never going to leave.' The room was dark, but Stella recognized it anyway – Room 203, Hilton, Belfast. The air was thick and cold but for once she wasn't on a bed, no, she was standing in the middle of the room. A dark form appeared in front of her, the well-known silhouette of her own personal monster. 'Come,' the voice said as the figure reached for her hand. 'Come and see what I've got for you.' No, Stella thought. I don't want to. She tried turning around to reach the door, but found that she couldn't – all she could do was feel his cold grip around her wrist and move with him towards the bed._

 _The first thing she saw was legs. Long, fair skinned and smooth legs, struggling and kicking to get free. As the form pulled her closer she averted her gaze – but not before a pair of recognizable panties came in to view and above that a whisper of ginger caught her eye. 'No, Stella,' the form urged her. 'Look. She looks so much like you.' Stella tried to close her eyes, tried with all her might to keep from looking at the body on the bed, but to no avail – somehow her eyes pulled towards the bed like a magnet, and she had no choice but to look into a familiar pair of bright blue eyes that screamed with anger and fear._

' _No,' she yelled this time, and the man who was still holding her tightly huffed in amusement. 'Yes,' he said. 'Oh yes, Stella. She is beautiful, isn't she. Such a shame.' Stella felt something inside of her shift as she started to fight with everything she had. She kicked, scratched and punched all around her to get Spector to let her go, but it didn't work – there was such strength and force coming from him that Stella quickly realized the futility of her actions. However she couldn't stop – she wouldn't, she wasn't going to give up. Never. 'Dana,' she whispered involuntarily and Spector pulled her close, his lips to her ear. 'That's right. Dana. Do you know what I'm going to do with Dana, Stella? I'm going to kill her and you're going to watch. That's right,' he said before pushing her down onto the floor. Her head hit the wall hard and even though she felt no pain she was momentarily immobilized. 'No,' she managed again. All she could do was watch as Spector leaned in close to Dana, putting an open hand on her head before slowly dragging it down her face, over the bridge of her nose and down her cheek as his fingers spread out to press against her brows, eyes, pulling and scratching her cheeks and neck._

' _Take me instead,' Stella heard herself mutter._

 _Where before she'd fought to stay alive, today she was going to fight to be killed if it meant that Dana would be safe. She would fight for Dana to live, and she would win, she had to. There was no other possible outcome – this is not how it's going to end, she thought. 'What?' Spector growled at her. 'I didn't hear you.' Stella cleared her throat. 'Take me. Do whatever you want to me, but don't hurt her.' 'Oh,' Spector slurred, 'you think you're going to be the heroine here. Sacrifice yourself. Well, Stella, sometimes it just doesn't work that way. You think you're so smart, but you're not. I'm going to do this and it's going to destroy you. It's what you deserve.' Stella cried and kicked and fought, thinking no, no, this isn't happening. She tried to make eye contact with Dana who was on the bed, but Dana had her eyes closed, her body having gone eerily quiet. 'Fight, Dana,' she tried to yell, but her voice was gone. I'll fight when you can't, she thought, but just as she tried to twist her way out of her invisible restraints she watched how Spector took two hands to Dana's neck and her eyes flew open in despair…_

Scully woke to the sounds and movement of a distraught body next to her. 'No, please,' she heard Stella muffle into the pillow. 'Don't, please, Dana.' Scully turned, her heart reaching out for Stella, knowing the events of a few hours previous had most likely triggered a nightmare – she was vulnerable, her heart open, and that's when the monsters came, she knew from experience. Sitting up next to Stella she put her hands on Stella's shoulders, careful that Stella didn't hurt herself from her position on her stomach. When her touch had no effect she got out of bed, pulled a bath robe on and circled around to where Stella's face was yelling into the pillow, coughing for breath and pitched in fear. 'Stella please,' Scully said a little louder. 'Wake up, come on.' She grabbed Stella's wrist and brought her hand to her lips, hoping that touch would bring Stella out of her current state of mind. Thankfully it helped and Dana watched as Stella slowly calmed down and opened her eyes. 'That's it, you're okay,' she encouraged. 'You're okay.'

'Dana,' Stella whispered and Scully was slightly taken aback by what she saw in Stella's eyes. A fear unlike anything she'd seen Stella reveal before, and the way she grasped her hand told Dana more than anything she could put into words right now. 'Yeah, you had a dream,' Scully said softly. 'I need to write it down,' Stella said slightly urgently, looking around. They were in Scully's room, so of course Stella's dream journal wasn't here – Scully thought it useless to remind Stella so instead she just reached for a note pad she had lying out on the chair next to the window and handed it to Stella. 'I'll grab a glass of water,' she said softly before releasing Stella and standing up. Stella's eyes followed her around the room for a moment, and Scully felt her eyes burn in her back with their intensity. 'I'm okay,' Stella reassured her quickly when Scully looked back over her shoulders in concern. She wrote down a few phrases – nothing too detailed, but enough – before closing the note pad and pushing herself up against the headboard in the middle of the bed, pulling her knees up to hug her legs with her naked, trembling arms. She felt shaky, sweaty and cold at the same time, angry and sad. He was gone, she reminded herself like a mantra over and over again. He's dead. He's gone. He can't hurt you. He can't hurt Dana. He's dead. Gone.

She was still doing this, quietly, her eyes closed and her mouth moving soundlessly when Scully came back with one of the glasses provided by the hotel. 'Here, drink this,' Scully handed it to Stella before sitting down on the edge of the bed by Stella's legs. Stella had pulled the blanket up to cover herself and Scully gently put a hand on one of her arms. 'Do you want to talk about it?' Stella looked her square in the eye and Scully noticed a slight coldness in her gaze. 'Not particularly, no,' Stella said. 'I know this is not what you want to hear,' Scully said, 'But when you get back to England you have to find someone to talk to about this. It's going to eat you up if you don't.' Stella sighed and looked down at her legs, to the places that she knew held scars from long and not so long ago. It was unhealthy, she knew – but what other way to cope was there if everyone else thought you were always fine? 'I know,' she whispered. 'I won't let him.' Scully nodded. She didn't want this case from the past to destroy Stella any more than she wanted to linger there herself. Memory was a powerful thing, she knew, and it scared her to see Stella's nightmares impact her so badly. It separated her from reality, it separated her from finding peace and Scully knew from experience what that could do to a person.

Stella watched her glass of water quietly, trying to gauge Dana's mood and trying to appear unfazed and cold so she wouldn't have to talk about what had just happened. She needed Dana to leave her alone, but she didn't want her to leave – however the intense, unwavering attention Dana was paying her at this moment was uncomfortable in its intention. Dana was there for Stella's comfort. Stella didn't need it, or so she told herself, but Dana was there to give it anyway – to make sure she was okay, to make sure she would be when the day after tomorrow she'd leave and a world would be put between them. Scully's hand fell from her arm and Stella instantly missed the touch, that grounding feeling that she wasn't alone. Maybe she was. Maybe they all were, in the end. And maybe she'd been right all along – love, what an illusion. Still, somewhere in the back of her mind was a voice that said: You can't do this to her. And another voice, a quiet but steady whisper, coming from Dana: You can't do this to yourself. I won't let you. As if Dana heard her inner debate, as if she knew all too well the struggle going on inside Stella's mind and heart she moved to sit next to Stella against the headboard. For a single moment she hesitated, feeling lost in the void between brain and heart. However, Scully knew what she had to do. She pulled Stella close, not giving her any chance to protest or decline an offer, and as she felt two arms wrap around her Stella knew she had to accept this for what it was. A few hours ago their touch had been about denial. Right now it was about acceptance. Maybe that's what I love about you so much, Stella thought. You keep me honest. You won't let me be anyone but myself.

They didn't speak and they didn't need to. Stella's head found comfort and rhythm against Scully's heart as she learned to accept that there was nothing demanding in Scully's comforting touch. She didn't need to prove herself, at least not to Dana, and it was a revelation as well as a pitfall for Stella who had been doing nothing but proving herself all her life. Everything inside of her was screaming: I'll show you I'm strong enough. I'll show you I'm unaffected. I'll show you I'm not as weak as you think. I'll show you who's in control. I'll show you. But Dana heard her, and Dana silenced her. Without words, barely without touch Dana knew exactly what was going on in Stella's mind. And she was scared – what she'd seen in Stella's eyes had terrified her for a moment, because it showed a pain she hadn't seen from Stella before. This quiet, strong and unwavering woman who she'd had such a wondrous time with was still so much of a mystery to her that it unnerved her to see her so upset. Furthermore, the distance Stella had made her feel last night had hurt in a place where she'd thought only one person could hurt her, and he was nowhere to be seen. So even though Scully was glad to have Stella in her arms again she was also scared, afraid of what it all meant. Still, she was happy to be here right now, holding Stella close to her heart as she tried to find some peace within herself. Scully knew what power nightmares held – she'd seen Mulder, herself or her son die in many of them – and she knew how she'd felt all those nights waking up from them alone. Stella wasn't alone, and Scully hoped she could be that constant reminder for her just by holding her, softly landing a kiss in her hair, tightening her hold a little as she felt Stella release a sigh.

Neither of them kept an eye on the time. Little by little the lights outside diminished as people went to bed even though the faint array of colors continued to light up the air around them. Scully left Stella's side only once to get up, gingerly close the curtains and get back in bed, creating something both of them needed but knew they shouldn't have: An excuse to remain in denial. They didn't have to face the outside world, it wasn't there. As long as the curtains were closed and the moon was out they allowed the city to slow down time, and as time seemed to obey Stella felt Dana's pocket universe envelop her. If only for one day, she thought on the verge of sleep, I'll survive one day. I need to have her for one more day. Scully felt Stella slip away, still safely encircled by her arms, Stella's head on her collarbone. She allowed it to happen, knowing that this was mending them even though they didn't know what had been broken. Scully thought back to how she and Mulder used to not talk about what happened between them and how it had broken them, was still breaking them up to this point – and she promised herself not to do this to Stella. Their day had been too perfect and Scully had realized pretty clearly that there was something inherently unique about their relationship that she hadn't dared to name, but seeing the fear in Stella's eyes and hearing it in her voice had told Scully that she knew it as well. Stella wasn't a very open person, and neither was Scully, and she knew that this was a problem. However, there was only one way in which this was going to have any kind of resolution: If their future was going to be any kind of hopeful they needed to be truthful about their feelings for each other, and if that was going to happen Scully knew she needed to be the first one to address it. She didn't know if she had words in her vocabulary clear enough to explain to Stella how she felt but she knew she'd have to try. That last thought drifted through her brain until all she could see and feel was Stella, until finally sleep captured her as well.

A few hours later Scully woke up. Cold, she thought – she didn't remember going to sleep feeling cold. Then, she realized she was sitting up – in bed – Alone. There was a faint light coming from the bathroom and outside the sun was starting to come up. The curtains were open, didn't she close them? Scully was still trying to put everything together when she heard Stella come out of the bathroom, a bathrobe loosely waving around her body. 'I didn't mean to wake you,' she said hoarsely. Scully felt something inside her shiver with fear and regret at the sound of Stella's voice and the look in her eye as she avoided looking at Scully. It was clear she'd been crying. 'You didn't, I think,' Scully answered with a small smile. 'Come back to bed, it's early.' Stella shook her head lightly as she started collecting her clothes where they had been abandoned yesterday. 'I think I'm going for a swim before we leave, if you still want to go, that is,' she answered. 'I do, but you really have to come back to bed for a minute,' Scully urged. Something in her voice made Stella look up from her work – she'd been avoiding Scully's eyes since she exited the bathroom because she knew there was no hiding from Dana's mindpowers. She suspected she'd be toast the moment Dana looked into her eyes, and alas, she was.

'Please tell me what's wrong,' Dana pleaded as she caught Stella's worrying eyes. Sighing deeply Stella abandoned her clothes on a chair and wrapped the bathrobe around her waist, tying the belt before sitting on the edge of the bed. 'Is your back sore?' she deflected effectively, noticing Dana's slight hunch. 'It's fine,' Scully answered. 'Is yours?' Stella smiled. 'A little, and not in a good way.' Dana looked her in the eye just a moment beyond comfort. 'Don't do that.' 'Do what?' Stella said softly, breaking eye contact. Scully scooted a little closer, searching for Stella's gaze. 'Don't make this about sex.' Stella smiled and frowned at the same time, a look Scully had come to associate with a conflict in Stella's mind. Please stay strong, one side was yelling at her. Please let her in, the other was crying out. This morning her defenses just weren't as strong as they used to be and Stella felt her heart buckle under the pressure of Dana's intense softness. She looked up, daring to meet Dana's eyes, knowing she'd be lost to their infinite wisdom, but deciding that was the only thing she wanted. 'Sorry,' she whispered. Scully just allowed her this moment, knowing that Stella was learning as well even though she tried not to show it. 'Just don't leave,' she pleaded after a few seconds and Stella couldn't do anything but crawl back onto the bed and let Scully take the place that Stella had been in all night.

A few minutes later Scully pushed herself up and looked up at Stella. 'When is your flight?' she asked tentatively. She didn't want to put any pressure on their time here but she needed to know how much they had left. 'It doesn't matter,' Stella said softly, searching Scully's face with her eyes. She tucked a lock of Scully's morning bed hair behind her ear and allowed her hand to linger. 'But it does,' Scully answered. 'It matters to me.' Stella released Dana from her grasp and stood up from the bed, gathering her clothes again to go and get dressed. 'Tomorrow evening,' she answered from a distance. 'But I'm sure arrangements can be made.' 'No,' Scully said. 'I think it's good, we need to get back to our normal lives. In order to be rational about this we need to go home.' Stella knew it was true, she'd concluded the same thing, but it bothered her how much hearing the actual words hurt her. 'I know,' she just answered before disappearing into the bathroom. Scully decided to get out of bed as well, and for the first time today she noticed the sun. It was promising to be a beautiful day as soft hues of pink and red were starting to appear between the skyscrapers, the sun's first kiss to the day. Stella exited the bathroom just as Scully had decided what to wear, and she was happy to notice no tears this time. Stella looked better, calmer, and she regarded Scully for a moment before speaking. 'I'm going to pop down to my room to get ready,' she said and Dana nodded. 'See you in thirty minutes?' Stella smiled. 'Yes.' She looked Dana over for a moment before turning to leave the room. 'Stella?' Dana called as she approached quietly. As Stella turned, a question on her face, she felt Dana's hands come up to her face and clasp it softly before gingerly pressing their lips together, their mouths soft and lips smiling in relief. As Stella broke the kiss she tried to keep a neutral face but she knew her lips gave her away. 'Good morning,' Scully said softly. 'Good morning, love,' Stella answered and with a raise of her eyebrow turned to leave.

About one hour later they were on the subway, having eaten a quick breakfast on the go and finishing their morning coffees on the train. As they neared Fulton St Station Scully felt the air between them slowly tense up again. 'You're so quiet,' she said to Stella in an attempt to open up a conversation. 'Hm,' Stella just replied as she moved towards the door. It was a rush hour train down to Wall Street, so of course it was crowded and there were bodies everywhere eavesdropping on their conversation but Scully really didn't care. 'Stella, please,' she said a little more urgently. 'Just tell me what I can do.' She instinctively knew it wasn't something she had done or said, it was just the gravity of their situation that was weighing down on Stella as it had been on her. Scully was just in a different state of mind, desperately looking for their human connection. She too wasn't coping well, but she knew time went by too quickly as it was, and she didn't want to waste it by not communicating with the woman who had made this trip so special. Stella looked at her, head turned down towards the floor but her eyes focused on Scully's. 'You can come here and let me show you how good the world can be,' Stella said softly and Scully sighed, breaking eye contact. 'Okay, just promise me you'll be there with me.' Stella reached out and took her hand, leading her onto the platform as the doors opened. 'I will,' she said simply. Scully clutched Stella's hand and exited the train after her, following Stella through the subway station up onto the street. They came up onto Broadway and Scully marveled once more at how Stella seemed to know exactly where to go. She followed her through the masses, flowing waves of people ahead and behind making her feel small and singled out at the same time. Stella navigated the crowds effortlessly and soon they were right in front of the tower. Scully had been here before, of course – she'd visited the 9/11 memorial site a number of times but she'd never taken the time to go up in the tower. Why she couldn't remember, it hadn't been something she wanted to do, but right now it was the only thing that seemed right. She followed Stella, still holding her hand, around the building to the entrance on the west side. They passed the memorial pools and Stella glanced back at her for a moment to make sure she didn't want to spend a few minutes there, but Scully reassured her with a smile and a squeeze of her hand. As they got to the doors Scully saw a few groups of people gathering, tourists no doubt, waiting to go in. 'Come on,' Stella said, taking Scully to the door. They quickly got their tickets and joined the queue that was forming, waiting to go in. It didn't take long for the doors to open and for the guards to allow people to enter.

About fifteen minutes later Scully grasped Stella's hand again as they watched a video on one of the top floors. It was the music that got to her first, but the moment the panels in front of them moved away to reveal New York below them she gasped. Stella leaned back into her a little and Scully felt how she laced their fingers together. 'It's beautiful,' she whispered as they listened to what the audio had to say. The sun was still slowly rising and the entire sky was a myriad of grey, blue and gold and the city was clouded by a morning mist. Stella kept their hands clasped together as she lead Dana past the picture point onto the platform where the views were the best. They were the first ones there, Stella having ushered them past a few others down onto the escalators. Scully felt Stella's hand on the small of her back and Stella's hair against her ear as they walked towards the windows. 'Look,' Stella whispered in awe. 'Isn't it gorgeous?' It really was and Scully felt tears come to her eyes. They had a few precious seconds to themselves up here before the first of the other guests started to come up, and they took full advantage of it by walking to the windows farthest from the stairs. Scully put her arm around Stella's lower back as well, pulling her in close to savor the moment together. 'This is so nice,' she said softly. 'Nice?' Stella mocked jokingly. 'Come on, you can do better than nice.' Scully looked at her, searching Stella's face while looking for and gambling on the right words. 'It's breathtaking, love,' she whispered with a trembling voice. Stella, who had bravely held her gaze, blinked slowly and a careful smile spread around her lips. There it was again, Dana thought, that little crinkle of tense skin between Stella's perfect brows. It had appeared there before, often in times when they hadn't needed any words. Right now, however, words were exactly what they needed as it seemed to be the only thing anchoring them to reality. 'It really is,' Stella acknowledged, still not backing down from Dana's open stare. 'I can't think of a more perfect way to spend a sunrise than here, with you.' It was a quiet confession, a truth so out there that Stella almost hadn't been brave enough to say it – but now that she had she felt free. Scully nodded slowly, her gaze still glued to Stella's, as Stella witnessed a similar crease on Dana's forehead prelude a tear running down her cheek.

As people started to gather around them, Stella and Scully found a little niche to create their own reality – somewhere in the North West corner of the 102nd floor of the highest building in New York they leaned against the windows and against each other as they came back to each other. Stella pointed out where they had walked yesterday and Scully quietly observed as she felt Stella slowly settle in her personal space. She had been gone for a little while, strong, courageous but sensitive and vulnerable Stella, but she was slowly starting to emerge again and Scully had no intention of letting her go again until they absolutely had to, and that wasn't for at least another 24 hours. As Scully leaned against the window sill she angled her body towards Stella, her hand coming to rest on the curve of Stella's lower back as Stella's shoulder planted itself firmly against Scully's collarbone. Simultaneously they released a deep sigh, the tension from last night evaporating before their eyes like the morning mist that clouded New York's tallest buildings. The sun started to shine again, slowly but surely rising above and beyond any lingering clouds and Scully couldn't help but feel the significance. They were quiet, listening to the crowds around them, watching the city emerge from the night as people came and went everywhere next to them. It created a strange form of privacy, with people from all over the world around them but all of them having a unique experience. Their moment was theirs alone, as was their entire story, and Scully hoped it would never lose its significance.

After about an hour of small shifts and a million of tiny, reassuring touches Scully turned to face Stella. 'It's a miracle the guards haven't kicked us out yet,' she said softly, her chin raised to Stella's. 'They know better,' Stella replied confidently. 'Besides, do we look suspicious to you?' 'Not in a bad way,' Scully smiled. 'Don't make this about sex, agent Scully,' Stella joked and raised herself to stand up from Scully's shoulder. Scully blushed slightly but didn't back away from Stella's gaze. Slowly she moved in to kiss Stella, intending for it to be a soft, sweet kiss. When she released Stella's lips she felt Stella's gaze wonder over her face before she felt Stella's hands caress her cheeks. Softly Stella pushed Dana back into the wall and kissed her harder, more passionately, more meaningful than before. Scully could feel the attention of some eyes in the room turn on them but she didn't mind it, she found she really didn't care. Stella kept the kiss short and broke away when she must have felt Scully blush, roaming her expression and eyes for a moment to make sure Dana wasn't ashamed or uncomfortable. Scully however met her eyes bravely. 'Please don't disappear again,' she whispered softly to Stella. 'I won't, I promise,' Stella responded before dropping her gaze to the floor. 'It's a coping mechanism, I know,' Scully reassured her. 'But we've got so little time left, I need you to be present.' Stella looked up again and Scully saw the change in her eyes. 'Life passes in moments,' Stella said, a rough edge to her voice. 'Some moments will stay with you forever, the good and the bad. What we chose to do with them and the power we give them is up to us.' Scully nodded, took Stella's hand again and led her to wander the floor to the other side of the observatory. 'The brain has a way of remembering the bad things, though,' she said. 'Unless we can deal with it and accept it we'll never be free of it.' Stella just followed her quietly for a second. 'What do you dream about at night, Dana?' Stella asked tentatively as they reached the other side of the floor. Looking out across the Brooklyn Bridge Scully sighed. 'Death,' she answered honestly. 'And alternative paths in life. Choices I that I could not control that have shaped who I am.' Stella looked at her, taking her place just behind Scully's right shoulder again. 'Do you regret a lot of choices you've made?' she asked. 'Some, yes,' Scully answered, 'but in the end, I wouldn't want to change a thing. I've had amazing and unique experiences that I wouldn't want to miss for the world.' Stella nodded, her chin touching Scully's shoulder blade. She didn't reply, decided to not volunteer any information about her own choices and Scully noticed it but decided to let it go. She knew she was stretching Stella's emotional involvement as it was and the last thing she needed was for Stella to retreat again. 'Do you still want to walk the bridge?' she asked instead. 'The weather looks nice enough,' Stella said. 'If you're up for it, I called in a favor and I'd like to take you somewhere.' Scully raised an eyebrow at her. 'How can I say no?' 'You can't, that's the plan,' Stella smiled.


	11. Bridges Between Us

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 11.

Bridges Between Us

After a quick stop at Starbucks they decided to walk the short distance to the bridge. For a few minutes they debated whether to walk it now or save it for later, but Scully quickly commented that they might be too tired later today and Stella agreed, so they made their way to City Hall Park and onto the Brooklyn Bridge. It was a long walk, crowded with a lot of tourists and some locals trying to pass, but it was sunny and the company was good so they soon relaxed and just casually strolled up the bridge at their own pace, they weren't in any rush after all.

Stella had called one of her local acquaintances yesterday during a bathroom break and had told him she was in town and wanted to show someone a special view. He owned one of the buildings on the waterside of Brooklyn, right by the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridge and he'd been happy to provide access to the rooftop since they had known each other for a long time and they had helped each other out before. Also, she suspected he still had a thing for her so she knew that might have helped as well, although she wasn't interested it still was a plus. Stella hadn't told Dana about this because she wanted it to be a surprise, one last thing they did together before they would have to leave. It was a bittersweet feeling, because the day was so beautiful but it had a dark edge. Somehow she felt herself drift towards that inevitable end, no grip or firm hold on her true feelings. She just felt like she was moving along at a steady pace towards a black hole, no possibility of stopping, no intention to try. It felt like the time they did have left was more precious that way – if she didn't try to prolong it, it felt like there was less pressure. Next to her, however, she felt a growing anxiety coming from Dana who seemed to desperately be hanging on to every second. She had asked Stella a couple of times to be present today, to stay in the moment with her, and there was really nothing Stella wanted to do more but it just meant they were approaching the darkness together. She was afraid Dana didn't see it coming and wouldn't be prepared when it finally hit, but she also knew from what little history they had shared that there had been pain in Dana's past. She just hated knowing that she'd be the cause of it this time. Also, in realizing this Stella found another truth: She'd be hurt as well, but she'd be able to deal with it, she always had. With her head held high she'd go out and find a way to deal with the pain, the loneliness, and before long she would be able to hide her pain from everyone including herself. Dana however would always have this pain close to the surface, readable in her eyes like every other thing that had happened to her and it would suit her, but it would hurt her and Stella didn't want to dwell on it too long. She knew it wasn't within her power to help Dana but it was within her nature to try and the fact that Dana was the first person she'd loved in this way in a very long time was not doing anything to ease her worry.

Still as Stella slowly wandered along the Brooklyn Bridge with Dana by her side she felt a sense of peace. The weather was beautiful, just cold enough for the long blazer jacket she'd picked out to go over her blouse and warm enough for Dana's loosely knitted sweater to be worn without a coat. They linked arms, Scully looping through Stella's right arm and matching her speed. Scully hid her chin in the roll neck on her jumper and sighed deeply. 'Cold?' Stella asked, glancing to her right. 'Not in the slightest,' Dana replied. 'I'm curious to see where you're taking me.' Stella smiled. 'Don't get too excited, you'll be disappointed.' 'I doubt that,' Scully said. 'I can't believe I've also never done this before.' 'You mean walk the Bridge?' Stella said. 'You didn't have a reason, I guess,' she answered her own question. 'But I think that goes for many first experiences.' Scully looked down for a moment and smiled at her feet, grateful for their privacy in the crowd. 'So,' Stella continued, 'How do you like our date so far? How have I done?' Scully looked over to her left, studying Stella's profile for a moment. She couldn't read it, but she liked the calmness she saw in it. 'Like I said before, breathtaking,' she replied. A silence followed as both women's minds traveled back to that special moment when Scully had called Stella 'love'. Stella knew she had meant to provoke a conversation, and she'd intently avoided it before but now she felt like she needed to say something. 'It's been a long time since I've cared for someone the way I care for you,' she started and she felt Scully focus her attention fully without looking at her. Her arm tensed slightly around Stella's and her shoulders squared a little, and all Stella wanted to do was comfort her, tell her no, it's all right. It's just good things I'm about to say. However she knew Dana didn't need mothering and she had more important things to say so she soldiered on. 'It's been... Close to fifteen years, I think, since I've last told someone I loved them. It nearly killed me in the end.' Dana stopped and turned towards Stella, their arms still linked. 'You don't have to do this,' she said as if she knew what Stella was about to say. 'I do,' Stella answered bravely, sighing deeply before continuing her path up the bridge. Scully followed her lead, pulling her a little closer than before, grasping Stella's lower arm with her right hand as well. 'You've seen the scars,' Stella said softly. 'So you know how I coped with the pain. They date back to high school but it continued well after that.' 'I've seen them, yes,' Dana replied. 'But I've also seen you cope in other ways. Back in the park you were so strong hiding your feelings from me, swallowing them up and powering through. I know how strong you are.' Stella huffed. 'It's not strength, it's weakness. It's all still there, it's just hidden. I suppose I'll find out soon enough how well I've hidden it.' Scully stopped again. They'd reached one of the arches and Stella felt Dana guide her to one of the walls, sitting her down on a bench there. Stella had hoped they could keep walking – the intensity of her feelings needed to be directed out into the world, not directly at Dana because then she couldn't pretend she was just saying things. Stella needed a kind of anonymity in this moment, the kind she wouldn't get here on this bench and it was slightly scary.

Scully watched Stella as she sat down and instantly saw the flicker of despair in her eyes. 'Look,' she said. 'We'll see each other again. We'll keep in touch. It won't be goodbye if we don't want it to be.' Stella nodded slowly before turning to Dana. 'And we'll slowly lose touch, creating but distant memories in our mind and body that will resurface when we don't want them to. I know, I've been there. What I need you to know and remember from all of this is that you are the first person in a long time to make me realize I'm capable of this kind of love,' she said to Dana. 'I don't mean to say I love you because I can't, but I will call you my love because it's the best I can do.' Scully looked at her for a moment, trying to fully understand what Stella had just said. Sometimes it was hard, navigating the deep psychological maze that was Stella's words and eyes, the mixed signals they sent and the truths they spoke of, but somehow she'd gotten pretty good at it over the past three days. She knew Stella wouldn't say this if it weren't true. She also knew it must take a lot of trust and bravery from her to open up on a day like today where everything mattered and everything felt new. Last night they had hit their first obstacle, a moment of detachment where they had both needed each other but turned away, and after that everything had felt frail and thin as a newly frozen lake. However this conversation was much needed and wanted for both of them, because it meant they could finally try and tell each other how they felt and have their doubts disappear like morning ice on a sunrise. Scully understood what Stella had said, she doubted if Stella was capable of saying she loved anyone because it made her feel vulnerable beyond comfort or imagination and Scully respected that. She and Mulder had taken a very long time to say the words, and when they had, it hadn't felt the way she had wanted or expected it to. She didn't need Stella to say it, she just needed a little clarity before they would inevitably separate. She felt rushed, unable to grasp the moment and cherish it. Talking to Stella like this and being truthful to her and to herself might help her to at least slow her down a little. 'I told you before I'm in a relationship and that it's not the healthiest relationship,' she started. 'I don't know where it's going and I'm not sure how I want to continue. And even though I don't know how often we'll see each other or if we'll get to talk a lot I know you changed my life. I wanted this to be a break, a vacation of some sorts because I needed it and at that moment this happened. I would never have thought about doing the things we did if it weren't for you. You've shown me parts of myself I've neglected for a long time and it's time to refocus on myself.' Stella looked at Dana while she talked, taking note of the way her eyes seemed to trace lines from Stella's to the brick wall behind them and back across Stella's face. She knew the sacrifice Scully was making, and she appreciated her all the more for it. 'It sounds strange but I've felt since the first day we met that I understand you,' Scully ended. 'It's a little weird but I think it's why we get along so well.' 'I'd say we do more than get along,' Stella smiled softly. Scully returned the smile and stood to start walking again. 'We do, and you're very important to me.' Stella looped her arm through Dana's this time as they continued their way up the bridge. Their conversation went on, without words, but their minds stayed in touch as both of them went over the events of the past few days. 'You do know that my icy exterior can be a form of protection, don't you,' Stella stated after a while. 'I do,' Scully said softly. 'And I understand it if that's how you deal with this. I just need to know that it's meant more to you than just sex.' Stella stopped her this time, turning Scully around to face Manhattan's skyline. 'Do you see that?' she asked, hear head just behind Dana's. Dana nodded as she felt Stella's breath on her ear. 'That's a view that people would die to see. People dream of coming here and never get to go. This morning I came close to asking you not to go out, because I wanted to spend the day in a hotel room talking to you. We're in New York, for fuck's sake, and I don't care one bit. I just wanted to get to know you better.' 'Then why didn't you?' Dana challenged, softly, because she knew. 'Because we don't have that luxury,' Stella replied intently. 'I could spend a week just sitting next to you talking about our lives, past and future but the more I know the more I'll want.' Dana turned around, finding herself between the bridge's fence and Stella's body. She wasn't trapped, but she felt she wanted to be as she pulled Stella in a little closer. 'I would have said yes,' Scully said and kissed Stella softly before relaxing a little into the touch. Stella kissed her back, the tip of her tongue lightly teasing Scully's lips before she pulled back. 'That's why I didn't ask,' Stella replied and this time she grasped Dana's hand, clasping their fingers together before burying their hands in her coat pocket. 'Let's keep going, we have an appointment to keep,' Stella teased.

About half an hour later they were descending the stairs leading them back onto the street. Stella had released Dana's hand as she had lead the way down, finding herself immediately miss Dana's warmth. She was still debating whether it was time to learn to live without or if she could allow herself the simple pleasure for a little longer when Dana came up next to her again and sought out Stella's hand in her pocket. A smile crossed Stella's face. 'Come on,' she said softly, guiding Dana through traffic to the other side of the road. It had occurred to Dana on the way down that their hands had been the thing that had connected them throughout this whole experience – they had held hands for the first time through Central Park, and even back then Dana had already known what was developing. Now, not even that much later, it seemed like a lifetime of experiences, love and pain had been shared even if had only been three days, and it had all happened while they were holding hands. Scully had never been much of a hand holder, but with Stella it seemed like the only fitting way to quietly tell her she was still there. Also, Stella's hands felt small and dainty in hers and it gave her a sense of strength and empowerment and she loved it, because it made her feel equal and not like an accessory like holding a man's hand sometimes did. Holding Stella's inside of her coat pocket was saving her right now, keeping her grounded and the moment real and she wasn't ready to let that go. She followed Stella through a few streets down to Washington Street, where the iconic sight of the Manhattan Bridge towering above the Empire State Building greeted them in the autumn sun. Scully still had no idea where they were going and she pulled Stella a little closer as they kept walking quietly through the small streets that made up this area of Brooklyn. Stella took Scully to the park covering the riverbank, wandering along the small footpaths laid out along the water. She pulled her to the side only once, to softly kiss Dana's hand before pointing out a view, and after that little show of intimacy she released Dana's hand to give her some space. Stella had never thought of herself as clingy – in fact, that was the last thing she wanted to be and even though their time here was limited and ticking away by the second Stella felt it become more and more important to remember who she was before all of this. Soon enough she'd be alone again and although she'd dreaded it before she had never felt the suffocating feeling of darkness loom as heavy right along the edge of her vision like it was starting to every quiet second they were walking together. She knew that to withdraw was the complete opposite of what Dana had asked of her, but she'd seen the darkness before and in the end this was about her own survival. Where today was light, tomorrow felt dark and lonely and Stella knew that if she went in unprepared she'd suffer greatly, so she let go of Dana's hand and took the lead down a path towards a Pebble Beach. She was taking a bit of a detour to her destination, the feeling of missing out scaring her more than the pressure of time. She had become a master of getting the most out of limited time and even if she wasn't particularly proud of that skill it did come in handy sometimes.

Scully followed Stella down the path, knowing this area of Brooklyn a little she knew the wonderful spots that were hidden here. She'd been to the theatre here once, when it had just opened, and she remembered walking along these paths later at night, alone, with lights all around her. Now, there was only one light, and it was Stella who was guiding her along to a destination still unbeknownst to Scully. 'Where are we going?' she dared to ask. 'I feel like you're stalling.' Stella glanced back and their eyes met shortly before Stella focused her sight back on the path ahead. 'I'm not, I'm just enjoying walking here with you.' 'It's okay,' Dana replied because she knew it wasn't the truth, 'I wasn't complaining, I like it.' Stella stopped and turned, and the vulnerability in her eyes hit Dana square in the heart. 'I don't know how to let you go,' Stella said softly. 'I know you want me to worry about that later and I know you need me to be here with you but I'm afraid. Tomorrow I'm going to sit on a plane for eight hours flying further and further away from you and I don't know how to do that.' Scully searched Stella's eyes for more of an answer but there wasn't any, and that was the biggest answer of all. She sighed. 'I've spent a long time trying to run away from feelings,' she started, 'but what I've found is that if you do, and things get bad, there's just going to be more regrets. We can spend a lifetime running but the best moments come when we dare to stop.' Stella blinked at her, her face betraying a ferocious grip on self-control but also a deep blue desire to let go. 'I haven't learned how myself,' Scully said on a sad smile, 'but I know I can't do today alone and I want you with me.' Stella nodded, her gaze slowly softening to the woman in front of her. 'I'm trying,' she said and her voice betrayed everything her face hadn't. Scully pursed her lips in understanding before reaching for Stella's hand again. 'Come on, silly, show me where you were taking me.'

Their hands stayed out in the open and Stella was honored that Scully didn't seem to mind. She caught the redhead glancing down at them a few times but never did she flinch or hesitate when they encountered other people. Stella felt proud to show Scully off to the world, even though she wasn't hers to begin with. It was a bittersweet and new emotion that was soon to be crushed as tomorrow was still coming for them one second at a time. Still, Stella felt a little better knowing that Scully understood her struggle and seemed to accept her emotional limitations and shortcomings. They were close to the building she was meeting Liam at, and she knew Scully would appreciate what was waiting for them. They walked under the Manhattan Bridge to the small park there, and they were met with a slightly more industrial environment as the area was clearly still being redeveloped. Stella loved this about New York, it was never finished although it was always ready. Kind of like life, she thought, as she gently pulled Scully towards the front door of the glass building.

Stella opened the door and gestured for Scully to go inside. Scully didn't recognize the building and had no idea what was inside. There was a reception desk, white and crisp, and a few people who looked like they belonged there were talking to the receptionist. It looked quite corporate, Scully thought, and she couldn't help but smile as she saw a good looking man approach Stella with open arms. 'Stella!' the man called. 'How great to see you, how are you?' 'Good, Liam, good,' Stella answered. 'It's nice to see you again.' Stella hugged him shortly and pulled back, gesturing towards Dana. 'This is Dana Scully, Dana, this is Liam. He's a former agent and now runs financial investigations for us here in the United States.' Scully raised an eyebrow. 'Don't worry,' Liam said in what Scully thought was an Irish accent with a touch of Brooklyn, 'Nothing secretive or dangerous. Just having a little fun with the bankers.' Scully smiled and extended her hand. 'Nice to meet you,' she said and Liam shook her hand. He had a firm touch and Scully understood why Stella seemed to like him. 'Stella never graces me with a visit unless she needs something from me,' Liam said, 'but still I'm glad you're here.' Stella regarded him, appearing slightly annoyed to Scully's trained eye. 'I never needed anything from you,' she said, the tone of her voice cautioning Liam but apparently challenging him as well. 'Well, you did have a thing for me back in the day,' he teased but Stella wasn't too amused. 'You seem to confuse infatuation with professional interest,' she stated, 'and it's good to see you're still handling the rejection well.' Liam raised his eyebrows in recognized defeat before taking a step back, the smile around his lips betraying his amusement. 'So,' he said, 'You're here to get on the roof, aren't you.' Scully looked at Stella, who cocked her head to the side and pursed her lips at Liam. 'There goes that surprise,' she said mildly sarcastic and Liam grinned. 'Right, you mentioned that it was a surprise. Sorry.' Stella knew Liam had probably spoiled it on purpose, to get under her skin, and that was exactly the reason she had never wanted or taken anything from Liam that wasn't strictly professional. He was a risk taker, like herself, but he lacked the personal restraint she depended on for her survival. He would always challenge her and go just a tad bit too far, to that point where Stella wasn't actually in control, and even though it had been tempting back in the day Liam had already had alarm bells all around him. Still she'd built a friendship and professional relationship with him that lasted throughout the years, even though they hardly communicated beyond the occasional e-mail or phone call if they were going to be traveling. Stella had seen Liam maybe three times in the past five years and ever since he had moved to New York she had rarely thought about him. Still, it was good to see him and she was glad she remembered his graciously cheeky personality correctly.

'Let's go then,' Liam led the way towards the elevators. 'Here is the key, there's someone up there who will take your order if you would like anything to drink.' He handed Stella a key, apparently to the rooftop, and gestured for them to get in the lift. 'You can stay up there as long as you like. I'll come and check on you in a bit.' He winked at Stella and left them alone. 'Rooftop, huh,' Scully leaned in and whispered to Stella. 'It was supposed to be a surprise,' Stella whispered back. 'He seems like a handful,' Scully said. 'He is,' Stella agreed. 'I've known him for years and it's good to see him again, but I'm standing by my decision to keep things from becoming personal with him.' 'I can see why,' Scully said, 'although I can imagine it being a challenge, he is quite handsome.' 'I suppose,' Stella said, 'but it's about more than that.' Scully nodded. 'I know. So, he owns the building? Or does he just work here?' Stella smiled. 'He thinks he owns the building. He owns the company and he is using it to house different departments, and he also re-purposed the top floor into a company lunchroom with a view. You'll see what I mean when we get up there.' As if on cue the elevator pinged and announced their arrival on the top floor. The doors opened into a light but industrial café, with large wooden beams running across the ceiling and all different kinds of chairs and tables everywhere. Scully understood the style immediately, although it clashed with the reception a little she could imagine people coming here for lunch and enjoying their break. She followed Stella, who greeted the bar personnel like she knew them, through a few rows of tables to a door at the back of the building. Using the key she unlocked it and opened the door, leading Scully onto the roof. There was a wooden path laid out to guide them through a maze of a few air conditioning units and other mechanical setups and Scully bit her lip in amusement – it was clearly not their final destination but she loved how Stella seemed to rush through it. As they reached the corner Stella stopped and gestured for Scully to continue. 'Go ahead, ms Scully,' she said proudly. Scully looked at her for a second before turning the corner.

What she found there would stay with her through many hard times to come. Seldom had someone surprised her like this, and even though it wasn't in her nature to be stunned by things the sight in front of her had her glued in the spot for a second.

Before her was a terrace, neatly paved with a few plants and trees and tables and benches set up for comfort. The rooftop was lined by a glass wall that reached all the way down to the floor, giving the illusion of no railing as it gave free view to the left of the Manhattan Bridge and many of New York's most famous buildings beyond that. To the right Scully could see all the way along the river past the Williamsburg Bridge, and she could say it was truly the best view she had ever seen. Even this morning's experience was topped, because this was so much more special, more personal and to know that Stella wanted to share this place with her made it incredible. The sun shone brightly and the wind caught her hair as she turned back towards Stella, who was leaning against the wall, watching her. 'Come here,' Dana said and reached back for her. Stella pushed herself off the wall and walked towards Dana. Scully took Stella's face in her hands and kissed her hard, not knowing how to put her feelings into words. Stella felt Dana's lips catch hers, her tongue pushing past Stella's lips into her accepting mouth. 'Thank you,' she whispered in between, and Stella shook her head lightly. 'Kiss me,' she just answered between touches.

When they finally broke apart Stella caught Dana glancing to the windows behind them. 'Don't worry about them,' Stella said as she walked towards the glass. 'It's none of their business.' Scully followed Stella to stand next to her on the edge of the building. She looked down into the small park below them where a dog was playing with a ball and people were sitting, walking and jogging. 'How often have you been here?' Scully asked, still in awe. 'Just a few times. You're the first person I bring up here with me.' 'It's very special,' Scully said, moving towards the right side of the building to overlook more of Brooklyn. There was a wooden bench with outdoor pillows, and suddenly Scully's legs felt tired. 'Sit with me,' she gestured to Stella who was still on the other side. 'In a minute,' Stella answered, and that's when Scully understood. This was the one place where Stella could think clearly. Scully had a few of those, but they were sacred and rare, and she knew the importance of having places like this if one's mind wasn't enough. So she nodded and let Stella be for a while as she sat down on the bench and tried to memorize all the buildings she saw. This was a place and time she never wanted to forget.

Stella saw how Dana turned away and gave her a moment and it made her want to be at her side even more. However she knew she had to take a minute, take in the view and think back to the times she'd been here and how it had helped her. This place was like a rock to her, something she'd always have to fall back on when at times life got too much to bear, she could always book a ticket and come here. She never did, but it was a comfort to know it was a possibility. She had cried here before, shouted and cursed and she'd said goodbye to parts of herself here on this rooftop. She hadn't actually realized it before coming here but it was true – she wanted to show this to Dana because this place represented the best and worst parts of her.

Only when she turned around to go to Dana did she realize there were tears running down her cheeks. Wiping them away she sniffed before joining Dana, who turned towards her. 'Did it help?' she asked softly. Stella smiled without looking at Dana. 'Yes. I didn't mean to cry.' 'It's okay,' Scully said and Stella heard something else in Dana's voice. Meeting her eyes she saw that Dana too had been crying. 'Are you okay?' she asked, slightly worried. Scully nodded. 'I understand what this place means to you and it's an honor to be here with you. Thank you.' Stella leaned in and kissed Scully softly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear before looking behind them. 'I'm going to see if I can get us something to drink,' she said and Scully watched as Stella stood and walked back towards the windows. A gesture followed and soon a waiter appeared from the side of the building. Stella exchanged some words with him before turning back to Scully. 'I told him to bring us lunch and fuck off,' she smiled. 'Not in those words, I hope,' Scully grinned. 'He got the point,' Stella answered.

Ten minutes later the waiter appeared with a bottle of wine and two burgers, causing Scully to raise an eyebrow at Stella. 'It's my favorite,' Stella said and put a plate in front of Dana. She thanked the waiter and Scully watched him leave before they were alone again. She saw the lights go out inside and she frowned for a moment. 'What about the company staff?' she asked. Stella shrugged. 'The sixth floor cafeteria is perfectly acceptable. And don't worry, if we need more wine I know where to find it.' 'My God,' Scully said, feeling a little elated. 'Either you're paying Liam or he is way in your debt.' 'Oh, neither,' Stella answered. 'He just thinks he has some power over me and he likes to think I owe him. I like to take advantage of his urge to show off. He knows it and doesn't care.' She watched how Dana raised an eyebrow and accepted Stella's statement. 'Ok,' she said, and took a bite of the burger.

It didn't take long for both of them to finish their burgers because they had been walking for a while, building up an appetite without being aware of it. As Scully finished the last of her bun Stella poured wine into two glasses, handing one to Dana. 'To us,' she stated, and Dana shook her head softly in wonder. 'To us. Let us never forget this experience.' 'Oh, I won't,' Stella reassured her. Their glasses touched and for a moment Stella and Dana were lost in their own thoughts as they sipped the wine.

Scully thought back to the day before she'd left for New York. She had been ready to leave for a few days, needing to get away from Mulder and his toxic influence that was starting to get to her again. She had left before, at a time like this, but she'd inevitably found her way back. There was no doubt in her mind that she'd go back to him, she always did, however this time she'd be a little different. There would be a lot to talk about and he'd undoubtedly be hurt and confused, but he deserved the truth. Eight years ago she had decided to leave because she had seen no other option but it had only taken her three weeks to find her way back to him. Ever since that day they'd had their own places, an apartment downtown and an unremarkable house that was home to both of them. She lived wherever she felt like staying but she still found herself in their house most of the time, and even if it was the one place out of the two where she wasn't alone it was where she felt the loneliest. Although Scully thought about it a lot it had been a very long while since they'd actually discussed their relationship and what it meant to them. The thought of leaving Mulder was unbearable yet it was something that was on her mind daily. Who was she if they weren't Scully and Mulder? She loved him, without a doubt, but somehow they had grown too comfortable in not communicating that Scully wasn't even sure he knew who she was anymore. He never paid attention to her anymore, never actually looked at her like he used to.

Stella watched for a while as she saw Dana disappear into her thoughts. After several minutes she leaned back, body turned towards Scully. 'Penny for your thoughts.' 'Nothing,' Scully responded quickly before smiling apologetically. 'Sorry. I was thinking about what I'm going to do when I get home. It's complicated and I don't even know how to start explaining it to you but you have to trust me to figure it out.' Stella nodded. 'I do. You don't owe me an explanation or anything else. And I don't expect anything from you, Dana. We'll keep in touch and you can figure out what you want to do. I have a lot of work to do when I get home anyway,' she sighed. Scully knew she was referring to the aftermath of her case and the psychological damage it had done. 'I'm glad to hear you're going to take my advice,' she said softly. 'I don't think I have a choice,' Stella answered. Scully nodded. 'You do, and you're very brave for not considering the other option.' Stella smiled and put her hand on Dana's. 'Thank you,' she said before standing and walking off to go inside. Dana watched her go as something inside of her felt constricted and tight, an uncertainty that was her future and it scared her.

Stella came back with two glasses of water and put them down on the table. The wine had been light but still they needed to be hydrated, and Scully smiled at Stella's considerateness. 'Liam asks if there's anything we need,' Stella said. 'Just you,' Scully answered softly and Stella sat down next to her. 'You have me,' Stella answered. 'Is he in there?' Scully asked, indicating the café with a raise of her eyebrow. 'Yes,' Stella said and watched amused as Scully licked her lips and shifted closer to Stella. 'Good,' she said softly before kissing Stella so softly and carefully Stella was afraid she might cry. As Scully pulled back Stella focused on the slightly pouty and cocky smile of Dana's lips. This is why I love you, her brain imagined saying. 'Unexpected,' Stella said, biting her bottom lip. Scully looked down at her with a raised chin. 'That's good, right?' 'Oh, yes,' Stella said as she wrapped an arm around Scully's oat colored wooly jumper and pulled her closer by the waist. They didn't look back to see if Liam was watching, they didn't care. They didn't see him slump his shoulders and call retreat, and they didn't see him glance back over his shoulders at the peaceful display going on on his rooftop before he entered he elevator. That Stella Gibson, he thought. Was she finally happy?


	12. Moments

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 12. Moments

" _In the matter of a moment_

 _Lost till the end of time,_

 _It's the evening of another day_

 _And the end of mine."_

 _~Alan Parsons Project_

'I'm going to miss you,' Scully said.

They had been sitting and talking on Liam's roof for quite some time, although neither of them knew exactly how long they had silently agreed not to care and to just take their time. Scully had been watching Stella intently throughout their conversation, and somehow it had suddenly struck her that she wasn't going to have this tomorrow. Stella had witnessed the struggle and she'd decided not to comment on Dana's attention to her because she knew she needed this, but at Scully's confession she sighed deeply and looked out across the water. 'Let's not dwell on the future or the past,' she answered. 'There are solutions in neither of them and thinking about it will just drive you mad.' 'I need to consider the future, Stella,' Scully reminded her softly, standing up to walk to the glass wall to overlook Brooklyn. 'Not at this moment,' Stella said and watched as Dana put distance between them. 'What do you want to do next?' she tried to divert Dana's line of thought to keep her from falling too deeply into the abyss that was tomorrow. 'Let's head back to the hotel,' Scully said without looking at Stella, 'I don't feel like seeing any more people today.' Stella stood and joined Scully on the edge of the building. 'You'll be wasting your time,' she murmured into the wind that was carelessly blowing in their hair. 'Sounds good to me,' Scully answered.

Stella was happy to be heading back to the hotel with Dana, she just hoped Dana had the right motivation. All she wanted to do was spend quality time with this woman instead of helplessly wait for tomorrow to arrive, but she wasn't sure Dana knew how to do that. Stella opened the door to the café for Dana and she followed her inside and into the elevator. They seemed to be all alone in the world, creating their own little universe like they had yesterday. It had truly been a blessing to spend time up here with Dana and Stella reminded herself to thank Liam later. As they exited into the lobby he was nowhere to be seen, so Stella indicated for Dana to hold on as she walked to the reception desk. 'Will you give this to Liam and tell him thanks,' she said to the girl behind the desk as she handed over the keys. 'Yes ma'am,' the girl answered and Stella nodded. 'Good,' she said before she walked back over to Dana. 'Let's go,' she said and followed her out. 'I would have liked to thank Liam,' Scully said as they walked back through the greenery towards the subway station. 'I have no idea where he is, he might be on a plane or just out to do groceries, you never really know with Liam,' Stella answered. 'It's why we haven't seen much of each other. He's all over the place.' Scully smiled. 'Reminds me of Mulder,' she said wistfully. 'He used to drag me all over the country to chase strange phenomena and exotic cases.' Stella smiled back at her. 'Sounds exciting.' 'It was,' Scully sighed. 'At the time, I hated it, but it was really something special.' 'Do you miss it?' Stella asked and Scully looked at her, nodding. 'I don't miss the rain and the mud he used to drag me through, but I miss the passion he had back then.' 'Passions change,' Stella pondered out loud. 'As human beings we're hardwired to get bored, to keep searching for that one thing that will fulfill us for the rest of our lives without knowing if such a thing even exists. We try to answer the question we rarely dare to ask ourselves. Why are we here? What is the meaning of life? And in trying to find the answer we hope to find ourselves.' Scully regarded Stella for a moment. 'I've seen people lose themselves in the search of something beyond what they have the ability to comprehend,' she said. 'I just hope I can save Mulder from that fate.' 'It's not your responsibility to save him,' Stella said quietly because she knew that Scully neither needed nor wanted to be told this. It probably wasn't the first time anyone had told her this either. 'I know,' Scully answered, 'but we've been keeping each other safe for years. It's kind of… in our nature.' Stella shrugged, knowing she didn't know enough about this Mulder to make a fair deduction. 'Just make sure it's worth it,' she muttered. 'Come on.' Somewhere in the past few minutes the idea of getting the subway had been abandoned and Stella was hailing a cab. One pulled over and Scully got in before her, giving the driver the address. It would be a welcome distraction, being above ground instead of hidden below the solid rock that made up New York's unyielding foundation. Silence stretched between them as the wheels of the yellow cab drove them closer to their hotel, closer to that dreaded moment, closer to that point where reality would strike like a stake through the heart and either one or both of them would have to pray to their Gods to survive. Stella envied Dana at that thought – she had a God to believe in. Stella's faith had been challenged a long time ago and she was almost certain that if He was up there he had long ago given up on her. She was alone, one mind amongst many but no one to share her deepest thoughts with and it was that kind of loneliness she had always liked, but it was the one thing she came to fear as the day crept on.

They reached the hotel fairly quickly, and thirty minutes later they were back up in Stella's hotel room. Scully had initially wanted to go to her room, but Stella had softly pushed her on a few doors down the hall, thinking the energy there would be less charged. Scully felt affected by everything that had been happening the past few days and she felt more and more as if she was losing her grip on reality even more, and Stella knew that feeling and knew to look for it in others. 'Come on,' she said as she took off her coat and threw it on the chair next to the door. 'I want to take a bath with you.'

It was such a delicate thing to say, just a few words, but the gravity behind them deeply touched Scully. 'Okay,' she nodded and suddenly felt slightly on edge. She followed Stella into the room and as Stella turned around Dana walked into her arms, hugging her close for a sweet moment. She had been waiting to do that since they had left the roof, sensing Stella's vulnerability after taking Dana to her hideaway. It must have been a very scary feeling, Scully knew, as she was familiar with what it was like to trust someone like that. Stella had given her a gift by trusting her with this secret, and with it came all the secrets she hadn't yet told her but Scully knew to be just below the surface. Scully was aware of their mutual feeling of vulnerability and fragility, and she knew it would most likely stay with them for the rest of their time in the city, and it was as unnerving as it was freeing.

Stella collected some things and headed for the bathroom, reeling Dana in with a look over her shoulders, making sure she was following. 'Come on,' she whispered and closed the door behind them. The hotel bathroom was small, but it easily held them both as they stood together at the edge of Stella's bathtub. She turned on the taps to fill it up and Scully felt a slightly awkward silence stretch between them. Stella busied herself with finding her favorite scent in the hotel toiletries, which she seemed to have a lot more of than Scully, and Scully waited patiently for Stella to turn back to her. When she did, their eyes met and Scully slowly breathed out. 'I'm okay,' she answered the unasked question. 'I know,' Stella assured her sweetly as she started to undress herself. It wasn't methodical, but it wasn't meant to be seductive or overly sexy and Scully appreciated the normality of it as she followed Stella's lead. Stella watched her intently throughout the process, taking note of every layer shed by Dana, starting with her thick cardigan. Her T-shirt followed and Stella stepped in closer to help with her bra, only to step back to watch it fall down. Dana bravely kept eye contact with Stella as she let the straps slide down her arms. She tried to gracefully drop the piece of black lace on the floor but she almost dropped in the tub, causing Stella to chuckle and Dana to blush as she realized her near-miss. Stella took off her panties before getting in the tub and watching Dana as she removed the last pieces of clothing as well. There was a quiet air hanging around them, thick in nature, like exiting a house surrounded by fresh snow. It wasn't unpleasant, but it was slightly slowing them down and it exposed every single step they took as something new and precious. Stella gestured to Dana to join her as she sat down in the warm water, the tap still filling the bath with more water and bubbles every second. Scully reached for a hair tie she spotted on the sink but Stella stopped her with a gentle hand on the wrist. 'Leave it,' she said, and Scully looked at Stella's blonde locks for a moment. 'It's going to get wet,' she pointlessly warned herself and Stella. Stella nodded. 'Yes, it is.' Dana let her eyes wander down Stella's body for a moment to where soft, slick skin met a rim of growing foam before she joined her. It was the most natural thing in the world to sit with her back against Stella's chest, feeling Stella raise her knees so Scully could sit between them, and it was a perfect fit with the bathtub that seemed to be created for this purpose and this purpose only: To quietly hold two women, to safeguard them and to shelter them for a few precious minutes when they needed it most.

Stella felt Dana settle her body against hers, feeling Dana's skin cold against hers and watching as a waterfall of red hair descended in front of her. She closed her eyes momentarily, reveling in the anonymity of the moment as Dana was fully unaware of Stella for a sweet second. Stella inhaled the scent coming off Scully's hair, committing it to memory, giving it a special corner in her mind that she hoped would forever and always be dedicated to Dana Scully. As Dana sat down Stella's knees came up next to her thighs, and Stella smiled contently when Dana leaned back against her left shoulder. It was comfortable, intimate and very private and it was everything Stella had never wanted, but also everything she couldn't live without anymore. 'Hold me,' Scully whispered, barely audible above the sound of the water crashing down, but Stella heard it nonetheless because it was Scully's heart that screamed the words louder than any voice ever could. She let her hands casually join Dana's on her tummy, below the waterline, just underneath Dana's breasts. The skin there was incredibly soft, and her thumb wandered up and down on its own accord, earning her a small exhale as the leftover tension slowly left their bodies.

Scully closed her eyes and focused on their breathing, trying to slow down her racing heart, trying not to think about how long it had been since she'd been in a position like this. How long it had been since she'd felt anything like this. Just thinking about it made her sad and she decided with a deep sigh that that was the last of it – no more sadness, only love, happiness and appreciation was allowed between them from now on. 'Stella,' she said softly. 'Hmm,' Stella replied, not needing an answer, just letting Dana know she was there. 'Don't fall asleep,' Stella added after a few moments. 'I'm not going to be held responsible for you drowning.' Scully chuckled, her eyes still closed. 'Keep me awake, then.' Stella smiled against Scully's hair. 'I will,' she promised before pressing a soft kiss in her fiery red locks. She didn't move much, though, and Scully was glad because the water was calming and warm, the foam smelled nice and the sound of the water made her forget about everything around her except for where Stella's skin touched hers and anchored her to this reality. Carefully as not to distract the woman who was holding her so caringly she let her hands explore Stella's, travelling softly up and down Stella's fingers before nimbly moving on to her knuckles. Stella's hands were a mystery to Dana, as they seemed to hold the power to speak truths more true than Stella's lips ever could. There was no hiding from Stella's hands, not even by the woman who controlled them. Dana had seen them tremble, clutch, fidget and shake in ways that told more stories than she could ever read. Slowly she raked the tips of her nails across the back of Stella's hand before lacing their fingers together in one smooth movement. She felt Stella's lips in her hair as she continued to softly explore her fingers and hands. 'I love your hands,' she whispered and Stella shifted a little. 'They're unremarkable, but thank you,' she heard from behind. Stella's voice sounded hoarse and tired, relaxed and thick. Scully didn't reply, she just covered Stella's hands with hers as she relaxed further into Stella's shoulder. She felt her soft breasts press against her back and she stretched her legs as much as she could against the far side of the bathtub. Stella tried to sit up a little to give Scully more space and she reached over to close the tap. Scully turned her head and pressed a kiss on Stella's jawline as it was the only place she was able to reach. Stella glanced at her before sitting back against the edge, pulling Scully as close as she could. 'Let's just relax for a few minutes,' Stella said softly. 'I need this.' Scully nodded. 'I think I need it as well,' she answered and left any further explanation for later. All she did was lay back, lace her fingers through Stella's again and closed her eyes. It was all just pretend, but for a moment it was okay to pretend.

After a few minutes Stella wriggled her fingers from Dana's and softly let them travel across Dana's tummy. A smile formed on Scully's lips, because although the water was warm and their position intimately cozy she had just been thinking about what Stella would do to her in this bathtub. They had such little time left that Scully was torn between spending it in a cocoon of warm water and later blankets with this woman and spending it naked, mouths everywhere, goose bumps travelling like waves across their skins. Stella had taken the choice from her without a word and she was grateful. Scully paid close attention to Stella's fingers as they mapped her stomach, belly button and underside of her breasts before stopping right there, touching the soft curves, lying inanimately on her ribs. 'Seriously?' Scully asked incredulously, amused, but serious as hell. 'Relax, Dana,' Stella whispered into her hair. 'Just let it happen.' Stella needed this to be hers, she needed to be allowed to do this to Dana instead of doing it together. Dana understood and tried to comply, smiling. They had been at this point before and she knew that it was still important to Stella somehow. She seemed to draw strength from it and Scully knew it had something to do with detachment, as well as power, and that was something she understood but didn't necessarily like or fully agree with. She covered Stella's hand with hers and moved it up to her lips, kissing the space between her thumb and fingers. Her lips fit perfectly there and she nibbled on the soft skin there before decisively touching Stella's hand to her left breast. 'I know you need to be in control, above it somehow' she whispered, 'and I'll let you, because I love it when you are, but don't ask me to do the same to you again,' she finished softly. 'I need you with me.' Stella felt her heart clench for Dana, because in no way had she meant to be cold or controlling with her, but she knew that Dana had felt her attempts at detachment. 'Tell me if it's too much,' Stella answered in the same tone, barely a whisper that sounded like an opera in the quiet, thick and steamy air of the hotel bathroom. 'Never,' Scully said, 'But I just want this to be ours.' 'It is, my dear,' Stella said with a low voice, louder than she intended in the eerie stillness of the room. 'It's precious and it's ours alone,' she added, softer now. Scully nodded against her cheek and leaned back a little to turn her blue eyes up towards Stella's. 'Then put that aside and be here with me. Don't think about tomorrow, it's not going to hurt any more or less if we let it go for a little while and just…' Scully gestured with her free hand, splashing the water a little. She diverted her eyes, almost feeling a little ashamed. She could barely believe she was saying this, and although numerous options had crossed her mind on how to finish that sentence she decided to leave it open, unfinished, like a leaf torn too early from a tree to be abandoned in mid-air. Stella remained quiet behind her, but she felt Stella's hand on her breast slowly come to life as Stella inhaled deeply and squeezed her upper arms against Dana's. Stella's thumb caressed her nipple as her hand cupped the lower curve of her breast, finding a perfect hiding place underneath the soft globe. 'You made me promise I wouldn't disappear again,' she whispered into Dana's ear. 'I meant what I said. I'm here.' Scully nodded and sat up, Stella's hands sliding down towards her hips. She turned back towards Stella, finding her eyes and holding on to what she saw there. 'I don't want us to be sad,' she added. 'I know this feels significant but I feel content with you and that's what I need to take away from this. Let's just enjoy this for the rest of our time here.' Stella smiled slightly wickedly. 'Oh, I intend to.' 'Good,' Scully smirked. She managed to turn around and sit face to face with Stella in the tub, grabbing her wrists and pulling her in. Scully raised her feet to allow Stella's legs to slide underneath, locking them together like a puzzle. They couldn't really hug from this position, but Scully could admire Stella and the way the bubbly waterline played just above her nipples, revealing them to her depending on the movement of the water. Their quiet splashes sounded vividly through the otherwise silent room, and Scully let her hands float over Stella's breasts. She felt Stella's nipples against her palms and softly she teased them until Stella covered Scully's hands with her own and squeezed. 'Tease,' she commented, and Scully dropped a kiss to the top of her collarbone. 'Sorry,' came an empty apology. Stella leaned back a little against the edge of the tub and regarded Scully, whose hands slid down to Stella's tummy. Stella let her head fall to one side but held Scully's gaze. Scully took a few moments to look at Stella, really look at her, because she knew that was what Stella was gifting her – unabashedly Stella laid before her, naked, one hand raised to her lips and the other on her stomach she lay open for Scully to see. 'You are beautiful,' Scully commented quietly. Stella smiled and directed Scully's hands up towards her breasts again. 'Touch me,' she whispered in her rough, almost sleepy voice that Scully had loved ever since she'd first heard it. It was so sexy, so open and true that she felt like every word spoken like that was a secret, and in a way, it was.

Stella watched as Dana's eyes darkened with emotion, but a smile appeared around her lips as her hands travelled up Stella's legs. Her knees stuck out above the water a little and Stella followed the line of Scully's fingers along her calves, up around her knees and then slowly but surely down towards her thighs. Scully watched Stella's face carefully as she knew what she was about to encounter – lines of a past life, or maybe not that long ago, the evidence of a life so different from hers but not unimaginable at all. Scully understood how everything had culminated into this for Stella, she understood how the decisions were made and she knew above all the significance of her reaction to them. As her fingers softly encountered Stella's scars she was careful not to pay too much unwanted attention to them, but she was aware of how Stella was intently avoiding her eyes. 'Look at me,' Scully asked Stella, and with a heavy blink Stella complied. Scully watched fascinated how Stella's brow raised and how her breath hitched slightly in concern and utter feeling of exposure as Scully flattened her hand over Stella's inner thighs. Scully held her eyes as she softly set out to touch Stella's pubic bone, carefully raking her nails across the sensitive skin before moving further down. With her hands being submerged in the water she didn't have the luxury of watching but the feeling was tantalizing enough as Stella's eyes told her exactly what she needed to know. Stella hissed softly as Scully fully touched her with two fingers, tracing a line along her opening to her clit and back. She let her other hand wander to Stella's clit, using her thumb to circle and press lightly. Stella stayed more quiet than usual, but Scully's initial concern was quickly replaced by love as she watched Stella open her mouth and crease her brow. Her breathing became quicker as Scully's fingers found a rhythm, caressing and stimulating Stella while never losing eye contact. Stella found Dana's hand with one of hers and pushed, and Scully understood – with a smile she straightened one of her fingers and entered Stella, testing her under the water before adding a second finger. Their movements caused rhythmic splashes along the water and Scully found it mesmerizing as she watched a chill break out along Stella's arms. 'Yes,' she encouraged Stella softly. 'Let it go.' She felt Stella's nails dig into her wrist, no longer wanting anything in particular, just wanting Dana, more, closer, and nothing else mattered. Stella closed her eyes for a moment to focus on the feeling before she realized she couldn't live without watching Dana at this moment, so she opened her eyes again and the look in Dana's eyes was everything she ever needed. Scully felt Stella's body tense, she felt how the tightening of her inner walls changed into a clench and then a shudder as Stella's climax washed over her. She made no sound as she locked eyes with Scully but the single tear in the corner of her right eye told Scully everything she needed to know.

Stella whimpered as her release intensified, driven higher and higher by the pressure of Dana's fingers. Dana slowed her movements, but kept softly massaging Stella's inner walls, and Stella just barely hung on to consciousness as Scully brought her down slowly. As Dana released her she gave a nod behind Stella. 'Get up there,' she said softly, and Stella looked behind her. Another whimper escaped her lips at the effort of using her muscles that were still wobbly but she did what Dana asked and pushed herself up onto the far side of the tub. There was a small ledge, just big enough for Stella to settle on, and she watched mesmerized as Dana moved closer. Dana's fingers returned to Stella's inner thighs and with her other hand she pulled Stella a little closer to the edge. The water splashed around her body as she turned into Stella, her hand skimming across the goose bumps on Stella's legs back to the apex of her thighs and soon Stella understood her motives. 'You don't have to,' she said, suddenly feeling slightly insecure. The feeling wasn't foreign to Stella but the situation was, and she was relieved to see Dana's eyes smile up at her. Her only answer was Dana's tongue on her clit, lavishing her, creating a myriad of emotions and sensations that Stella didn't have the strength to battle against. She slumped backwards against the wall, her head hitting the stone harder than intended, and a shuddering sigh came from deep within. Scully smiled into Stella at the sensation, she could feel Stella's arousal on her tongue and sense everything that was going on within her through their simple connection. She tried, again, to mimic what she liked to be done to her and it seemed to work as very soon Stella's hand clasped the side of the tub. 'Oh my God, Dana,' Stella whispered. 'I'm going to come again.' Stella was amazed at the feelings inside of her, how quickly she was ready to fall again and how little it seemed to take for Dana to have her completely at her mercy. It should scare me, she thought, but that thought was gone again as soon as Dana dipped the tip of her tongue in Stella's opening. 'Oh yes,' Stella sighed, and Dana replaced her tongue with her fingers again, being rewarded with another thud of Stella's head hitting the wall. 'You're so good,' Stella whispered, and Scully doubled her efforts. That was all it took. Stella squirmed, a sound Scully hadn't heard before fell from her lips and she opened up even more to Dana's touch. Dana felt Stella's walls grasp her intimately, and she knew her second orgasm would outdo the first. Stella's lips quivered as she came again, her orgasm long, intense and almost painful in its emotion.

'Come here,' Dana pulled on Stella's hips, sliding her back into the tub with her. The water was still warm, and the chill that had invaded Stella's limbs quickly disappeared in light of her encounter with Dana. She curled her arms around Dana's midsection, pulling her as close into her body as she could. Dana laid sideways, her head on Stella's shoulder and her arms all around her. It was slippery and slightly uncomfortable but she didn't care, she just wanted to feel. 'I love this,' Scully said reverently, 'I'm really going to miss this.' Stella nodded into her hair, the movement almost desperate in nature. 'Me too.' It was all they said for a long while, Stella still trying to come back to Earth after the intense release and Scully just trying to remember every single movement, every sigh, every everything about this woman so that she would have something to sustain her when Stella would be gone.

After a few minutes Stella disentangled herself and helped Dana to sit up. She kissed her slowly and reached for the washcloth that was lying behind her. Scully watched her every move and was touched when she saw Stella wet and warm the cloth, pour some shower gel onto it and start to carefully and methodically wash Scully's arm. 'I want to tell you something,' Stella started. She was avoiding Scully's eyes, focusing her gaze intensely on the task in front of her. Scully nodded, barely visible, but Stella noticed it and found in it the courage to carry on. 'I've never told this to anybody,' she said softly, 'so bear with me.' Scully relaxed back into Stella and continued to watch her hands move with foamy strokes as she formed her thoughts. 'When I was at University I met a girl who was studying abroad. She was meant to stay for a semester but ended up enrolling in more classes so she could stay longer. She was intelligent and intriguing, and I think I fell in love with her the second I laid eyes on her. She was strong, brave and independent, everything I wanted to be at that time.'

Scully listened to Stella's voice, slightly rough with emotion and filled with intense memories. 'She said she liked girls and I knew I liked her so we started this thing. It was the first time I truly felt accepted for who I was.' Scully nodded in understanding. Stella sighed and carried on. 'I was so taken with her. She was the first girl I had sex with, and at the time I thought I'd never want anything else. We went to a party one night a few months into our relationship and I told her I loved her. An hour later I walked in on her in bed with one of our friends. Male friends.' Scully sighed. 'Oh God, Stella. I'm so sorry.' Stella huffed. 'They propositioned me to join them. But I really loved her, I thought she was the one. I walked away. The next day the guy came to my room.' Dana shivered, knowing a story like this wasn't going to end well.

'He said she wanted him to fuck me,' Stella continued more quietly. 'He tried to rape me.' 'Oh Stella,' Scully said, tears in her eyes. Her hands found Stella's and the washcloth drifted to the surface, abandoned by four clasped hands hanging on to each other for dear life. 'I ended up in hospital. When I got out, she had gone back home. I never talked to her again.' A quiet sob brought on by deeply buried memories escaped Stella's throat. 'I loved her with everything I had. She was the only thing I needed. I decided then that I wouldn't let that happen to me, ever, again.' Scully lifted her head to press a kiss into Stella's neck. One of Stella's hands came up to tangle in Scully's wet hair, combing it down her shoulders and back. 'I would have given up anything for her,' she whispered. 'It almost killed me to lose her like that.' Scully sighed sadly. 'I can only try to imagine what that must have felt like,' she said. 'I'm sure it made me stronger,' Stella said toughly. 'Still, I wouldn't wish something like that on anyone. To love is one thing, to be played with like that is something completely in a different ballpark,' Scully said seriously. 'I hope you know you didn't deserve that.' She didn't necessarily know why she said it, but somehow she understood where Stella's pain came from. Love was a dangerous subject, even to her – to Stella it was like the most forbidden of fruits and Scully began to understand why. Somewhere deep down a younger Stella would always fear that rejection. She would always see the look on those faces, she'd always be the one to run first. Because she'd been the one to say it first. One time, one chance and that's how life had decided to return the favor – Scully understood all too well Stella's fear of what was happening between them. And the worst thing was, she couldn't promise it would be different. Naturally, the situation was completely unique and it would never repeat itself, but the premise was still the same. Even though technically they were the ones doing the cheating Stella was relying on Scully's honor and truthfulness in a way that must be highly uncomfortable. A wave of some foreign emotion washed over Scully and all she could do was wriggle both arms around Stella and hold her close.

Their position was uncomfortable, the edges of the tub were hard and the water was getting cold, but Stella's heart froze under a completely different chill – the ice cold realization that she was completely helpless in this situation. There was no right way to end this, there never would be. As she felt Dana's arms find their way around her midsection she bit back the tears that defiantly stood their ground in the corners of her eyes, not wanting to cry, not yet. She felt Dana slip down slowly and even though she tried to hold on and keep her close she felt Dana struggle to stay in their embrace. Carefully Stella disentangled their limbs and she helped Dana to stand. 'Let's get warm,' she suggested and their eyes met only briefly as they stepped out of the tub, reaching for their towels. Stella quickly wrapped hers around Dana's shoulders, rubbing them to ban the chill that had arisen in Dana's bones. Scully smiled and handed Stella her towel, still slightly hesitant to fully meet her passing gaze. It wasn't that Stella's story had made them uncomfortable. It was just the dawning realization and the deeply troubling similarities that had them both a little guarded. Scully dried off quickly, throwing on just her jumper and a pair of Stella's panties. 'Stella,' she said quietly, asking for Stella's attention. She got it quickly as Stella picked up on the hidden urgency in Dana's voice. 'Yes?' she answered, looking up and slowing her movements. Scully leaned against the bathroom wall and watched quietly as Stella dried off as methodically as she had undressed before. 'What is it?' Stella asked as she watched Dana. A small smile appeared around Scully's lips. 'I would never do that to you, I love you too much for that,' she said softly and truthfully. It was a significant moment pushed into insignificance with the casual blush on Dana's cheeks, the soft touches of Stella's towel to her skin and the distance between them that was filled with thick peach scented clouds of mist and Stella found it to be so perfectly imperfect that her brain took a few seconds to process. She didn't want Dana to say it as much as she didn't want to say it herself, but now that it had happened, she realized that maybe it wasn't truly ever within her power to manage her emotions. And it wasn't within her power to manage the emotions of everyone around her. And maybe dealing with that was something she would have to work on. So as she continued her movements, toweling the last drops of moisture from her legs and feet her eyes focused on the task ahead instead of Dana's deep pools of unending mystery. A few quiet tears came to play on the edge of her waterline and this time she didn't resist them. She heard Scully move and a part of her wasn't surprised when she looked up and found Dana's lips to be the only thing in her vision. Stella wrapped her arms around Dana, pulled her in close and captured her lips with an intensity that was unbeknownst even to her. Scully smiled into the kiss, loving how Stella was quick to establish control over the kiss when it seemed like it was the only thing she had any control over. Dana let her, holding her close, curling her fingers into Stella's back to press her spine as close as she could. Stella's lips told the story of everything that had been raging through her mind the past minutes and Scully heard it all. She understood how Stella wanted to stop fighting. She heard how much pain Stella was still in and how desperately she wanted to give in. But most of all she tasted on Stella's lips her true feelings, the unmasked and unveiled depth of Stella's care and yes, love, unmistakably and undoubtedly there in the grasp of her hands, the passion of her lips and in the tears on her cheeks.


	13. Cherry Blossom

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 13.

Cherry Blossom

" _If a person is able to do to others what she fears may be done to her she may no longer be afraid."_

Dana felt Stella's tears run down between their cheeks and she tasted them on her lips. 'Stella,' she whispered between kisses. 'Don't talk,' Stella urged, but she broke the kiss and met Scully's searching eyes anyway. She knew what was laid bare on her expression and some twisted side of herself wanted Dana to see. She needed Dana to share in the struggle because she, for the first time in a long time, wasn't sure she was strong enough to deal with this alone. Stella felt naked, exposed, and everything inside her heart clashed against everything she had taught herself, and every second, more and more, her heart was winning out over her brain. 'What have we done,' she whispered quietly. 'Sorry,' Dana replied in the smallest sound Stella had ever heard. She looked away and pulled Dana's head in to hers. Her hand tangled in the tresses Dana had been so afraid to get wet, and she smiled, because that seemed so meaningless now. 'Your hair got wet,' she whispered into Dana's neck. Dana chuckled with the ridiculousness of Stella's statement. 'And the world didn't fall apart,' she said softly. 'I guess I can worry a little less.' Stella sighed. 'I see what you did there. Thank you.' She let Dana go and grabbed the robe from the hook on the door, not bothering to put anything underneath. 'Isn't there a perfectly good bottle of wine in your room?' she asked Dana, knowing full well the purpose of that bottle and the ones that were bound to follow would be to get them drunk tonight. 'There is,' Scully agreed, 'I'll be right back.'

Stella smiled with raised eyebrows, proud and surprised, as Dana collected her key card, walked over to the door and exited the room in just her pullover and panties to fetch the bottle from just down the hallway. When Scully came back a minute later she found her in exactly the same spot, still smiling, still slightly in awe. 'Here you go,' Scully smiled as she handed Stella the bottle. 'Pour that for me, will you?' She walked past Stella to the chair by the window and paused there, looking out across the city. She heard Stella rustle behind her and soon she appeared with two generously filled wine glasses. 'Are you hungry?' Stella asked as she handed Scully one of the glasses. Scully shook her head lightly and touched her glass to Stella's. 'To New York,' she said. 'And to everything it gave us,' Stella added. She walked over to the bed, creating a comfortable lounging corner with the pillows. 'How do you have six pillows in here?' Scully wondered aloud. 'I asked,' Stella deadpanned. 'Do you always get everything you ask?' Scully asked bravely. Stella looked at her for a second from her position on the bed. Scully walked over and joined her. 'Sorry, that was rude.' 'Actually you raise an interesting point,' Stella answered, not the least bit offended. 'If we're talking about work, the answer is yes. Privately though I haven't been asking for much.' 'I think Nick would disagree, and so would Liam probably,' Scully countered. 'I take what I need and they give it, there's a difference,' Stella said. 'I don't ask.' Scully nodded. 'You asked me. You gave me a choice.' 'I know,' Stella said wondrously. 'You are the exception. With everything, you are the aberration. And don't say you're sorry, because you shouldn't be.' Scully nodded, shifting in the pillows to get comfortable, pulling one onto her lap. Stella was sat next to her, lounging comfortably, one hand on her stomach and the other cradling her wine glass. 'So, what is your plan when you get back?' Scully asked Stella. 'You know there still is a folder around here somewhere with some very interesting points I came up with for you.' Stella chuckled. 'Don't worry, I'll look at it on the plane,' she said reassuringly but slightly mockingly. Scully smiled and looked down at her glass. 'Do with it whatever you want. It's a very interesting case but I could imagine your only wish is to get away from it.' Stella looked at her. 'Someone wise told me that's not the way, though,' she answered, and Scully raised her chin towards Stella. 'She was right.' 'Why do you assume it was a woman?' Stella asked, teasing Dana because they were both fully aware it had been her who had said that to Stella. 'Because you wouldn't take advice like that from a man,' Scully answered and Stella smirked. 'Anyway, there is a lot of work for me to do. My reputation is ruined, I think they sent me to New York just to get rid of me for a few days and figure out what they'll do with me when I get back. I think they were scared what I'd hear if I was around during the decision making. I don't like being left out of the loop.' Scully shifted a bit closer and shifted slightly onto her side. 'I'm sure you'll get it all back in time. If there's anything I've learned it's that most of the time it's just administrative bullshit they have to deal with and they don't really care about how it gets done as long as it gets done.' Stella nodded. 'It's a pretty big pile of bullshit, though.' 'That might be the case but you had to deal with so many things, Stella. It's a miracle you even came out alive.' 'Barely,' Stella chuckled but recovered quickly, not wanting to be pitied. Scully however picked up on her mood and had some of her suspicions confirmed. Even though no part of Stella's body seemed particularly sensitive to the touch Scully had spotted a freshly mended cut on her brow and a few very faint bruises on her ribs – nothing to the untrained eye, but to Scully they were the beginning and end to a story. One that she wasn't sure she wanted to hear. 'He hurt you, didn't he,' she said softly.  
Stella hesitated for a moment. 'I don't want to talk about it.'

'That's okay,' Scully said, 'but you're going to have to. Maybe it'll be easier if you tell me first.' Stella dropped her chin and the air in the room changed. Scully felt anger and defensiveness boil up in the woman next to her, she felt her brace herself against the memories and Scully knew she had to be strong for Stella as well as for herself. Stella sighed, shivered and finally but carefully let go of everything holding her back. 'He… He hit me,' Stella said softly but there was no kindness in her voice. 'During an interrogation when he knew he was beat, he broke an officer's arm and shoulder and he hit me.' 'He broke your ribs,' Scully guessed quietly. Stella's head shot up, locking her fiery eyes with Scully's gentler ones. 'It's barely visible,' she tried to reassure Stella. 'He broke my ribs, he almost broke my brow bone and he hit my jaw pretty hard. He kicked me in the face and in the guts while I was down on the floor. I couldn't do anything.' There was a coldness that had crept into Stella's voice and Scully looked at her in concern. 'You got him,' she said quietly. 'You survived. He felt trapped, it's a predators natural reaction.' Stella nodded sarcastically. 'I know, I'm lucky to be alive, right?' 'That's not what I mean,' Scully said. 'You think you should have been prepared. You probably believe you could have defended yourself and the other officer, you think you should have. But there's no way. He was so much stronger physically. You did everything you could.' She could imagine Stella on the floor, trying to protect her face, curling into a ball on pure instinct to protect herself from the animal she had been hunting down for so long. 'I saw his true nature,' Stella whispered. 'It scared me.' She remembered how she didn't want to be helped afterwards. She remembered how she had signaled them to hold off, to wait for her to get up by herself, and how she had realized that she couldn't. She had seen Tom Anderson's face as he looked at her, afraid for her more than for himself as he had tried and failed to protect her. Her career was on the line, his was uncertain for completely different reasons. 'In the end, he won,' Stella said so softly that Scully wondered if she was meant to hear it. She scooted closer and raised her fingers to the faint line in Stella's left brow. 'You're here now, he isn't,' she said, her voice firm and loud in the quiet room. 'It's not about winning. It's about living.' Stella nodded. 'Still, he cheated and a lot of families won't know justice because he was too cowardly to just admit to what he had done. I almost had him, Dana.' Dana nodded. 'And that will haunt you for the rest of your life if you let it. You need to find a way to forgive yourself.' 'I don't know how, not yet,' Stella answered and her voice broke, and with it, Scully's heart. 'Come here,' she said, and tears were in her eyes as she pulled Stella close on the bed. Scully embraced her, as equals, allowing Stella to find strength through her and feeling it bounced right back at her. She kept her head high, feeling and allowing the tears old and new on her cheeks, finding peace in dignity and love. 'He wins if you let him,' Scully whispered into Stella's cheek. Stella nodded. 'I don't like it, but you're right,' she answered powerlessly.

After a few minutes Stella felt slightly awkward and uncomfortable with the level of support she was feeling. She should be dealing with this by herself – she was going to have to, but Dana was just so present that she was having trouble disassociating herself from what she was saying. She knew she shouldn't, but it was such a natural reaction that she felt she was going crazy fighting the fighting. A blizzard raged inside her brain for a moment, causing her vision to go white with static and her thoughts to scatter in no particular pattern inside her head. Scully let go and sat back against the headboard and Stella sighed deeply, put down her wine glass and turned to sit up on her knees. She straddled Dana's legs, forcing her to lay them straight on the bed as she took Scully's wine from her hand as well. Dana looked momentarily disappointed until she met Stella's eyes, where apparently the storm had caused a peace in its covering of all things tainting her thoughts. Stella leaned over to the right to put down the wine glass and as she sat back up Scully recognized the storm in Stella's blue eyes as something dangerous, but strangely alluring.

'You know how you wondered about me asking you before?' Stella whispered. Scully nodded.

'This time I'm not asking,' Stella said slowly, deliberately, and as her hands came up to Dana's face she pushed her back into the headboard and her lips left no space between Scully's concern and Stella's surrender. For a second Scully worried – Be here, Stella, her mind called - be in the moment with me, but that was forgotten as soon as she felt Stella's thumbs caress her cheeks and cradle her jawbone. Scully recognized the motion and it reassured her – Stella wasn't trying to overpower an emotion, she was trying to bottle it, keep it alive in her brain for whenever she might need it. It was a desperate thing, but born out of need to be together rather than need to be alone and that was all that mattered to Dana.

And so she let Stella push her down. She let her cover her body with her own, she welcomed the delicate weight of a woman's curves on hers and she was quick to wrap her legs around Stella's robe-clothed body to never let her go. 'I'm done talking about my mistakes,' Stella muttered into Dana's lips as she kissed her. Scully nodded into Stella's searching mouth. 'Not mistakes,' she managed, but nothing else was allowed to pass except sighs and the occasional whimper as Stella made sure Dana wouldn't make her cry again. She felt naked again but she knew that it was a good thing, because the veil she had been wearing was slowly falling away to reveal parts of herself she had almost forgotten or abandoned. However that veil had also hidden her from her demons, monsters that came in the night and even though she had been fairly unsuccessful in keeping them away recently she knew that thinking about them during the day meant being haunted by them come nightfall, no matter how tightly she tangled herself in Dana's limbs. The demons would find her. And tomorrow there would be none of Dana's limbs left to anchor and shield her – it would just be her and everything she had ever wanted and attempted to forget.

Scully gingerly kissed the woman in her arms, reassuringly, bravely, to make sure Stella was okay – Okay with what had been discussed, okay with herself and most of all okay with the coming road she was going to have to travel. Scully felt Stella's lips search hers, demanding from her to reveal all the answers to questions she wasn't brave enough to ask. Scully answered them as best she could, wrapping arms and legs around Stella, pushing her hips up into Stella's soft terrycloth waist. Stella wriggled in Dana's embrace and moved to straddle her, sitting up and watching Scully's slight disarray as it salved her heart and tended to her wounds. Scully looked back into Stella's eyes and reached for her, finding her vulnerable scrutiny to be a scary combination. The robe around Stella's waist had fallen to the side, revealing the fairest parts of Stella's legs to Dana's touch. Stella kissed her again, moving her hips on Dana's before moving her hands to trace lines down along the sweater to Dana's breasts. They were close, very close on the bed with Dana sitting against the headboard and Stella trapping her against her body, but both of them wanted to be even closer. 'Take it off,' Stella said and Dana struggled to get the soft fabric off over her head. Stella let her eyes wander around Dana's head for a moment, and Scully watched as Stella smiled in pure adoration, lips slightly parted, eyes shining in unshed tears and love. 'You are the most magnificent woman I've seen,' Stella whispered in a confession that came straight from her soul. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't take control with Dana in the way that she was used to. It didn't matter anymore, she knew it didn't matter but the realization was heartbreaking to Stella in its innocence – Dana was her equal. Scully watched as she saw a myriad of emotions run across Stella's face and she couldn't handle the pain she witnessed in the flash of a moment, so she threw her jumper aside and reached to push the robe off of Stella's shoulders. 'Come here,' she said, and Stella untied the garment before pushing it aside half-heartedly. It remained there, the sides trapped between Scully's legs and Stella's waist to witness these two women speak volumes without whispering a word.

Stella's hands were everywhere – she focused on touching as much of Dana as she could, tracing feathery lines down her breastbone to her navel, and back up to whisper along her sides up to her neck. Shivers ran through Scully's body as she tried to anticipate where Stella's touch would light the next fire but she failed, immensely, as Stella decided to boldly rake her nails along Dana's arms and back up around to the tips of her nipples. Scully closed her eyes but found nothing but loneliness in the dark of her mind so she opened them again, clinging to Stella's neck with her underarms and burying her face in Stella's hair. Stella was effectively trapped in a jail made out of Dana and she chuckled at Dana's perseverance. 'Let me go, babe,' she whispered. Scully eased her hold a little and Stella kissed her neck before moving down to kiss her lips again. Scully surrendered to Stella's searching lips as her hands now found refuge in Stella's hair, one on her neck, the other plastered to her skull to keep her as close as possible.

'Hold on,' Stella whispered into Scully's ear and disentangled herself from Scully's strong grip. 'I'm coming back, I promise,' she said softly to reassure Scully and to coerce her into letting her go. She left Scully on the bed in her panties and as she stood to walk over to the table where she'd abandoned the bottle of wine she let the robe fall into a pool on the ground. Stepping out of it she felt like she was shedding her veil, all pretense was left right there on this hotel room floor and somehow it felt liberating. Stella refilled both of their wine glasses, taking one into the bed with her. 'Lie still,' she whispered to Dana who had been watching her every move. Goose bumps had come to play all across her fair skin and Scully watched with interest as Stella carefully poured some of the wine on Dana's chest. 'It'll spill,' Dana warned, and Stella all but rolled her eyes at her. Scully understood on a smile and let her eyes shudder to a close, lashes barely touching, as the cold sensation reached her brain. Stella watched the cherry colored liquid find its way down Scully's sternum and along the sides of her breasts. She licked her lips and set out to clean every last drop of liquid off of Dana's chest, starting with the liquid waiting for her between Dana's breasts. Scully instinctively raised her hands to her breasts, lifting them to Stella's face. 'Yes, do that,' Stella encouraged her, loving the feeling of Dana's soft, slightly fruity skin against her lips. Dana moaned as Stella stole a nibble and a lick on her nipple before lavishing her entire breast and all of the sticky skin around it. Scully pushed her breasts up into Stella's mouth, moaning deeply as arousal coursed through her body. She could feel the droplets of wine going down her side, up to her shoulder and neck and down her sternum and it was as intoxicating as the liquid itself – as was Stella's tongue, apparently on a mission to catch it all.

Stella licked and sucked loudly until all the liquid had been cleared from Dana's fair skin before reaching for the glass again. She watched Dana's almost-closed eyes slowly open as she poured a little more, this time around her belly button, making sure it dripped down her sides before putting the glass down again. 'Stella,' Scully muttered aimlessly, and Stella smiled before burying her face in Scully's tummy. She felt Dana's muscles contract where she licked and suckled on the skin, most likely leaving marks as she went, and she let her hands join Dana's on her boobs. Dana locked one hand with hers and guided the other over her nipple as she watched through hooded eyes. She saw how Stella's hair dragged through the wine on her belly as she licked down to her hipbone and she watched helplessly as Stella moved her flat, wet tongue from one side of her body all the way to the other. It wasn't hard to surrender to the rush of feelings that ran through the muscles in her legs, arms and tummy and finally all the way up to curl around her brain. She went willingly, following the only direction she needed: Stella's tongue and hands and hair and body. There was a tingle between her legs that became hard to ignore and Scully had a fleeting thought that she'd never wanted to ignore that before, but right now she wanted to stay in this moment forever rather than chase her orgasm over that edge that would inevitably put an end to Stella's relentless touch. 'Slow,' she whispered to Stella and she felt her squeeze Scully's hand. 'Too much?' Stella asked, her lips still plastered to the sensitive skin of Scully's sides. 'No, I just want you to do this for a little longer,' Scully replied, and Stella moved up to softly kiss her lips. Scully tasted the wine, a sweet tartness that she recognized and smelled all around her. As Stella looked into Dana's eyes she slowly tore her fingers lower and lower across Dana's skin, down to the line of her panties. 'No, not yet,' Dana whispered to her. Stella smiled into her lips. 'I need you, Dana. I need to feel you come. It's not the end.' Stella's bold words tore straight through Scully's resolve and she brushed Stella's hair back in one movement, wrapping her hands up in the blonde, unruly waves. 'Stay close to me,' she whispered in Stella's ear and Stella nodded and pushed on past Dana's panties. Dana lifted her hips and marveled at Stella's ability to have her naked in one swift movement, feeling her panties slide to somewhere around her knees.

As Scully pushed her hips closer to Stella she felt her fingers all around her clit. Deftly Stella found her way, circling with care and precision exactly where she knew Scully needed it. Scully moaned loudly at the delicious assault and was rewarded with Stella's lips on her neck. Stella bit carefully, undoubtedly leaving a mark but Scully realized that might be the point – a lasting reminder that they weren't done. She'd see it tomorrow when she looked in the mirror, she'd see it later when Stella might already be gone and then she'd quietly curse and thank Stella. Her mind was torn back to the present by Stella's fingers rubbing a little harder, more persistent – there was no escaping this time. Stella was going to make her come with her lips in her hair and her fingers on her breasts and on her pussy. 'Please, Dana,' Stella whispered, 'Let go.' It was a sweetly familiar phrase between them and Scully turned her face into Stella's because of the sudden connection she felt to her. 'Stay close to me,' she repeated and Stella nodded again, her nose touching Scully's cheek. Scully lifted her knee a little more, giving Stella easier access and Stella took it gratefully by letting her fingers travel down to Scully's opening before settling back on her clit with renewed vigor. Scully was barely holding on to consciousness, her brain wanting to shut down and her body wanting to explode at the same time. She reached for Stella blindly, pulling her head into her neck and crushing Stella's shoulders into her own with her arm that was trapped underneath Stella's body. 'Yes, beautiful,' Stella encouraged her. It was such a wondrous thing, Stella's salty and velvety voice calling to her to let go that Scully felt her body react instantly. 'Yes,' she moaned, digging her fingers into Stella's back. Stella didn't let up, she didn't give her space to escape and doubled her efforts, returning her lips to Scully's neck to softly take her earlobe between her teeth. 'That's it, love,' she whispered, and Scully went soft and rigid in Stella's arms as her orgasm took control of everything except the point where Stella's fingers connected to her body. It grounded her, it lifted her and it saved her – Scully saw stars, a stellar combination of pressure and freedom and finally everything inside her went limb.

Scully was vaguely aware of Stella holding her. Both her hands were on Scully's back, cradling her soft body to hers, one hand stroking up and down her neck and shoulders. She heard a voice that was definitely Stella's but she didn't hear the words. All she heard was her own heartbeat, her breathing, trying to go back to normal after that experience that had been utterly disarming. 'Easy, love,' Stella whispered to Dana. She'd witnessed Dana's complete surrender to her and she'd found it to be the most profound thing she had ever seen. She also remembered Dana's earlier request to make this last, so she was in no way going to release her or let her go. It was worth facing some of her fears for. So she stuck to Dana until her eyes opened and her mouth quivered in a smile. And even then she pulled her hips back into hers, she covered her with her warm body and kissed her carefully. Dana responded languidly, her brain still a few seconds behind, but she instinctively knew to keep Stella close. She still tasted the wine on her lips and smiled at the way her brain chose to remind her of the fact that they may need to shower again before going to sleep. Stella broke the quiet kiss after a few heartbeats and looked up into Dana's eyes. 'Hi,' she whispered. 'Hi,' Scully smiled. She watched how Stella let her lips follow a wet path down Scully's sternum, along her taut breasts and down to her navel again. She missed Stella's warmth all around her but she appreciated the soft and wet sensation that was a promise and reaffirmation of everything they had. 'Get back up here,' she directed Stella with a smirk, too tired to sit up and pull her back. 'Bossy,' Stella commented but reversed her path back up Scully's body to end up at her lips. 'We might need to move,' Stella said and Scully nodded. 'In a moment.'

They stayed on the bed for a few minutes, content in their silence and warmth until somehow the wet spots surrounding Scully became too much for both of them. Scully moved first, shifting away but right into the next wine stain and she sighed. 'Let's get out of here,' she muttered into Stella's neck. 'There's a perfectly clean bed in my room.' Stella nodded, her hair tickling Dana's face. 'Do I need to carry you there?' 'I think I'll manage,' Scully smiled and moved to sit up.

14,

Quietly Stella found her robe and fetched another one from the bathroom. When she came back Scully was sitting on the side of the bed, hands next to her clutching the sides, her hair falling in perfect waves along her cheeks effectively hiding her face. She was still naked, having abandoned her panties somewhere between the sheets. Stella thought how housekeeping would find them if she left them there but honestly she didn't care and she knew that at this moment Dana didn't either, so she left them and quietly handed Dana the robe. Dana lifted her chin and looked up at her with shining eyes. 'Thank you,' she said earnestly, referring to so much more than the robe. She stood on slightly shaking legs and tied the terrycloth piece of comfort tightly around her waist. Stella extended her hand as she finished fixing her own robe and Dana took it gratefully, remembering to grab the remaining wine as well. They slipped on some shoes for the short walk and Scully reached for Stella's key card that was on the table by the door, handing it to her before collecting her own and leading the way back to her own room. They didn't run in to anyone in the hallway and Stella was grateful, knowing that it wasn't really a secret what they'd been doing and she wasn't sure of Dana would be comfortable with being seen like this. She smelled the wine in her hair and felt it stick slightly to her neck and she chuckled. 'What?' Scully said, her voice soft and rough around the edges. 'I just realized that you're right, this is a mess,' Stella admitted softly as she followed Scully back into her room. 'We can shower later, right now I just want you close,' Scully said and Stella nodded, pulling her closer by the hand as she closed the door behind her. She put her arms around Scully for a sweet moment before grabbing two water glasses from the tray table by the door and following Scully to the bed.

She watched with a warm heart as Dana climbed on the bed and settled against the pillows. Stella divided the wine between them and put both glasses on the side table before joining Dana, pulling her body flush against hers as soon as she could. Scully buried her chin in the collar of the robe as Stella felt her hands on the tie around her waist. She directed her eyes to where Dana's hands were busy untying her robe and she smiled inwardly. It was such a simple pleasure but such an important one to feel one's skin against another and Stella was glad Scully trusted her enough to reveal that this was her need. 'You're incredible,' Scully said into her neck as she succeeded in untying the robe. Stella felt Scully's hand on the small of her back pulling her waist closer to her own and she relaxed against Dana's body. 'So are you,' Stella replied. 'You're much more experienced,' Scully said almost shyly, 'So I don't think it's fair to compare.' 'You're wrong,' Stella whispered. 'If it was just sex, then yes, but I'd say I'm as inexperienced as you are.' It was the best she could do and Scully felt it down to her core. The slight break in her voice and the gritty hoarseness that Stella allowed gave away a lot more than she would have dared to reveal mere days ago. 'Sorry if I'm asking too much,' Scully offered softly. Stella shook her head lightly. 'Never apologize for asking for what you need. It's a sign of strength. Too often we're told that our needs aren't important but they are imperative to our happiness.' Scully smiled into Stella's naked shoulder. 'Self-love and self-destruction,' she remembered. Stella sighed deeply. 'There are certain lines I cannot cross,' she said, and Scully shifted closer in silent strength. 'It's not because I don't want to,' Stella continued, 'it's because it's the only thing that's going to make me strong and independent enough.' Dana felt her lean back and she felt her eyes on her face. Angling her chin upwards she met Stella's eyes. 'I don't agree,' she said softly, 'I know we're strongest together. But I understand and deeply respect that your life has told you differently. I'll never ask anything of you that's too much.' Stella looked down across Scully's face, uncomfortable with how she was now the vulnerable one.

Later, a few hours past midnight, they were cuddled up on Scully's bed. Stella was wearing one of Dana's oversized cardigans, one of the sides covering Scully's side as well in order to keep them warm. Underneath the soft fabric Dana's arms were wrapped tightly around Stella's body where Stella's one arm was between them and the other held the woolly fabric softly to Scully's side. The air between them was calm and darkly thick, almost as if something had suddenly been fallen down on them and they were grieving the inevitability of the result. However there was an overwhelming feeling of peace surrounding them as well as they had both accepted that this was their last night in New York. There was no room for depression but they had both accepted that a certain level of wistfulness as inevitable and maybe even healthy as it would lead to them spending their precious time as fully and wholly as possible. They were both on their sides and Stella had her chin tucked safely on top of Scully's head, almost hiding her from the world. Somehow she could feel a question approaching and in some way she already knew she wasn't going to like it. Her heart was so open that even the slightest movement or sound seemed dangerous. After a few minutes Dana finally spoke, the question already huge in her mind.

'What was her name?' she asked quietly. 'No,' Stella said rather forcefully, as if on instinct.

'It's okay,' Scully pushed, 'I'm not her. And you're the one that's leaving.' 'That's not fair,' Stella answered, turning on her back to face the ceiling. 'You haven't asked me to stay.' 'Would you?' Scully said, moving to her stomach and leaning her head in her hands as she watched Stella. 'You know the answer to that,' Stella said, shortly making eye contact before returning her attention to the ceiling. 'Now sleep.' 'I'm afraid to close my eyes, because I'm afraid you'll be gone when I wake up,' Scully confessed loudly to the quiet room, her voice breaking in honesty and vulnerability like a mirror dropped on a cold concrete floor. 'If I want to leave, are you going to try and stop me?' Stella's icy voice said seriously, analytically. 'No,' Scully said, 'And that's what I'm afraid of.' Stella finally granted her the courtesy of eye contact, rolling back onto her side to face Dana once more. Scully's heart faltered as she saw something there she had seen before, however briefly, last night when Stella had woken up from her nightmare. Fear and dependency, the two things she knew Stella feared the most in her heart. Only this time it wasn't just a flash – no, it was there, openly, for what seemed like hours for Scully to absorb and recognize and form an opinion on and judge – but she didn't. She just smiled sweetly, reassuringly, and raised Stella's hand to her lips. 'I love you too much for you to be gone tomorrow morning,' she said, repeating her earlier confession, disguising it in a sentence more for Stella than for herself. Stella watched how Dana kissed her knuckles and then moved her fingers to catch Dana's chin before laying her hand back down between them. 'I won't leave,' Stella said quietly. 'Get some sleep.'

Scully tucked her head back onto her pillow, shifting a little to get comfortable. Stella turned on her back but her hand found Dana's, locked their fingers and moved their linked hands to lie on Stella's stomach. Scully pulled the blanket a little higher around them and moved a little closer to Stella to put the soft fabric of her cardigan between them. She entangled her legs with Stella's as if to lock her to the bed and closed her eyes. 'Sleep tight,' Scully whispered and Stella huffed lightly. 'Don't be surprised if I wake you up.' Scully nodded lightly. 'I know, I'll be here.' She knew the darkness that resided in Stella's brain and she knew that Pandora's box had been cracked wide open, but she meant what she'd said – Stella would be gone from her arms after tonight so she'd do everything she could to keep her as close and as safe as possible for however little time they had.

Upon parting: give it a few months


	14. Our Last Night

Courage Is A Woman

Chapter 14.

Our Last Night.

" _If a person is able to do to others what she fears may be done to her she may no longer be afraid."_

Quietly Stella found her robe and fetched another one from the bathroom. When she came back Scully was sitting on the side of the bed, hands next to her clutching the side of the bed, her hair falling in perfect waves along her cheeks effectively hiding her face. She was still naked, having abandoned her panties somewhere between the sheets. Stella thought how housekeeping would find them if she left them there but honestly she didn't care and she knew that at this moment Dana didn't either, so she left them and quietly handed Dana the robe. Dana lifted her chin and looked up at her with shining eyes. 'Thank you,' she said earnestly, referring to so much more than the robe. She stood on slightly shaking legs and tied the terrycloth piece of comfort tightly around her waist. Stella extended her hand as she finished fixing her own robe and Dana took it gratefully, remembering to grab the remaining wine as well. They slipped on some shoes for the short walk and Scully reached for Stella's key card that was on the table by the door, handing it to her before collecting her own and leading the way back to her own room. They didn't run in to anyone in the hallway and Stella was grateful, knowing that it wasn't really a secret what they'd been doing and she wasn't sure of Dana would be comfortable with being seen like this. She smelled the wine in her hair and felt it stick slightly to her neck and she chuckled. 'What?' Scully said, her voice soft and rough around the edges. 'I just realized that you're right, this is a mess,' Stella admitted softly as she followed Scully back into her room. 'We can shower later, right now I just want you close,' Scully said and Stella nodded, pulling her closer by the hand as she closed the door behind her. She put her arms around Scully for a sweet moment before grabbing two water glasses from the tray table by the door with a single hand and following Scully to the bed.

She watched with a warm heart as Dana climbed on the bed and settled against the pillows. Stella divided the wine between them and put both glasses on the side table before joining Dana, pulling her body flush against hers as soon as she could. Scully buried her chin in the collar of the robe as Stella felt her hands on the tie around her waist. She directed her eyes to where Dana's hands were busy untying her robe and she smiled inwardly. It was such a simple pleasure but such an important one to feel one's skin against another and Stella was glad Scully trusted her enough to reveal that this was her need. 'You're incredible,' Scully said into her neck as she succeeded in untying the robe. Stella felt Scully's hand on the small of her back pulling her waist closer to her own and she relaxed against Dana's body. 'So are you,' Stella replied. 'You're much more experienced,' Scully said almost shyly, 'So I don't think it's fair to compare.' 'You're wrong,' Stella whispered. 'If it was just sex, then yes, but I'd say I'm as inexperienced as you are.' It was the best she could do and Scully felt the truth of it down to her core. The slight break in her voice and the gritty hoarseness that Stella allowed gave away a lot more than she would have dared to reveal mere days ago. 'Anyway, I'm not comparing,' she added. 'Sorry if I'm asking too much,' Scully offered softly. Stella shook her head lightly. 'Never apologize for asking for what you need. It's a sign of strength. Too often we're told that our needs aren't important but they are imperative to our happiness.' Scully smiled into Stella's naked shoulder. 'Self-love and self-destruction,' she remembered. Stella sighed deeply. 'There are certain lines I cannot cross,' she said, and Scully shifted closer in silent strength. 'It's not because I don't want to,' Stella continued, 'it's because it's the only thing that's going to make me strong and independent enough.' Dana felt her lean back and she felt her eyes on her face. Angling her chin upwards she met Stella's eyes. 'I don't agree,' she said softly, 'I know we're strongest together. But I understand and deeply respect that your life has told you differently. I'll never ask anything of you that's too much.' Stella looked down across Scully's face, uncomfortable with how she was the vulnerable one. 'Come nightfall tomorrow there will be more questions than answers between us,' Stella said, 'And I don't like uncertainty in my life.' Scully nodded. 'I know. You have a lot of shit to deal with and so do I. We'll talk, Stella, I promise. We won't lose touch.' Stella sighed. 'Maybe give it a few months,' she requested quietly. 'Maybe it's best if we get our lives together first.' Scully moved a finger up to cover Stella's lips. 'Shh, we can talk about the technicalities tomorrow. Let's not ruin a perfect evening.' Stella smiled and kissed the finger that felt warm against her chilly lips. It fell down to lie on the side of her neck and she covered Scully's hand with her own. 'I'm hungry,' she whispered with a smile on her face. Scully frowned and Stella's heart warmed at the wrinkles that formed between her brows. 'After that burger? Wow…' Stella chuckled. 'I'll order room service,' she said but she didn't move a muscle.

Later, a few hours past midnight, they were cuddled up on Scully's bed. There was an empty bottle of wine on the night stand. Stella was wearing one of Dana's oversized cardigans, one of the sides covering Scully's side as well in order to keep them warm. Underneath the soft fabric Dana's arms were wrapped tightly around Stella's body where Stella's one arm was between them and the other held the woolly fabric softly to Scully's side. The air between them was calm and darkly thick, almost as if something had suddenly come down on them and they were grieving the inevitability of the result. However there was an overwhelming feeling of peace surrounding them as well as they had both accepted that this was their last night in New York. There was no room for depression but they had both accepted that a certain level of wistfulness as inevitable and maybe even healthy as it would lead to them spending their precious time as fully and wholly as possible. They were both on their sides and Stella had her chin tucked safely on top of Scully's head, almost hiding her from the world. Somehow she could feel a question approaching and in some way she already knew she wasn't going to like it. Her heart was so open that even the slightest movement or sound seemed dangerous, but she couldn't find the strength to shield herself. After a few minutes the unspoken words became too loud in the air between them and Dana finally spoke, the question already heavy on her mind.

'What was her name?' she asked quietly, her voice slow-motioning through the words. 'No,' Stella said rather forcefully, as if on instinct.

'It's okay,' Scully pushed, encouraged by the alcohol in her system, 'I'm not her. And you're the one who's leaving.' 'That's not fair,' Stella answered, turning on her back to face the ceiling. 'You haven't asked me to stay.' 'Would you?' Scully said, moving to her stomach and leaning her head in her hands as she watched Stella. 'You know the answer to that,' Stella said, shortly making eye contact before returning her attention to the ceiling. 'Now sleep.' 'I'm afraid to close my eyes, because I'm afraid you'll be gone when I wake up,' Scully confessed loudly to the quiet room, her voice breaking in honesty and vulnerability like a mirror dropped on a cold concrete floor. 'If I want to leave, are you going to try and stop me?' Stella's icy voice said seriously, analytically. Scully frowned at the clarity with which Stella spoke – how on Earth was she mustering this kind of eloquence after two bottles of wine? 'No,' Scully finally said, 'And that's what I'm afraid of.' Stella finally granted her the courtesy of eye contact, rolling back onto her side to face Dana once more. Scully's weak heart faltered as she saw something there she had seen before, however briefly, last night when Stella had woken up from her nightmare. Fear and dependency, the two things she knew Stella feared the most in her heart. Only this time it wasn't just a flash – no, it was there, openly, for what seemed like hours for Scully to absorb and recognize and form an opinion on and judge – but she didn't. She just smiled sweetly, reassuringly, and raised Stella's hand to her lips. 'I love you too much for you to be gone tomorrow morning,' she said, repeating her earlier confession, disguising it in a sentence and in a slur of alcoholic bliss more for Stella than for herself. Stella watched how Dana kissed her knuckles and then moved her fingers to catch Dana's chin before laying her hand back down between them. 'I won't leave,' Stella said quietly. 'Get some sleep.'

Scully tucked her head back onto her pillow, shifting a little to get comfortable. Stella turned on her back but her hand found Dana's, locked their fingers and moved their linked hands to lie on Stella's stomach. Scully pulled the blanket a little higher around them and moved a little closer to Stella to put the soft fabric of her cardigan between them. She entangled her legs with Stella's as if to lock her to the bed and closed her eyes. 'Sleep tight,' Scully whispered and Stella huffed lightly. 'Don't be surprised if I wake you up.' Scully nodded lightly. 'I know, I'll be here.' She knew the darkness that resided in Stella's brain and she knew that Pandora's box had been cracked wide open, but she meant what she'd said – Stella would be gone from her arms after tonight so she'd do everything she could to keep her as close and as safe as possible for however little time they had.

Stella lay quietly next to Dana as she felt her slowly fall asleep. She glanced down once, careful not to disturb the redheaded ball of miracles at her side, and she was relieved to see that Dana was indeed fast asleep. Stella tried to stay awake for as long as possible, softly memorizing the feeling of Dana's hand in hers and Dana's warmth next to her cold vessel of a body. Stella thought back to everything they'd talked to and it sunk in how much Dana had given her and how close she'd come to giving it back to her. Stella knew how to take, but she was just learning how to give and even though it was the hardest thing she'd ever done she knew she'd be better for it. Dreading the moment she set foot in London again Stella tried to imagine what her plan was going to be once she was home, but she stopped quickly after realizing the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes. She could remain in denial for a little while longer, she decided, and yawned as she turned her head to look out across the buildings that still shone outside. They had left the curtain partially open again and there was a soft light shining through the gap. She felt Dana's fingers tense and relax between hers and she reassuringly squeezed them, reminding her of her presence. She felt Dana move a little beside her and sighing Stella leaned her head into Dana's. The fresh, warm scent she'd come to associate with Dana Scully hung around her, clinging comfortably to the cardigan she'd been handed after another shower. Her hair was slightly wet still, and she remembered how Dana had washed the wine-scented ends for her in the shower they'd shared. After their light dinner she'd shared another half bottle of wine with Dana, asking her to drown the future with her for at least a little while. Dana had obliged her with a weak protest but soon the bottle was half-empty and their hearts half-filled with alcohol induced warmth. It had been that giddiness and borrowed ease that had them against the shower wall again, Stella pinning Dana against cold tiles on one side and her hot body on the other. She hadn't made her come, but they had explored and touched and enjoyed each other as if it was the last time. A few minutes later Stella had promised Scully it wouldn't be, and Scully had cried into her shoulder. It was then that she'd asked Stella to turn away before starting to carefully rinse and wash her hair. Stella had accepted Scully's care and she'd silently stayed close to her while she worked. With a doctor's precision she'd made sure Stella's blonde locks were clean and fresh before dropping a kiss between her shoulder blades and asking her to turn around with a single touch. No words had been spoken – and they'd both been at least a little tipsy – but somehow it had been the sweetest, softest encounter they'd shared. Afterwards, Dana had handed Stella her towel and with a small smile had handed her the cardigan to wear, knowing full well Stella didn't have any other clean clothes in Dana's room. Of course she could have asked or taken other things but Stella had cocked an eyebrow at Dana, taken the cardigan from her and pulled it on before exiting the bathroom to stand in front of the window. It was dark by then and with the lights low in the room she knew no one would see her, but still it had felt dangerous and dangerous was what she'd needed. After a few minutes Dana had grasped her hand and softly guided her to the bed, where they'd finished the bottle that had accompanied their dinner and opened another one after Scully had, laughing like a child, pulled Stella back under the covers before running to the door to get the bottle from the attendant before Stella had a chance to do so in just the cardigan. Shortly after that the robe Scully had been wearing had been abandoned and they'd fallen into blissfully easy conversation about nothing at all.

Remembering it made Stella's heart beat a little faster and she felt a lump form in her throat. Her flight was at six tomorrow evening, and Dana had been right, it had been her plan to secretly leave their bed come morning to avoid an awkward goodbye. She was experienced in that, in awkward goodbyes, but she felt like walking away would have been easier this time – not because she wanted to leave or Dana didn't deserve an honest, heartfelt parting, but more so because Stella wanted to avoid breaking her heart even more. But of course Dana had seen right through her plan and it showed Stella that she'd been foolish – leaving her wouldn't make it easier, it would make it worse because she wouldn't have the chance to look into Scully's eyes and tell her goodbye without telling her she loved her.

Scully woke a few hours later to a stinging feeling in her arm. It was the arm that was trapped underneath Stella's body, and even though Stella now laid partially on her back Scully's arm was still slowly losing blood. Carefully she tried to shift in order to free her limb, but the increasing pins and needles she felt made it impossible to do without moving too much. As slowly as possible she turned further onto her side, trying to lean on her numb elbow and failing, effectively bumping her knees against Stella's thigh. Stella shifted and sighed, an inaudible stream of sounds coming from her lips as she turned back towards Scully. Scully realized how hot Stella's body felt turning towards her and she took advantage of the way Stella moved to pull her arm back towards herself before shifting back a little to put some space between them. She needed the feeling in her arm to return back to normal and as she waited for it to do so she heard Stella whisper something. She turned her head to the side and witnessed Stella's shining skin break out in chills as she seemed almost feverish beside her. 'Don't,' Stella muttered softly. Scully listened intently to the sounds coming from Stella's shaking lips as she watched her face go through a myriad of strangled emotions. Slowly the feeling in Scully's arm returned as well, and she became aware of the lingering warmth and damp coldness from Stella's body on her stinging forearm. She wanted to calm her, to wake her, but Stella seemed quiet again – only for a moment – before she sobbed lightly and whispered something again. Her lips were partially hidden in the pillow, but still, smothered and slightly tensely Stella managed to form three audible words. 'Don't leave me.'

Dana felt a shiver throughout her body as she realized that Stella was indeed dreaming again. Where before the serial murderer had continued to haunt her where he shouldn't be the door had now been opened for other demons. Demons from a past that was longing to be forgotten, but that had been awakened by their earlier conversations – Scully realized she'd probably sealed Stella's fate just a few hours before when she'd asked about the woman's name, the one that had broken Stella's heart for good, the one that kept Stella from truly feeling comfortable with hear heart. They were so different, but Scully related to Stella's struggle so much that she regretted bringing it up – of course Stella would dream about the one that got away. The one that could have changed her entire life, the one person that would have made her happy. Next to her, Stella shifted again and Scully scooted a little further away to look upon Stella's face. Her left hand came to Stella's upper arm, trying with a touch to comfort and anchor her to this reality. 'Don't go,' Stella whispered again, and Scully brushed a few locks of hair out of her face with a finger. She saw Stella's brow furrowed, a light sweat covering her forehead. 'It's ok,' Scully whispered softly. 'Stella, it's ok.' Stella seemed to wince, curling up into the cradle of her own body as Scully returned her hand to Stella's arm. She closed her eyes, unable to look at the vulnerability and intimacy of the personal moment Stella was experiencing in her dreams. She kept her touch light as she contemplated waking Stella up when another few words fell from Stella's lips.

'Dana, don't go.'

Scully froze as she felt every ounce of strength she had ever felt leave her body and come back to it again. Her arms tingled, deeper than before, and her fingers on Stella's arm squeezed softly but wholly unbeknownst to her. There was a deep, haunting moment lasting an eternity where Scully thought she must have misheard, but she knew she hadn't, in fact, nothing in this trip had been clearer to her than the name that had just drifted down from Stella's dream and changed everything. Scully felt her entire body shiver and scooted closer to Stella again, her left hand caressing her feverishly warm back through the fabric of her cardigan and her right hand coming to carefully touch Stella's chin. 'Hey,' Scully whispered softly. 'It's ok, I'm right here.' She felt so much towards Stella that she abandoned the debate about waking her and just settled on the tenderness and care she felt towards this woman, no matter what the outcome. Her hands traveled along the expanse of Stella's back, pressing into the fabric and wishing she could feel Stella's skin there as her other hand found the space between Stella's chin and neck. Instinctively Stella pushed into Dana's hand and what little had remained of the wall around her heart crumbled forever in favor of this woman who had so much to give.

As Scully searched for Stella's face she felt her tense and move a little, signaling her coming back into consciousness. 'Hey,' Scully said softly as she looked into two hazy blue eyes. Stella was quiet for a moment, as if trying to remember who she was. Her face hardened for a moment before it relaxed again, and Stella smiled softly at her. 'Hi, did I wake you?' Scully shook her head slowly. 'No, did you have a nightmare?' 'I don't… know,' Stella answered contemplatively. 'I don't remember.' Scully offered a small smile. 'It's early, try to sleep some more,' she said and Stella heard in the littleness of her voice that something was wrong. 'Did you?' she asked. 'Sleep?' Scully asked. 'Have a nightmare,' Stella clarified. 'No,' Scully said. 'I woke and you felt warm and you were mumbling something so I was afraid I might have triggered some dormant memory.' Stella searched Dana's eyes until Dana turned away, tucking her chin down to her chest a little. 'Any dream that lasts too long becomes a nightmare,' Stella said softly and Scully wondered if she indeed didn't remember. She decided not to ask because it would undoubtedly veer into discomfort for Stella and she still didn't want to risk losing the warmth that laid next to her until she absolutely had to. 'Sleep,' Stella directed her with a kiss in her hair and Scully closed her eyes, knowing she wouldn't but hoping Stella would follow her own advice and find some peace in what remained of the night.

Two hours later she was still awake next to the warm, breathing body that was Stella Gibson. She hadn't moved, and neither had Stella, but Stella's mind had abandoned her for sleep almost immediately after their conversation. By now, the light had risen outside and quiet warmth was spreading throughout the room. Scully disengaged herself from the bed and used the bathroom before starting to pack as quietly as she could. It hurt her deeply to gather her belongings, but she knew it had to end some time, and that time was today. She'd had two hours to prepare herself and she'd used them wisely, devising a plan for the day that would make their goodbye as easy as it could be. Also, she'd spent every moment fearing the second Stella would try to get up and leave her despite her promise, and somehow she felt bad that she hadn't trusted Stella to keep her word even after the words she'd uttered while asleep. And lastly she'd come to the heartbreaking conclusion that Stella feared abandonment as much as she did. However somewhere between those thoughts there should have been some logic, some way for her mind to console one with the other, but there hadn't been. They were just random thoughts that didn't have any weight or meaning, and Scully recognized that as a dangerous thing. So she'd noted in her phone to see her own therapist about this as well, recognizing the symptoms of an inevitable downfall. It had given her some peace, but it had made her want to forget about it as well and so she'd busied herself with gathering toiletries and discarded folders in an attempt to mask and forget her pain. And it worked. At least for a little while.

Stella woke to the sounds of zippers and plastic and cold and loneliness. She was aware of Dana in the room but the second she realized she wasn't beside her a concrete rock called betrayal tried to settle in her stomach. She wouldn't allow it to, she fought it for a moment lying down before deciding the only way to get rid of it was to combat it with something stronger. So she stood, walked across the room and past Dana into the bathroom without so much as a look. Scully sighed, shiveringly, knowing that this was the one thing she didn't want today. She waited until she heard water running in the bathroom before carefully opening the door, delighted that Stella hadn't locked her out. She stood behind her by the sink as Stella washed her hands and face before defiantly meeting Dana's eyes in the mirror. 'Good morning,' Scully said softly, noticing how she still wasn't wearing anything beside the cardigan. 'Morning,' Stella replied, studying her intently with slightly squinted eyes before turning away and leaving Scully standing at the sink. Without another word Stella dropped Dana's cardigan next to the bed and put on one of the robes, tied it around her tightly and exited the room. Scully watched her, sighed as the door closed and nodded to herself. She recognized Stella's distance as something that wasn't born out of anger but out of love and she knew that even if Stella's response was slightly childlike it had been inevitable from the moment she'd left the bed. Inadvertently and unintentionally she'd made Stella experience what she'd been afraid of having to deal with herself, because even if she hadn't effectively left the room she'd still let Stella wake up to an empty space beside her. 'Stupid,' she muttered to herself before continuing to pack.

A few minutes later she heard a slightly apprehensive knock on her door and she smiled inwardly, preparing herself for a steely look but a tender heart as she opened the door to reveal Stella Gibson. Scully smiled sweetly and stepped aside, mentioning for Stella to come in. Casually dressed in leggings and a fitted T-shirt Stella looked more composed than she had before, and apart from the half step she stayed behind her Scully found no cracks in her mask. 'I'm sorry,' Scully started. 'Don't,' Stella said, 'you did nothing wrong. Scully nodded and watched how Stella busied herself with folding some of Scully's clothes. 'I'm going for a swim before heading off to breakfast, if you'd like to join me,' she said. Scully took a folded T-shirt from her and smiled. 'I didn't bring a swimsuit but I'd love to have breakfast with you,' she answered. 'And I thought after that we could go to the library before you leave.' It was an idea she'd had while listening to Stella's breathing, an idea that had stayed with her and formed into the best imaginable version of today. She'd spend the morning briefing Stella on what she'd found while examining the case and that way their relationship could take on a slightly more professional feel before they'd have to say goodbye. Stella considered it for a moment, raising her chin to study Scully before nodding. 'I like that.' Scully moved to the bathroom to gather the rest of her toiletries and she heard Stella's footfalls on the carpeted floor. As she put the tiny bottles in their pouch she looked up, finding Stella's warm eyes in the mirror. Standing behind her Stella seemed taller in her flats than Scully, who was barefoot, and Scully admired the way Stella's low ponytail curled around her shoulder. However her eyes caught Scully's attention again as they pierced and screamed at her until Stella herself couldn't stay silent anymore. 'It's me who has to say sorry,' she said softly, 'because I think I remember promising you I wouldn't leave.' The chaos in her face and her eyes was a gorgeous contrast to the calm and collected posture in her body and Scully smiled at her, lifting her chin and turning around to softly catch Stella's jaw in her hands. She kissed her softly before releasing her and Stella smiled bravely, testing the boundaries of her own heart. 'I'll see you downstairs in two hours, love,' she whispered before turning to leave. She didn't see how Scully nodded and swallowed, but she knew that somehow, today would have to be the day she told her she loved her.


	15. If Courage Were A Woman

_Author's Note: Dear readers, this is the last chapter of this story. I'm working on a new story over on AO3 (White Christmas) that I'll post under a different name here so that it can hopefully be the start of a collection. I love this couple and I can't let them go._

 _Enjoy._

Courage Is A Woman.

Chapter 15

" _What will not woman, gentle woman dare; when strong affection stirs her spirit up?"_

As Stella tried to exhaust her trembling body in the pool she came to a cold realization. As her muscles strained to increase her pace she felt her core and was reminded of everything she and Dana had shared – and that the last of those encounters had probably come and gone without them fully realizing it. She remembered promises of more from yesterday but somehow this morning had been completely contrary to how she had imagined it. She knew Dana's intention was to try and find their professionalism that was the basis of their friendship and to leave it there for now, but Stella understood how that need was born out of fear more so than logic. The alternative was open and complete heartbreak and that was something they were both utterly uncomfortable with and not in any way ready for. Stella already missed Dana's tentative touch, her explorations, the wonder in her eyes at the way Stella responded to her tender fingers. Still, she had said to meet her downstairs in now an hour and fifteen minutes and that meant they'd be heading off to the library after breakfast. Stella was more or less packed, having done so in the short forty minutes she had just spent in her room so she wouldn't have to rush later. That meant that they'd check out after breakfast and that would be it. That would be the end of their private conversations, intimate encounters and uniquely personal experiences. As she started another lap she realized she couldn't just end it like this.

Scully was quietly stuffing her pants into their packing cubes when she heard a knock on her door. 'Who is it?' she inquired, not expecting any visitors. 'Dana, it's me,' she heard Stella strongly state on the other side of the door. Frowning she looked at the time, was it that late already? No, she still had an hour left and yet somehow Stella was here. Slightly confused and worried she opened the door and saw Stella standing there, her hair up in a towel, dressed in a silk blouse and pants and looking down to the side as if the hinges would open the door if only she looked hard enough. 'Stella, what…' It was all Scully could say before Stella locked eyes with her, pushed her back inside and turned her to maneuver her into the door. It clicked shut against the doorframe and Scully's head hit back against it but Stella's descending lips made her forget any pain. 'Stel,' she tried to get in, but Stella wasn't giving her anything – she was intent on taking everything she could. As Stella devoured Scully's lips and mouth Scully tried to squirm away, tried to push her back, not because she didn't want it but because she was afraid – afraid of whatever emotion was manipulating Stella into this kind of desperation. Stella wouldn't let her get away, trapping her between the door and her body, aching to feel her closer one last time. Stella's fingers worked on the buttons of Scully's top and somehow simultaneously opened her own, leaving Scully in her T-shirt and Stella in her cream colored lace bra. As Stella finally let go of Scully's lips she locked eyes with Dana for a second, trying to gauge if the severity of the situation needed explaining. Scully smiled a small smile and pulled her T-shirt over her head to join the rest of their clothes in a pile. 'I need you,' she whispered softly and pulled Stella close again, kissing her full bottom lip before lavishing her tongue between her lips once more. Stella pulled back a little to undo Dana's bra as Scully's hands had already freed Stella's back from the clasp that lay there, imprisoning the softest part of Stella's body. Scully's hands tore the bra straps from Stella's shoulders and discarded of the bra before finding her jaw line with her lips, breathing into the soft skin there before kissing a path back to Stella's lips. Stella's hands were everywhere and Scully felt her all around her, strong, demanding and in control and she loved it. This was a side of Stella she hadn't experienced yet – she knew of its existence and she'd seen it in a professional setting but she hadn't actually been pushed against a door and taken in this way by Stella before. Sure, she'd been in control, she'd pushed her against walls and she'd left her with no choice but to surrender to orgasm but this felt different. Stella was trying to be strong, for both of them, and the juxtaposition of it was interesting and alluring to Scully as she felt both empowered and infinitely helpless.

Stella's hand pushed its way into Scully's leggings and she spread her legs on instinct, welcoming her searching fingers and pushing at her pants to feel Stella's naked ass in her hands. Stella took one of her wrists and pinned it against the door, holding her there, without words but her intention loud and clear as her lips stilled a little. Her kiss became soft and intimate contrary to her searching hand that had pushed its way into Dana's panties and found her lower lips already wet with anticipation. Stella's towel dropped from her head in a feathery sound and her hair fell loose around her face, still wet and tangled like everything else around them. 'Stella,' Scully sighed into Stella's mouth and Stella leaned back a little to look upon Dana's face. Stella was quiet as she searched Dana's eyes for discomfort and found none. Her eyes settled on Dana's lips, watching how her tongue darted out and how her lower lip got caught between her teeth as Stella stroked and pushed. She entered Dana with two fingers and felt her tight walls around her, grabbing her fingers immediately as Scully's brow frowned and arched simultaneously. Stella pulled back and stroked her lips once more before pushing one finger up her wet channel, testing her before adding the second to make sure the frown she'd seen hadn't been born out of discomfort because she couldn't be sure. Scully moaned this time and her head turned to the side, laying against the hand that Stella still had pinned there. Stella pushed Dana's leggings down and off her legs before nudging her knees apart a little, smiling inwardly at the way Dana held her arm up against the wall as if it was stuck there. Dana's eyes opened and followed Stella's head as her lips fell to Dana's breasts, where her bra was still hanging loosely from her soft globes. Stella's lips encountered a soft dusky blue fabric first before pushing it out of the way. The soft crackle of ripping fabric sounded loudly in the room causing them both to chuckle before Stella pushed Dana back on a moan and captured her nipple between her lips. Scully forgot how to chuckle as she breathlessly felt Stella everywhere, all over and inside her, all at once and she wondered for a brief second how she was going to live without this. Since they had silently agreed not to talk she just enjoyed Stella's sudden need for contact and reveled in the way she took it. Soon the waves of desire in Dana's body were unmistakable to both of them as Scully's body sank lower onto Stella's hand, her knees struggling to hold her up. Stella moved in closer, pulling the last remaining pieces of clothing from Scully's body with a huff before dropping onto her knees and burying her cheek in Dana's tummy. Her nails raked along Scully's side and Scully pushed her skin into Stella, needing her hands on her nipples and on her clit more than she needed her next breath. The hand that wasn't supporting her entire body weight against the wall roughly directed Stella's searching fingers up to her nipples, pushing her upper body into Stella's palm as she hummed her pleasure through closed lips. Stella listened and replied to the call of Dana's body as her fingers picked up their pace inside of Dana, pumping into her on a steady rhythm as Stella set out on a quest to find Dana's most sensitive areas. She quickly found a rhythm that sent Dana's eyes rolling backwards into her head and a loud moan broke the silence that had been surrounding and safeguarding them. It broke like glass around them and Stella winced at the sudden loss of reverence in the air but she welcomed Dana's vocalism and openness with a swirl of her tongue around Dana's navel, pushing her body closer into Dana's leg to hold her up. She kept stroking, pushing in and out steadily and strongly as Dana slowly unraveled before her eyes. She had meant to make Dana come hard and fast before confessing her desires to her but now she wanted to prolong it, keep Dana on the edge for a moment before pushing her hard through that final barrier into oblivion. The woman in her arms however seemed to have different ideas as her body betrayed her and hurled closer and closer to that inevitable edge. Dana's inner walls clenched around her fingers and one look at Dana's lips told Stella she was close, her voice changing from a breathy whimper to an insistent moan as her fingers dug into Stella's arm. 'Stella,' Scully said once, meant as a winded warning but with such desire that Stella couldn't help but search for her eyes. Finding them was easy, she was pulled inevitably into Scully's baby blue pools of azure wisdom like a magnet and she knew their separation would be equally as hard. Scully met her eyes, tears on the verge of falling with her into an abyss so deep she was sure she'd never return from it as Stella's body asked something of her that she was almost afraid to give. The tenderness that showed in Stella's eyes was enough for her to at least trust Stella, even if she didn't fully trust herself, and with that she pushed down on Stella's hand and bit her lip once more encouraging Stella to continue. She did, increasing her tempo and pressure on Dana's G-spot a little, dragging her lips and tongue all across Dana's belly and sides before sinking her teeth into the skin on her hip. Scully felt a blinding pleasure approach like a swarm of birds, freely, chaotically but fully coordinated and orchestrated by Stella's fingers on her and inside of her and without as much as a touch to her clit Scully came in an orgasm that tore through her like a tornado through an autumn tree – taking with it everything that was willing to go, everything she had she gave to Stella in a moment that was unexpected and incredibly moving to both of them. Tears streamed quietly down Scully's face as she pulled Stella up and buried her face in her hair, willing her tears to be lost in the unruly tresses that surrounded them. Stella held Dana's head close for a moment before pulling back, grabbing Dana's bra off the floor.

'I needed to see you,' she explained softly, handing Dana the bra. Scully looked at it, inspecting where she'd heard the rip and quickly giving up on pretending she cared about it at all. She dropped it back on the floor and looked at Stella, waiting for more of an explanation. Stella felt what was needed from her and willingly gave it. She took Scully's hair and pushed it out of her face into a loose ponytail, twisting it around a few times before leaving it behind her back. She grabbed Dana's T-shirt off the floor as well, holding it out for Dana to ignore and she smiled as Dana took it from her and pulled it over her head as well as pulling on her panties, covering herself slightly before taking Stella's hand and leading her to the nearest sofa. 'One last time,' Stella whispered to her and Dana nodded. 'One last time.' 'I was afraid you'd go all professional on me at the library and I wouldn't get another chance,' Stella admitted. Dana nodded. 'That was the idea. I think it's better if we leave this on a friendly note. You know, make it easier.' Stella nodded, sitting down while pulling Dana down onto her lap. She was naked from the waist up but she truly didn't care and she reveled in the softness of Dana's t-shirt against her naked skin, leaning her cheek against the side of Dana's breast as Dana wrapped one arm around her neck. 'You're right, but we're not there yet,' Stella said. 'We have almost an hour left before we have to meet for breakfast.' 'And another two after that until checkout,' Dana added, 'but we have so much to do. I have to pack…' Stella interrupted her with a soft kiss to the fabric closest to her and a squeeze as her hand found Dana's. 'I know. I was merely joking. I was swimming laps and I realized that I might never get to do that again.' Scully shook her head lightly. 'We said we'd talk, and we will,' she started. 'We can't just let this go. I can't do that.' Stella nodded. 'I agree, but I was still fearful of taking that risk. There's a chance that I might never get to see you again. I know it's not what we're aiming for but life happens and as time passes who knows what will happen to us.' 'I don't want your realism,' Scully admitted quietly, 'But I know I can't rely on magic or fate. Stella wrapped both her arms tightly around Dana's midsection and buried her face in the side of her breast again, feeling Dana's hand on her cheek holding her close as they thought about what they were about to do. 'I thought about what you said yesterday,' Scully said carefully. 'About us needing time apart and I think I agree. I'm just not ready to put us on a schedule.' Stella chuckled softly into Dana's side, sending a ticklish shiver up her spine at the unexpected sensation. 'I don't even know any more if that's the right thing. I know we both have a lot going on and that will take time. But who is to say that we can't be of help to each other through all of it?' Scully dropped her chin into Stella's hair, rubbing it softly in contemplation. 'I think you're right and we should take some time first. Let everything settle, see how we feel. I mean... I'm with Mulder, I have to think about what to do first because I know I have very deep and meaningful feelings for him. But I also know he has problems that I can't fix.' Stella sighed and leaned back. Scully removed her arm from behind Stella's neck to allow her to lean her head more comfortably and Stella shifted her a little on her lap to put her in an intimate position as she pulled her knee up behind Dana's back. The chair was big enough to hold them like this, Scully sitting with her legs over one of Stella's and over the side of the chair as she folded into the V of Stella's legs and leaned her shoulder into Stella's side. Her arm fit perfectly into the space under Stella's and her head came to lie on Stella's shoulder close to her naked breast. Dana sighed at the perfect intimacy of it all and relaxed against Stella's body one last time before they would have to pull up their walls and prepare for bad weather. After a few moments Scully turned her face to carefully kiss the skin under her cheek, where a faint scar adorned the woman warrior that was beneath her. Softly she sighed and tried to muster the courage to speak.

'Can I say it?' she asked quietly.

Stella's bottom lip trembled and instinctively she clenched her teeth to stop it. She felt the walls closing in on her, because she had anticipated this moment but found she was as ill-prepared as ever. This was dangerous. This broke a rule and still, she knew that if she just allowed it to happen it wouldn't hurt. Relaxing her jaw again she was overwhelmed by memories of people telling her what to do in a situation like this – lower your shoulders, loosen your jaw, release your tongue from pressing against the roof of your mouth – She did it all and bravely looked down at where Dana was expectantly looking up at her. 'Yes,' she said softly. 'Yes, you can.'

'I love you,' Scully whispered, as if to test how the words were formed on her lips. As if she'd never said them before and wanted to test their value, their weight and their significance – but there was no doubt about what they meant between them as Stella felt a strange shiver run all the way up from her toes to the crown of her head and the tips of her fingers. It made her slightly lightheaded and it transported her away for a moment but soon she was back on planet Earth, in New York, with Dana Scully and all she could do was turn her face down towards the beautiful redhead's lips and kiss her, kiss her like there was no tomorrow. Because for them, there wouldn't be.

Scully closed her eyes and accepted the kiss openly, happy that she'd taken the chance and gathered the courage to just say it like this, on its own, without any devaluation or context. It was true, she loved Stella Gibson and there was no way around it. It was new to her, undiscovered country, and she knew that it was to Stella as well as she'd worked half her life moving away from something like this. Yet here they were, in this together, about to be separated to different sides of the world but still madly in love. She felt how Stella's hand wiped away a tear she didn't know had left her and she smiled into the kiss. 'I'm happy,' she managed, trying to reassure Stella that these weren't sad tears. As she opened her eyes she saw how Stella nodded and wiped away a tear of her own, dabbing it into her shining skin before raising an eyebrow at Scully in complete and utter understanding. 'Me too,' she replied, seemingly to Scully's statement of happiness but Scully knew it was an admission of so much more. Stella might never be able to say it back but really, she didn't have to. She had already shown Scully a thousand times over that she was capable of a love that ran much deeper than Scully's ever had and even though Stella might not trust herself to be strong enough give it Scully trusted her, and she knew that together they'd be strong enough to deal with absolutely everything. They stayed close to each other for a few minutes, relaxing, knowing that their joined heartbeats meant the passing of time but that it also meant the precious gift of a few more shared moments. Stella felt stronger than she'd imagined, always having feared that to be loved by someone meant to owe them the same in return but with Dana it was natural. Of course she loved her, more than life itself and she was sure Dana knew that. Still, hearing her say the words had made it so much more real that Stella wondered if Dana would miss it if she didn't say it back. She still didn't, not because she didn't want to but because she simply lacked the tools to know how to handle it. Slowly she felt how Dana's words sank in for both of them and how okay it was to have them out there. Stella smiled at the feeling that because they were out there, it was true, and somehow the words would take care of themselves for as long as they'd have to until one of them was ready to use them again. 'We'll be okay,' she said softly to Dana. 'I know we will be.' Scully nodded into her shoulder and placed a kiss there. Stella pushed herself up a little and Scully moved to stand, pushing herself out of the chair with straining arms. She watched Stella stand as well, still gloriously nude and unashamed. Scully's hands came up to Stella's collarbones, tracing the lines to her shoulder and following the curve upwards to her face. Holding Stella's face in her hands she admired every freckle, every slight imperfection on her beautiful face one more time before kissing it goodbye. Stella felt it in Scully's kiss, this was to be their last kiss. For now. She accepted it and made sure to press one last peck on the corner of Scully's mouth before she fully let her go. Grabbing her blouse off the floor she smiled over her shoulders. 'Breakfast in twenty, Dana.' Scully nodded and smirked at the slight disarray in which Stella would be leaving her room. So unlike her, she thought, and the preciousness of that tiny bit of knowledge was monumentally important to have.

Stella came downstairs a few minutes late, unlike her but understandably so given the way she'd spent her morning messing up all her previously planned scheduling. She'd taken a shower, a long one, after skillfully bringing herself to orgasm twice by her own hands but with an image of Dana clearly inside her head. She'd even called her name, on accident, and she'd felt free and happy until she'd been brutally reminded of their parting by a notification on her phone that she was checked in and ready to leave and did she want to pick a different chair. What, would it have Dana Scully in it? If not, she wasn't interested.

As she exited the lift she was met with the most composed version of Dana Scully she'd seen since the conference, which seemed like weeks ago. Scully was dressed in a smart skirt, blouse and blazer that fit her figure perfectly. Her high heels lifted her a little above Stella, who was in heels herself. Scully's outward appearance would have been enough to peak her interest on any day, but today she told herself she had to resist it – This was a business meeting. Business breakfast, if there was such a thing. So she smiled kindly at Dana, felt an immense feeling of longing and a stinging sadness when she didn't extend her hand for Stella to take and upon entering the café decided to sit in the seat opposite Dana instead of the one next to her – this would be helpful to them, it was all an act but it would help them. Scully smiled at her, thankful for understanding and cooperating, and Stella lifted her chin as if to say: This is my game and I know this better than anyone. Don't try to beat me at my own game. Scully understood and backed off a little, the atmosphere between them quickly shifting into friendly conversation instead of strained silence. Breakfast was good, hearty, and Stella skipped the coffee in favor of sleeping on the plane. Scully requested a take away cup and Stella wondered if she should remind her that there was no coffee allowed in the library but she decided against it –it seemed dangerous to challenge Dana, to test their fragile equilibrium, so she smiled when Dana looked at her and gestured for her to lead the way. They checked out, left their luggage at the reception and took just a few files with them to work on in the incredible silence and peace of the library amongst the busy streets of New York.

'This is good,' Stella commented as Scully pointed out a theory she'd thought of before but had now confirmed in a forensics handbook. 'You see, there can be extensive brain damage and people still remember everything. It's entirely possible that he knew all along. You were in mortal danger in that interrogation room pushing him like that.' Stella nodded, grabbing another book from the stack they had collected. She flicked her hair out of her face and flipped through the pages trying to find what she was looking for. 'Here,' she pointed at a paragraph as Scully leaned over. 'He felt threatened by me personally, so I think he waited his chance to attack me but he had it planned all along.' Scully hummed and frowned in concentration as she read the paragraph of the psychology handbook Stella was showing her. She smelled a mixture of her shampoo and the hotel toiletries in Stella's hair and it threw her off a little, almost forgetting that it was no longer allowed to smell her hair. But she didn't forget, and she didn't lean in that tiniest bit to catch a whiff of Stella's comforting and strengthening scent, and she didn't look when Stella raised an eyebrow at her proximity. Stella leaned back a little, grabbing her laptop to take notes and Scully refocused on the books in front of them. She'd shared her notes from a few days ago with Stella and they'd come to the conclusion that this would definitely help any case against Stella, given the fact that they'd almost irrevocably proven that Spector had faked his amnesia in favor of his court case. It didn't bring anyone back, no matter how much Stella wanted it to, but it helped. Stella took notes of everything, including book titles and pages, and Scully chuckled when Stella took a picture of her written notes and sent it to her computer. 'You're being thorough,' she commented. 'One can never be too thorough,' Stella replied, 'if I skip a step now I'll regret it later. I'm not one to regret things later.' Scully nodded. 'I know that feeling.'

About two hours later they'd finished as much as they would get done today and Stella stated she wanted to get to the airport early so they decided to call it a day. Stella thanked the staff after leaving a substantial amount of books with them to put back before walking out onto the steps down onto the street. Scully followed her, admiring the determined click of her heels on the concrete and the slight sway in her hips as if she was still allowed to. She caught herself, but allowed herself this tiny privilege of watching Stella walk one last time before they'd say goodbye. She knew she had a strong walk in heels, but Stella's was on another level and quietly Scully studied and practiced, following Stella back to the hotel being only half a stride behind her all the way.

They collected their luggage, made sure all the bills were paid and Stella left a generous tip before leaving the hotel for good. 'I'm taking a cab to JFK,' Stella announced when they were on the street. 'I don't know what your plans were for getting home.' 'I didn't have anything planned, I don't have to fly,' Scully said. 'I'll take the train or something.' It wasn't really her style but she felt like it, then anonymity of the train appealing to her as she was bound to be at least a little unsettled by the fact that she was about to say goodbye to Stella. 'All right,' Stella said, 'I think that's me.' She pointed at a cab coming around the corner to stop in front of the hotel. The driver stepped out and greeted them. 'Gibson?' he asked. Stella raised her chin at him. 'Detective Superintendent Gibson? She asked for clarification. The man nodded . 'Yes ma'am, that's the one.' Stella smiled kindly at him. 'Then that would be me. Could you give me a second?' The driver nodded, taking her bags from her and starting towards the end of the car to put them away. 'Well, this is it then,' Stella turned to Scully. 'I guess so,' Scully answered, her eyes focused on her feet as Stella tried desperately to look into her eyes. Finally, she lifted a finger under Scully's chin and raised it to meet her eyes. 'Don't avoid it,' Stella said softly. 'You know that the only thing between us will be distance. And no distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other's worth.' Scully smiled at her. 'Blake?' she asked. 'Southey, but I'm impressed,' Stella replied. 'Hmm,' Scully replied and gave Stella one last affectionate smile. 'He's right, and we'll prove it,' she said. 'Yes, we will,' Stella answered with a slow nod. 'Give it time and I am positive it will do for us what is best. Think about what it would mean to you, what your choices would do to your past and your future and decide wisely, like I know you will,' she said. Scully just pursed her lips and nodded, trying to figure out what she was feeling. She knew this moment was coming, but somehow all she longed for was to take Stella's hand and never let her go again. She had serious doubts of her ability to survive the next few minutes and she prayed that her legs would keep her up, as she had only once or twice in her entire life experienced such an intensity of emotion as she knew she was about to with Stella's leaving. She remembered finding out that Mulder was gone. Finding out she was pregnant, and worse of all, finding out that her partner, her life, was dead. It had almost torn her apart, but it hadn't, and somehow she had survived. No matter how thin that life line had been, she'd taken it and used it and she'd lived. Surely she was being overdramatic here but Scully truly felt as if every stitch that had ever held her heart together was about to be ripped out and as she dared to look into Stella's eyes she wondered who'd be doing the ripping – because what she saw there was pure agony hidden behind layers and layers of practiced indifference.

'Thank you for everything,' Scully said softly, knowing the driver was waiting and they'd agreed not to make this harder than necessary. 'You too, take care love,' Stella said and bit her lip at the slip of her tongue. 'Sorry.' Scully shook her head shortly before stepping in to carefully and platonically hug Stella close for a second. As they pulled back Stella nodded one last time. 'All right then. I'm off. I will update you on the case if I can, Dr. Scully.' 'Good,' Scully replied. 'Have a safe trip.' With that Stella searched her eyes one last time before turning to sit in the car. Scully watched, hands in her pockets as Stella's cab drove off and turned the corner. A deep shivering sigh found its way through Scully's tightening chest and with it, a solitary tear rolled down her cheek. She caught it with the ball of her hand and flashed on a memory of Stella doing a similar thing. A smile broke through the clouds settling in her brain and Scully decided that she never wanted to forget how Stella looked with tears in her eyes because she knew it was a precious gift that she and not many other people had ever been given. Scully stood on the curb for a good ten minutes before she remembered how to move – walk, her brain told her, around the corner onto Park Avenue and uptown towards the station. As her legs switched to autopilot so did her brain and soon she thought that maybe it had all been a dream. As she settled into a first class seat on the train headed home she opened her note pad filled with random pieces of ripped off paper to organize it and a little note fell out. She recognized the handwriting as Stella's.

' _He's there. He has Dana. I'd die for Dana.'_

Slowly, Scully put down the note pad on the tray table in front of her. Her elbows came to lean on the fragile piece of train furniture as her hands catch her face, falling, sobbing as slowly everything finally comes down on her. Stella Gibson loves her.

As Stella's plane took off she looked back across the lights that had started to shine all along the horizon. It was dark now, and New York State was lit up by hundreds and hundreds of white and yellow dots everywhere around them. As the buildings got smaller and the plane climbed into the sky Stella sighed deeply, shuddered with the emptiness that had settled in her stomach and tried to adjust to the feeling. This was the new Stella. Empty inside, but still a little different. For now, she knew someone who might be worth fighting for. A woman who was braver, more beautiful and more intelligent than anything or anyone she'd ever seen. If courage were a woman, Stella thought, it would be Dana Katherine Scully.


End file.
